Relationships and Romance

RadFemHedonist said:
IncendiaryLemon I'm so sorry to hear that, do you want to talk about it? (completely up to you) :)
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I just feel like any progress I make is always totally undone by the littlest thought or memory. I made that post at the end of October saying how I thought I was doing better, but I feel like I'm just lying to myself to convince myself I'm not just shoving all the sadness and depression to the back of my mind, in an attempt to bottle it up and move on. I want to be doing better in moving on, and I'll tell myself I'm getting better, but I don't think I am, and it's really worrying me now how long this is taking to get over her, I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I just want to be happy and loved, but I can't give my heart to someone when it already belongs to someone else at the minute, it isn't fair on any girls I try to talk to, who might get attached, when I'm interested in someone else more than I am them, even if that other person doesn't want me. It's just frustrating, and it's getting me down a lot recently. I'm sleeping really badly atm, I feel like these thoughts are just stuck in my head, and no matter how much I try, I just lay there and dwell on things. I get up for work at 3:30am and I didn't get to sleep last night until about 1am. It's just really affecting me atm. It's worse with it being close to Christmas now too, it's just making me feel even worse.
 
IncendiaryLemon I'm so sorry that all sounds really difficult. I would perhaps suggest trying to make sure you are taking good care of yourself in other areas that might have a negative effect on sleep? Such as trying to avoid caffeine before bed, have herbal teas at bed time if it helps (such as chamomile), maybe avoid screens close to bed time as well? But I know these things are so much easier said than done. It's good that you care about whether you might hurt someone else but I really feel for you if you feel so alone :( Do you have anyone nice to spend Christmas with?
 
RadFemHedonist said:
IncendiaryLemon I'm so sorry that all sounds really difficult. I would perhaps suggest trying to make sure you are taking good care of yourself in other areas that might have a negative effect on sleep? Such as trying to avoid caffeine before bed, have herbal teas at bed time if it helps (such as chamomile), maybe avoid screens close to bed time as well? But I know these things are so much easier said than done. It's good that you care about whether you might hurt someone else but I really feel for you if you feel so alone :( Do you have anyone nice to spend Christmas with?
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Yeah, I'll try to make myself tired more. It's getting a little better, it was just one night where I felt really depressed and awful. It honestly felt like my own head was against me. I'm not alone persay, I have wonderful friends and family, but nothing quite fills that void, you know? Those are the people I'll be spending Christmas with, and I'm lucky to have that, I am, and I don't take that for granted, but it's just not the same. I feel like as much as it's a family holiday, Christmas can very much be seen as a couples time of year, and in a lot of ways, that just makes me feel so isolated and sad.
 
It's ok please don't worry about coming off as obsessive, unrequited love can hit you really hard if the other person ends the friendship, and you need time. I am so so glad you have people you love and who love you so you won't be alone on Christmas, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feed sad about not having a romantic partner. I feel like my own head is against me too with my mental health issues, and no explanation I've ever been given for them fully satisfied me. I know they're not any kind of punishment from the universe or a god or w/e, but I don't think I will ever quite understand why my brain is so mean to me. Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people, and it makes me sad to think of that. I really feel for you.
 
RadFemHedonist said:
It's ok please don't worry about coming off as obsessive, unrequited love can hit you really hard if the other person ends the friendship, and you need time. I am so so glad you have people you love and who love you so you won't be alone on Christmas, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feed sad about not having a romantic partner. I feel like my own head is against me too with my mental health issues, and no explanation I've ever been given for them fully satisfied me. I know they're not any kind of punishment from the universe or a god or w/e, but I don't think I will ever quite understand why my brain is so mean to me. Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people, and it makes me sad to think of that. I really feel for you.
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I feel like I talk about it a lot, and I still think about her every day, and that probably isn't healthy or appropriate. It is hard though, and I struggle a lot with it, but I can't shake this feeling of guilt about the whole thing, as if I'm being weird or something. It's hard to describe. It's weird how your brain works sometimes, and how it can be your worst enemy, and I'm not entirely sure myself why it happens. Honestly, you don't have to feel bad, I have a lot more than some people this time of year, even if I'm feeling down about this whole situation, it doesn't compare to the struggles of many, and I am grateful for what I do have. Maybe this time next year things will be different, fingers crossed.
 
