Azar
Death Scythe
I want to make a big long post about my life and how anxiety has destroyed it but my anxiety and embarrassment won't let me!
Relationships and Romance
- Thread starter VivisQueen
- Start date
I want to make a big long post about my life and how anxiety has destroyed it but my anxiety and embarrassment won't let me!
RadFemHedonist
Mad Scientist
I really feel for you and wish you all the best, I hope you feel able to open up more with us or someone else you trust one day Azar
Azar
Death Scythe
Long story short, I'm 28, still living with mum, no qualifications, never had a job, no friends for last 10 years, no family i can talk to(Only my mum but i don't share my feelings with her). I've lived an incredibly isolated life.
I'm finally feeling some motivation to get out of this situation and work on my confidence, social skills etc and hopefully make a friend or 2, but now Covid is preventing me from making the changes I want to make... It's all very frustrating. I'm feeling slightly excited about the future for the first time but also so much regret that I didn't just do these things sooner.
I have a lot of work to do before anyone wants a relationship with me.
I'm finally feeling some motivation to get out of this situation and work on my confidence, social skills etc and hopefully make a friend or 2, but now Covid is preventing me from making the changes I want to make... It's all very frustrating. I'm feeling slightly excited about the future for the first time but also so much regret that I didn't just do these things sooner.
I have a lot of work to do before anyone wants a relationship with me.
ShadowofTwilight
Brigade Leader
I'm 28 and sadly I've been in two terrible relationships, my first partner was an abuser who made my self esteem plummit and it has led to me having severe anxiety. The only good thing she ever gave me was our daughter but that is the only thing I'm thankful for.
My second relationship wasn't abusive at all but we never really got that close and my daughter hated her. She decided she couldn't "handle these ridiculous panic attacks" and decided just to bail on the relationship.
Maybe one day I will try again but I'm a single dad with a 4 year old to take care of, relationships aren't exactly on my mind.
My second relationship wasn't abusive at all but we never really got that close and my daughter hated her. She decided she couldn't "handle these ridiculous panic attacks" and decided just to bail on the relationship.
Maybe one day I will try again but I'm a single dad with a 4 year old to take care of, relationships aren't exactly on my mind.
RadFemHedonist
Mad Scientist
I really feel for both of you. I hope your daughter is doing well ShadowofTwilight <3 Sorry for not saying anything more than that rn btw I'm just a bit tired but I wanted to acknowledge each of your posts in some way at least.
Donut
Brigade Leader
(protect Dave energy very very heavy) You know that I think you're incredibly strong and kind and you and your daughter are an amazing pair- I'm so sorry that you've had some ****** people in your dating life D: It's really good that you can focus on yourself, there's more to life than finding a romantic partner and more often than not it just happens when we aren't looking anyhow! Having time to focus on yourself and spend time with the little one is incredibly good for you!
Maybe slightly off-topic for me to say this but please know that it's okay to be quieter or not have as much energy to reply, especially when you're tired bless you, I wondered if maybe this was something that you felt guilty for and wanted to add this, I'm sure Shadow appreciates your love and words a lot <3
(I used to feel guilty too if I was tired or had less words but it's completely human)
Dave1988
Pokémon Master
It really can happen anytime to be honest.. When your not expecting it.. Even im in a bad position still myself... Ive beem on this forum few years.. And then been away for around 2 years just popping in and out.. I was addicted to on here and reading people anime thoughts etc.. But myself... I went on holiday 2018...my first time abroad.. And found my soulmate i feel as i married her january 2020. Again.. Unexpected.. Shes from philippines and now living in uk with me... Amazing carers and absolute amazing people filipino people are.. Even when in relationships you still end up stress and whatnot...thats just life... But having someome cuddle in bed makes it a little bit better
Someone who shall not be named said:Why would they want to waste their time with someone who literally has no idea what they're doing?
Let me turn that question around. If you met someone you liked, would their experience - or lack of experience - be a turn off for you? Sometimes it's fun to teach, sometimes it's fun to learn, sometimes it's fun to stumble around and discover things together. And there's always going to be some of that no matter how experienced a person is from their past relationships because every person they meet has unique traits and preferences. If they didn't, everyone would settle for the first person they met
Don't hold yourself up to a higher standard than you would expect from a future partner. You are going to be a team and cover for one another's weaknesses, so it's more important to be a good listener than to be perfect right from the get go.
R
RadFemHedonist
Mad Scientist
I agree with Rui Best of luck Aaron!
Best of luck Aaron!
