Relationships and Romance

Neil.T

Chuunibyou
I always keep up with this thread, so...

my social skills are the pits
That's really interesting to me, because that's not how you come over in text form at all; I find your posts very engaging to read. You bring yourself across really well.

I continue to believe that if you have that to begin with, then there's promise there.

Put bluntly, dude, and for what it's worth, I like your character. I'd blame Tinder's user base more than I'd blame you. You just need to cross paths with someone as weird as you are! I mean that in the best possible way; more on that in the little footnote at the bottom of this post.

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@RadFemHedonist:

We've never crossed paths on these forums, I don't think, but I read your posts in the industry threads and such. I've found your posts here genuinely insightful, and like Rui I hope that the situation with your friend can improve. Best wishes.

###

@IncendiaryLemon:

It's good to hear from you again, dude. 🙂

Again, all I can say for what it's worth is that I read your new post when I got the alert for it.

In terms of trying to offer any input, I guess that human nature drives itself to a degree. If there proves to be enough impetus between you and the girl you went on the date with to meet again and see what happens, then that's great. If there simply just isn't for whatever reasons, then you can both quietly just move on. Maybe it's a bit of a wait-and-see without having to make any firm decisions at this point?

What I can say with certainty is that the clarity with which you're seeing things around you is really impressive. You're easily outgunning how I was in that regard, for sure! 😅
I think that does genuinely help a lot, in my opinion. And that includes your distinction between face-to-face meetings versus messaging and the like.

I'm always rooting for you too, bud. 🤞

###

As a footnote, I type this post as someone who was in a situation that looked pretty hopeless by that point in my life, as some of my old posts would attest to. They'd make for very uncomfortable reading now, I'm sure.

One chance meeting on this very forum changed that, though, and I reckon that if something like that can happen to me, then...
 

IncendiaryLemon

Captain Karen
AUKN Staff
IncendiaryLemon I really feel you on that about the feelings being impossible to ignore if they are there. That was how it was for me. I appreciate what you said about not feeling bad about being "picky" as well :) I have suffered from depression for years and am gradually learning ways to feel that bit brighter inside but I still have a lot of bad or at least not so good days, it's really hard and I'm so sorry if you have felt like you can't let those tears out, I know some men feel like it's shameful for them to cry and I promise you it's not. If you don't wanna cry for your own reasons that's fair enough but I just wanted to offer a reminder that you deserve to be able to cry if it helps you or if you just feel like you need to. I try and remind myself that being alive is actually a really amazing miraculous thing for a number of reasons (and I say that as an atheist!) Honestly I love life for all the flaws in the world and people, I just wish I didn't get so insecure and afraid of abandonment (which is a legitimate thing for me to be feeling and yes people can really suck but I wanna try and move past it). I think you're wise to leave Tinder be if it is making you feel that way, I have had a lot of men match with me on there only to never reply when I messaged them or just send messages that make apparent that all they want is sex, and I often have similar experiences on other ostensibly less hookup focused dating apps, so honestly I feel something of your pain there too (I suspect some of the men who match with me are actually just bots as well). It's amazing how good unrequited love can feel for all the pain that can come from it! And I think it can leave one feeling like some kind of masochist who is incapable of actually mutually loving someone and is in love with the idea of love rather than the person they love unrequitedly? But I would advise similarly as Rui does that if you like the girl you went out with don't be too quick to give up. I can't make that call for you but "lovely" sounds like it could lead to something good :) But I don't wanna be that person trying to push you into something if it just doesn't feel right. I wish you the best of luck with it all :)

Both you and Rui are right to point out that it's a bit understandable why his girlfriend is worried but I would never try to steal him away from her I just want to be able to talk to him again cuz he's my friend. Yet sometimes I think that it is really best for me to move on and tbf some of the advice he gave me was terrible and that I'm glad to be without. I really wish I had a boyfriend sometimes and then other times I think I'm lucky to be free! Honestly I'm glad I'm not still completely crushed under the weight of missing him, though it does feel a bit like I'm betraying my feelings for him in that. And I get what you're saying about comparing other people to that person. Sorry if this post was too rambly.

Yeah, I went into a hard depression of the whole series of events, starting from October last year, ended up on medication, therapy, the whole nine yards. It's tough, but even despite me not being 100%, I am far, far better than I was a little under a year ago. I have cried, and I don't feel any shame in that, don't worry. I'm not the type to feel I have to bottle things up, hence I'm here I suppose haha. You are right, life is precious, it's just experiences don't often make you really cherish the gift you have. It's sad, but I guess that's just how feelings are. I'm glad that you're also taking strides to ease your depression, and I hope that you get there, even if it's slowly. See, I'm there on Tinder looking for an actual relationship and I feel like most people there don't really want that, so it kinda feels like a waste to me sometimes. I'm not sure the app is really suited for anything long term.