Lately I've been feeling myself very uncomfortable with the concept of time. Each day seems to make me feel worse than the last, and when I think about it, I feel like every second is taking me further and further away from a time in my life when I was actually happy, and the further away that becomes, the worse I feel. I also think about recent events of the past 5 or so years, and how I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me at the time, and how much despair I feel now compared to then, and it just seems to compound the issue. I feel like my whole life is slipping away from me and I'm just stuck feeling awful whilst my days just waste away. I don't even look forward to having days off work any more, because I feel it's just even more time that I'll have to fill just doing utterly meaningless activities to pass the time until I can sleep again. It's like nothing means anything to me any more. Not anime, or games, or any hobby. It just all feels so empty and pointless. I keep having thoughts that maybe it might have been better if I had just died or killed myself when I was happy, because then at least I Wouldn't have had to spend all this time feeling like this. It's not good. FWIW, I wouldn't ever try to hurt myself in any way, but the thought just lingers at the back of my mind, ever present. I don't want it to be, but yet it persists. I don't know, this is just feeling like a really awful time in my life. Not as bad as last year, granted, but I just feel so low all the time of recent, I hate it.
 
IncendiaryLemon said:
I don't even look forward to having days off work any more, because I feel it's just even more time that I'll have to fill just doing utterly meaningless activities to pass the time
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I had that happen a few years back. It was an awful time.

I know exactly how that is, dude. It's... pretty damn miserable. ☹️
 
Neil.T said:
I had that happen a few years back. It was an awful time.

I know exactly how that is, dude. It's... pretty damn miserable. ☹️
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Yeh been there and still am right now.. Used to look forward to things.. Now im just lazing about doin meaningless things.. I was away from here a while also... Just get fed up of stuff
 
IncendiaryLemon I'm so sorry you feel that way, I wish I could do something to comfort you like a hug or making you tea. I think a lot of people are feeling this way at the moment with the "just passing the time in each day of your life" thing, I often feel that way.
Vashdaman said:
Well I've been through a bit of a weird one the last month or so. Met a girl, started as friends, she seemed really nice and we talked a lot on the phone, we couldn't meet due to lockdown. During tier 2 we met outside for a coffee and I thought she was cool and nice and pretty, but I thought she had no interest in me other than a friend. The next day though she started sending me more flirty messages and saying she missed me ect and it seemed she really was into me, so I basically told her indirectly that I liked her and she said she was so happy she couldn't describe. I thought wow my luck has finally come in!!

I thought I might as well strike while the iron is hot, and two days later (we text every day) I sent her a (very) romantic poem. She loves it apparently, and I'm thinking thank you god you didn't forget about ol vashy after all, cloud 9 here I come! The next day we talk on the phone, she tells me she wants my poem inscribed on her gravestone, I think hey that's a little morbid but I'm down for that, very Wuthering Heights, me likey. Not only that, but before we hang up she says "just to check but do you like me?" I say "Yesssss!! I do!!" She says "I like you too" I say "I'm sooo happpyyy thank youu!". I send her that in text too the following morning just in case my jubilation was too subtle. This continues like for a week, clearly romantic, she says things like "I don't want kids" and I reply with things like "me neither, I just like youuuuu so muuuuch!". We meet one more time, seems good. Flirty texts resume that night, seems good. Then she calls me a friend in one of her texts. I say "oh do you not think we could be more than friends one day" she says "I thought you were just my friend, you have totally misunderstood me, I just want to be friends". I'm like "what wait, how could I possibly have misunderstood all of that?" she eventually says she only told me she liked me by "accident" because it "slipped out of her heart" and said I was putting too much pressure on her and she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. She says she'll be more careful about the words she says to me from now.

I understand that and I say, let's just friends then, we don't have to be more. But that night she kind of starts flirting with me again. The next day in a text she asks me to sleep beside her, she says she won't sleep well until I'm sleeping beside her. I'm thinking whoa she's come to her senses and now really realises she likes me for suuuure and I'm like "wow, I need you sleeping next to me too, can't sleep without you" and we call and she says it again on the phone.

But today she sent me a message saying "do you miss me?" and I'm like "soo much, do you miss me?" and she says "I don't want to say because I don't want to confuse you again" and I say "it's ok if you're not sure how you feel yet, but you must be feeling something more than friendship for me, right? You don't have to decide to be my girlfriend yet, but surely all this flirting means something?" she says "wait what flirting, I'm not a flirty person" and I say "so you really like me as more than a friend!" she says "nah" I say "Please please stop flirting with me then, I'm a simple minded fool" she says "maybe we should stop talking if you can't just be friends".

This has been the worst Christmas eve ever and my head aches and heart aches. I can't understand this girl at all. But at the same time, not really detailed in this post, but I do think she's an interesting and nice person, and I would like to stay friends with her. We've told each other a lot.
I genuinely don't know whether the confusion is my fault or hers or probably both our faults. But I just sent her a text saying "look, I've realised that I don't even want to be more than a friend to you now, our personalities seem so different. But please let's stay friends, I won't hope for romance with you ever again".

