This post is only kinda sort of tangentially related to the topic of the thread, but I still think that it fits here, so I'll just go ahead and write. It's a few days after, but I've been kind of reflecting a lot since Halloween. The 31st last year was kind of a devastating day for me. I won't go into the specifics of what triggered me exactly, but I saw something that caused me to sink to my lowest point. I was inconsolable, sitting in the arms of my Mum, not even able to talk, just cry. I basically had a complete breakdown. It's hard to think it's been a year since then, because even now it still seems so fresh to me, however, in spite of that, I feel like I've made such leaps and bounds in the progress of my mental health. It's hard to imagine now, but a year ago, I didn't even know how I was going to carry on. It legitimately seemed like I had no future, like my life was over and not worth living anymore, as if everything of value was robbed from me. As much as I did love that girl, my relationship towards her crossed into obsession and total emotional dependence. It was not a healthy place to be, and my breakdown in hindsight seems less due to anything she did really but an inevitability of my twisted and broken mental state at the time. It never could have ended well, no matter what she'd have ended up doing, even if we did get together, that level of unhealthy obsession would have eventually led to complete disaster. Hindsight is always 20:20 of course. The 6 months of no contact with her has been hurtful, but at the same time, it has also helped me to heal. Like it or not, I needed that cold turkey, total cut off just to bring me back to my senses, really. I do still think about her every day, but I mostly just think about how she is, and if she's okay. If she's happy. Maybe I'll never find out now, I'm honestly not sure. I hope I do! I hope I can eventually be in such a mental state to not only where she can accept me back into her life without having to worry about me, but to where I'm emotionally and mentally healthy enough to not take it to the extreme again. I live in hope, but who knows? Only time will tell. Even if I've lost someone dear to me along the way, I'm still glad I've managed to acend that mental pit and come out on top. I'm not perfect, I do occasionally relapse into depressive episodes, but they're becoming fewer and fewer as time goes on, which I can only take as a positive sign. There's even a new girl in my life! I haven't managed to meet her yet due to the second lockdown, but things are looking positive for the time being. If nothing else, this life experience has taught me that even when everything seems lost and nothing seems worthwhile anymore, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, there is always a way out, to get back on top. Sometimes it might just take time, sometimes it might take outside help, but there is always a reason to keep going. If I take away absolutely nothing else from this past year, it's that. Every Halloween will feel different to me now. I used to love the horror and spookiness of the holiday, and whilst it is now tainted by a traumatic time in my life, there will never be another October 31st where I won't reflect on just how much I have matured and progressed as a person in the years to come. Things have been on an upward trend since last year, and I can now only hope every year will be better than the next.
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