I mean, I think you described me to a tee really. I honestly do not feel I will ever be in a mutually loving relationship. I understand it's probably just the bad experiences and the depression talking, but sometimes it just feels so hopeless. I'm 23, never been in a relationship, still a virgin, never even so much as held a girl's hand. It's not healthy to do so, but when you compare yourself to your peers, you can't help but feel as if there's something wrong with you, when most people out there seem to be in a relationship or at least managing to get hookups. I'm not really into that kinda thing, but even if I was, I don't think I'd be any better off. You just start to feel like there might be something wrong with you, either outwardly or just as a person, and it really does just eat up your self-esteem. I think I have kinda fallen in love with the idea of love more than anything, you're right. I just want affection from someone I care about, emotionally and physically. Not necessarily sex, but just cuddles or hugs or just hand holding. I guess I just feel a bit love starved.

It might be a bit late for that girl I went out with, after that first date, we ended up not talking so much, and a few times I ended up ghosting her a little because of my conflicted feelings over the whole thing. I didn't want to lead her on, because that would've been cruel, but at the same time, I realise ignoring her wasn't much better. I guess I'm still just a hurtful person at the end of the day.

@Neil.T Hi again friend! Hope you're well. I guess that is something I find frustrating about myself, is that I can see these things clearly but I find it hard to acknowledge them. I say things but don't really believe in them sometimes I guess. I'm not sure why, it's frustrating and hard to explain.

You're a beacon of hope for us all Neil! Hope you and Aya are doing good.
 

HWR

CCG’s Reaper
AUKN Staff
I'm not sure if people here might tire of how frequently I post here, and about the same thing over and over no less, so before I continue, just know this is more just for me than for anyone else. It's good to get things off your chest and into the open sometimes.
I’ve just been catching up on recent posts on here but thought to say I agree with the bolded above - if these posts are helping to get things off your chest then please don’t feel like it’s a hindrance at all!

@Neil.T nice to hear from you also! Hope you and Aya are well.
 

Neil.T

Chuunibyou
@Aaron:

Dude, what??? 🤣
No!!

(Okay, maybe a wee Blue Peter badge, then? 😋)

I mean what I said, though, dude. Yer one of my favourites here, and I'm not shy to admit that.

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@IncendiaryLemon, @HWR:

Thanks for the well wishes, guys; that's really kind. 🙂

Yep, we're good, thanks. Aya's up here in Scotland now. The settling-in process is ongoing, getting sorted with this and that.

And again I mean what I say: you only need literally one good opportunity to come your way and it can change a lot. So... 🤞

I always keep up with this thread, so I'm right here cheering for y'all.
 

IncendiaryLemon

Captain Karen
AUKN Staff
@Aaron:

Dude, what??? 🤣
No!!

(Okay, maybe a wee Blue Peter badge, then? 😋)

I mean what I said, though, dude. Yer one of my favourites here, and I'm not shy to admit that.

###

@IncendiaryLemon, @HWR:

Thanks for the well wishes, guys; that's really kind. 🙂

Yep, we're good, thanks. Aya's up here in Scotland now. The settling-in process is ongoing, getting sorted with this and that.

And again I mean what I say: you only need literally one good opportunity to come your way and it can change a lot. So... 🤞

I always keep up with this thread, so I'm right here cheering for y'all.

Glad to hear that Neil, hope all goes well for the pair of you. Even if the rest of us get nowhere, it's good to know at least one of us managed to find happiness :)
 

Neil.T

Chuunibyou
Even if the rest of us get nowhere, it's good to know at least one of us managed to find happiness :)
Blimey, it took me until age 38 to get to this point, buddy.
(Don't take so long yourself, eh? 😅)

But even if you did, that's okay too. So long as you can find your own meaning in the things you do. That's how I've come to see things anyway.

But anyhow... 🤞🤞
Those are for you. One day at a time just now.
 

IncendiaryLemon

Captain Karen
AUKN Staff
So, it’s me again. Of course. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been posting about it a lot here recently but I just can’t stop thinking about her recently. Perhaps it’s just because the further away I get from her last message back in May, the more likely it becomes that she’ll never speak to me again, and that not only makes me sad, but it scares me a lot. I don’t want to admit it’s over. She said in her last message to me that she still cares about me, and that she just needs space, but it’s been so long now. 5 months, almost half a year. I just want to talk to her, and see if we can just be friends again. However, she said that she doesn’t like how obsessive I can be, and I don’t feel as if trying to press her if she’s not comfortable would do me any favours. I just feel like there’s no good option. Either I try and end up pushing her further away or I do nothing and she just forgets about me and moves on with her life, much like I probably should have already. I feel guilty for still being this upset about this even now, because I know it’s this kind of behaviour that made her need that space in the first place. I’ve been off of my anti-depressants for a month now, my repeat prescription ran out, and I haven’t been back to the doctors given things in the world, and that’s not doing my favours either. I feel bad thoughts creeping back in again, and a general feeling of sadness and melancholy. I try to push through and smile, but it’s not always so easy. I’m just a big mess, I hate that I am how I am. I don’t want to be someone hung up on a girl who turned him down a year ago and still can’t move past it. I just want to be someone else at this point, Someone happy.
 