Did I do the right thing? I'm proper baffled by all this.
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That's... decidedly odd. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants (not bcuz she's a woman, just sometimes people don't), maybe she's scared of a relationship, but you're right to not pursue her anymore, for both your sakes... I don't think you did anything wrong but I would say it might (not definitely but maybe) be best to walk away but I guess that only applies if you don't think you can handle the just being friends with someone you have feelings for thing. I guess I would also just find it difficult to be friends with someone who's signals are that mixed (if they were sending those kind of mixed signals to me, anyway). But as you say she is a nice interesting person otherwise, so, I hope that the two of you can establish a solid, lasting friendship. I can certainly understand why you would be so confused though! I really hope you have some good times ahead to make up for this as well Vashdaman! :)
 
I broke up with my boyfriend and already regret it he said let's sleep on it as to whether to get back together he was really nice about it but I'm so worried he won't want to be with me anymore and I realized how afraid I've become of being open and letting people in romantically and tbh I've just gotten so afraid of men in particular that I was worried my bf would become an abuser if I got close to him, I feel bad about thinking that but I just couldn't really help thinking that way for reasons I'm not sure I wanna go into but I honestly think he is a good man and like yeah I'll be ok eventually if it doesn't work out I guess... :/ but it would be so nice if it did and I told him that I love him and I'm sorry that I was so afraid. He hasn't seen that message yet so far as I know.
 
RadFemHedonist said:
I broke up with my boyfriend and already regret it he said let's sleep on it as to whether to get back together he was really nice about it but I'm so worried he won't want to be with me anymore and I realized how afraid I've become of being open and letting people in romantically and tbh I've just gotten so afraid of men in particular that I was worried my bf would become an abuser if I got close to him, I feel bad about thinking that but I just couldn't really help thinking that way for reasons I'm not sure I wanna go into but I honestly think he is a good man and like yeah I'll be ok eventually if it doesn't work out I guess... :/ but it would be so nice if it did and I told him that I love him and I'm sorry that I was so afraid. He hasn't seen that message yet so far as I know.
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I'm really sorry to hear that, honestly, when you've been in a position where you have to worry someone might become an abuser I know it's a lot and it's good that you recognise that you couldn't help but feel that way, that your feelings were valid. I don't know where you are now with this but in my experience, it does take a lot of time and communication to progress with someone and feel safe again, and it can take a while to let someone in again. Oh, and someone can be a good person and you can still have these worries- if he has since read your message and you're still talking, do you think you'd feel better explaining this to him? If you want to continue the relationship and you love him and this is a huge obstacle for you that you need to work through with a lot of care and thought, I think that he should know this and that it's totally okay to share your fears with him. Share your fears and your desires for the future and see if mutually you can find a comfortable way to approach them. If you don't wish to persue a relationship anymore though, then it's a really good time to make more time for yourself to reflect on what it is in a relationship that you want, and what things in relationships still scare you and you need time to process.

I have had a couple of terrible abusers in my life and I know very much that it affected me and my perception of letting people in- because it made me scared to be put in a position like that again. What you're feeling is natural, but over time you can work through this, and I promise that someone who loves you and is right for you will be the person who encourages you to face these fears next to them and they'll give you the sort of happiness you forget about after trauma like that- it's pretty incredible. Being single and having time to grow is also wonderful too, I know it definitely helped me put myself first more and let me process some heavy traumas. I wish you all the love!

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I guess I'll post here too? I definitely had to come out of a really abusive relationship and I was pretty much set to stay single happily and be the vodka aunt type of friend but I stumbled into love when I least expected it and so did they- neither of us were looking, we had a mutual friend and discovered eachother's art and became friends, weirdly, he'd graduated the same degree as me at the uni I nearly went to, he'd also had a strange experience with death like I had, and like me, he was diagnosed with ASD, I didn't expect to stumble into someone so similar to me and we have a lot in common, very similar personalities and lots of shared interests. We talked and it just became second nature to stay up til 5am chatting away until we confessed and it's been nearly eight months of this warmth now. It was a complete whim, I'd be scrolling one night unable to sleep and his art account got suggested and I'd be in awe at how similar our styles and interests were, I'd follow him, think nothing of it, never expected we'd end up falling in love but here we are, and I'm very lucky. I can remember when we'd exchange little voice messages about our old barista days but they'd turn into heart to hearts over the family we'd lost and how we'd been dealing with a lot of things we both got alienated for as kids. We'd call and talk for hours and doodle together, and we still sleepover call during the lockdown, something I really like. When we confessed it turned out he'd been holding back a while, these feelings being new to him, but also, he knew exactly what I'd been through and he was aware that it took me a while to leave, so he wanted to respect that and make sure he wasn't saying that so suddenly. We cried a lot of happy tears that night and I don't think I've ever seen anyone exchange "you dummy idiot" as many times as we did in that time, haha!