IncendiaryLemon I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling so down, please do go back to the doctor and get a repeat prescription if you can. I have had some things about the situation with my friend playing on my mind the last couple of days and it is hard... I wish the greatest happiness for you! I don't wanna diss this girl but I will say she's not the right person for you and I think it's important for you to have people in your life who make you feel welcome rather than like you are "too much" or something like that. Best of luck to you! I believe you can get to a better place! :)
 

IncendiaryLemon

Captain Karen
AUKN Staff
IncendiaryLemon I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling so down, please do go back to the doctor and get a repeat prescription if you can. I have had some things about the situation with my friend playing on my mind the last couple of days and it is hard... I wish the greatest happiness for you! I don't wanna diss this girl but I will say she's not the right person for you and I think it's important for you to have people in your life who make you feel welcome rather than like you are "too much" or something like that. Best of luck to you! I believe you can get to a better place! :)

Thank you! Appreciate the support. I think I will have to see my Doctor again soon, if for nothing else than to get his opinion. As much as I don't want to appear as if I'm putting her on a pedestal again, I was too much for her a lot of times. I'd send her messages over a thousand words long, and she'd feel pressured to reply to me in similar length, when she worked long hours at work, and when she asked me to stop, I'd always end up slipping back into doing it by mistake. There were times where she literally sent me voice messages of her crying because I'd upset her with all the pressure I put on her and how I'd never change or do stop doing things she didn't feel comfortable with, because she still said she loved me and cared about me lots but didn't like a lot of the things I was doing, and I still feel so guilty about it, even now. It's because I couldn't change, even when I tried, that I ended up ruining everything. Even the event that took us to breaking point and why I haven't spoken to her in so long was because I lied to her about not having feelings for her anymore, only to then confess that I still loved her at the first chance I had when she was having romantic issues of her own. I would never, ever go out of my way to say something to hurt her on purpose, but I'd always end up saying or doing something wrong without meaning to and hurting her again and again. It's not so much that she's not right for me, but that I'm just not good enough for someone like her.
 

Neil.T

Chuunibyou
@Adam-M:

Thanks very much, man. 😀
Aya's up here in Scotland now. The general covid b*llocks is making things more difficult at the moment when dealing with the DVLA and the like when changing details, but what can you do, eh?

Good to run into you again. 🙂👍
 

IncendiaryLemon

Captain Karen
AUKN Staff
This post is only kinda sort of tangentially related to the topic of the thread, but I still think that it fits here, so I'll just go ahead and write. It's a few days after, but I've been kind of reflecting a lot since Halloween. The 31st last year was kind of a devastating day for me. I won't go into the specifics of what triggered me exactly, but I saw something that caused me to sink to my lowest point. I was inconsolable, sitting in the arms of my Mum, not even able to talk, just cry. I basically had a complete breakdown. It's hard to think it's been a year since then, because even now it still seems so fresh to me, however, in spite of that, I feel like I've made such leaps and bounds in the progress of my mental health. It's hard to imagine now, but a year ago, I didn't even know how I was going to carry on. It legitimately seemed like I had no future, like my life was over and not worth living anymore, as if everything of value was robbed from me. As much as I did love that girl, my relationship towards her crossed into obsession and total emotional dependence. It was not a healthy place to be, and my breakdown in hindsight seems less due to anything she did really but an inevitability of my twisted and broken mental state at the time. It never could have ended well, no matter what she'd have ended up doing, even if we did get together, that level of unhealthy obsession would have eventually led to complete disaster. Hindsight is always 20:20 of course. The 6 months of no contact with her has been hurtful, but at the same time, it has also helped me to heal. Like it or not, I needed that cold turkey, total cut off just to bring me back to my senses, really. I do still think about her every day, but I mostly just think about how she is, and if she's okay. If she's happy. Maybe I'll never find out now, I'm honestly not sure. I hope I do! I hope I can eventually be in such a mental state to not only where she can accept me back into her life without having to worry about me, but to where I'm emotionally and mentally healthy enough to not take it to the extreme again. I live in hope, but who knows? Only time will tell. Even if I've lost someone dear to me along the way, I'm still glad I've managed to acend that mental pit and come out on top. I'm not perfect, I do occasionally relapse into depressive episodes, but they're becoming fewer and fewer as time goes on, which I can only take as a positive sign. There's even a new girl in my life! I haven't managed to meet her yet due to the second lockdown, but things are looking positive for the time being. If nothing else, this life experience has taught me that even when everything seems lost and nothing seems worthwhile anymore, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, there is always a way out, to get back on top. Sometimes it might just take time, sometimes it might take outside help, but there is always a reason to keep going. If I take away absolutely nothing else from this past year, it's that. Every Halloween will feel different to me now. I used to love the horror and spookiness of the holiday, and whilst it is now tainted by a traumatic time in my life, there will never be another October 31st where I won't reflect on just how much I have matured and progressed as a person in the years to come. Things have been on an upward trend since last year, and I can now only hope every year will be better than the next.
 
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