He's incredibly supportive, beyond a dummy and fun to be stupid with, one of the kindest and most genuine people I've met for sure, and I've been able to really open up next to him and it's been wonderful to watch one another blossom together. I can remember in like, May or June when he told me that I deserved to feel appreciated and I deserved respect, and he's done nothing but. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel as loved for me as he has and being able to fill him with the same warmth is a blessing. I really didn't expect to be with someone again and I didn't expect to sort of just bump into the person who'd end up being my soulmate and vice versa. Boyfriend wondered for a long long time if maybe he was aromantic because he hadn't felt a connection like this before and he only had a crush in secondary to really go by, so on his end too, falling in love was an unexpected but really beautiful thing. I also feel incredibly lucky and touched to be the person who makes him feel so comfortable and open and that I get to make him this happy and be someone he can lean on. He's been, in the past, notoriously closed off according to his family and shy about feelings, apparently!

this is pretty mushy but I'm twenty-six and I haven't felt in love like this since 2012, back when I was with someone for a near three years. I dunno how to really explain it, the usually empty "something is missing a little" feeling I've had in some relationships since then is very much there, perfectly fit- something just feels incredibly comfortable and right and I could honestly see myself spending my life with him. I just want the post-rona aquarium dates and adventures! But it's worth the wait. He's a big old nerd and he embraces my gremlin energy completely. If anyone's wondering, I'm definitely the energetic one of the pair and he's the quieter but very warmly loving partner that embraces all antics! Many are gonna be had in the future offline and we can't wait 👽
 
Thankyou so much for your reply Donut, I appreciate the kindness and care you put into it a lot, and I am so, so happy for you that you've found a lovely awesome boyfriend and you make each other so happy - that is great and I wish the two of you a wonderful life together :) <3 I ended up realizing that even though I did care about the guy I talked about in my last message, he just isn't right for me - I think it is true that I had become closed off due to fear to an extent, but I'm also just flat out terrible at break ups cuz I always end up feeling worried that I've made the wrong choice. I'm actually "seeing" (as in online only rn bcuz covid) someone new now and the fears are still there to an extent because of the past but I really really like him and I can tell he likes me too even though it hasn't been that long since we started talking, I am also eating a lot better now and that helps (I'm diabetic, and so is he actually which in it's own weird way is nice because he understands what it's like better than a lot of non-diabetic people do). He's about a decade older than me (a bit less than that) and tbh I'm not generally big on dating older men but he's cute and he makes me laugh and he's far more mature than some younger men I've dated have been. He's kind and obviously cares about me. Thanks so much again and I'm sorry you've been through that horrible stuff but so glad there was light at the end of your tunnel :)
 
RadFemHedonist said:
Thankyou so much for your reply Donut, I appreciate the kindness and care you put into it a lot, and I am so, so happy for you that you've found a lovely awesome boyfriend and you make each other so happy - that is great and I wish the two of you a wonderful life together :) <3 I ended up realizing that even though I did care about the guy I talked about in my last message, he just isn't right for me - I think it is true that I had become closed off due to fear to an extent, but I'm also just flat out terrible at break ups cuz I always end up feeling worried that I've made the wrong choice. I'm actually "seeing" (as in online only rn bcuz covid) someone new now and the fears are still there to an extent because of the past but I really really like him and I can tell he likes me too even though it hasn't been that long since we started talking, I am also eating a lot better now and that helps (I'm diabetic, and so is he actually which in it's own weird way is nice because he understands what it's like better than a lot of non-diabetic people do). He's about a decade older than me (a bit less than that) and tbh I'm not generally big on dating older men but he's cute and he makes me laugh and he's far more mature than some younger men I've dated have been. He's kind and obviously cares about me. Thanks so much again and I'm sorry you've been through that horrible stuff but so glad there was light at the end of your tunnel :)
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That's okay <3 Bless you, I wish you all the best while you get to know your guy and I'm really happy to hear that you're eating better, and that you've got a lot in common with him! I hope you get to meet when it's safe to and being able to make you laugh is a huge yes in my books!! And that he shows he cares for you! Thank you so much for your sweet words about my boyfriend too, he makes me so happy too and he's the cutest thing, I'm thankful for our healthy and comfy dynamic and I'm glad to hear you've got one with this guy too!!
 
Azar said:
I hope I have something to post in this thread one day but literally nothing so far. :(
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This thread's here if you ever want to air your thoughts/get input/vent some of the pressure any time, Azar.

Fwiw, I was exactly in the same boat as you until very recently, so I reckon I can certainly relate.
 
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