Donut
Brigade Leader
Rui's completely right, and sometimes it's really fun to learn together- if anything, I've met people who have become too jaded from many relationships, or, I've dated people who maybe let that go to their head, my point is that there's pros and cons to everything and that not being in a relationship prior and dating someone who has can be a fun learning curve and not everyone has unhealty expectations! sometimes past relationships teach us what we wanna avoid, too. I'm my boyfriend's first ever girlfriend and I know at the start he'd worry a little about being new to all of this, I think he'd worry he wouldn't be loving enough or mature enough, but on the contrary, he's been the most healthy, appreciative, loving partner I've been with and I've had multiple longterms prior to him (and a couple abusers D: )
It isn't a turn off at all and frankly, anyone who'd be that judgemental is probably a bit of a turn off themselves, surely?!
I feel very touched that I get to be the person my partner learns the ropes with and he's ended up being the exact person I was looking for all this time- we still learn together and being with someone so caring is lovely. So don't lose hope.
It isn't a turn off at all and frankly, anyone who'd be that judgemental is probably a bit of a turn off themselves, surely?!
I feel very touched that I get to be the person my partner learns the ropes with and he's ended up being the exact person I was looking for all this time- we still learn together and being with someone so caring is lovely. So don't lose hope.
Not even slightly bad. No-one else should be able to tell you what you want or don't want, especially in the context of a relationship.
There's a hundred valid reasons why you might not be interested in finding a partner, and any one of them is good enough - not least because if you're not serious about looking for a partner, you can end up hurting yourself or potential partners in the process anyway.
If a relationship is going to happen, it'll happen because a friendship naturally evolves in a way that both involved are comfortable with. No good relationship ever happens purely because someone's friends pushed them into it, after all. (And I say that as someone whose parents only met because their mutual friends bullied them into going to a bar on the night the other would be there - but it wasn't that which made it work!)
ShadowofTwilight
Brigade Leader
A girl from work asked me out for a date when lockdown ends. I'm not accepting but feel awful in case I upset her.
Donut
Brigade Leader
Hey, you know my feelings well on this, on people who have done this- it's better to be honest with her than string her along, you did the right thing. It would be far more upsetting to lead her on or accept, it's best to be fully transparent!
Problem solved if you don't mind this being shifted to here, RadFem.
That's very eye-opening to me because I reckon there's still a perception in some quarters that men ruin relationships by placing too much value on that particular aspect.
Or maybe it's not perceived like that anymore and my viewpoint there is perhaps coloured by a bit of lingering insecurity on my part.
Anyhow, it was very refreshing to read your thoughts, RadFem, so thanks for sharing them. My sympathies for what you experienced with friends and with the medical profession as a whole.
RadFemHedonist
Mad Scientist
Problem solved if you don't mind this being shifted to here, RadFem.
That's very eye-opening to me because I reckon there's still a perception in some quarters that men ruin relationships by placing too much value on that particular aspect.
Or maybe it's not perceived like that anymore and my viewpoint there is perhaps coloured by a bit of lingering insecurity on my part.
Anyhow, it was very refreshing to read your thoughts, RadFem, so thanks for sharing them. My sympathies for what you experienced with friends and with the medical profession as a whole.
I mean it is probably the more suitable place for it XP
Yeah, I mean the thing of it is I actually now think I may be a type of demisexual who only is really very attracted to and aroused by anyone very occasionally as the only person I've really seriously had the hots for was the friend mentioned previously who I no longer speak to for sad reasons. It's not like I've never had enjoyable physical stuff with anyone else but with those others who I have if it was good it was more like a good song whereas what I experienced with that person even just from kissing was like some sort of incredible symphony? I don't want to be completely unfair to my friends but I think it was the downside (and don't get me wrong there are definitely upsides!) of having a lot of LGBTQUIA friends at the time cuz most of them just couldn't really relate to the issues I was experiencing as a cis woman on BC pills. I am bi myself and I think that has made it harder for me to find other cis women friends to talk to about such things for reasons that are not really anyone's "fault" as such more just to do with certain social dynamics that I may try and explain my opinion on in another post.
ayase
State Alchemist
Nothing wrong with that. I really cannot be doing with people who tell other people they are wrong for wanting (or not wanting) particular things from a relationship or a partner. If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it (literally, in this case
) and what a lot of preachy people need to get through their skulls is that not everybody wants or needs the same things.
RadFemHedonist
Mad Scientist
Nothing wrong with that. I really cannot be doing with people who tell other people they are wrong for wanting (or not wanting) particular things from a relationship or a partner. If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it (literally, in this case
I agree, as long as one's expectations are not blatantly abusive (like men who won't marry a woman who hasn't been subjected to FGM, to take an example that always comes to mind for me, or saying your partner isn't allowed to have any friends or be in touch with their family so you won't feel insecure or in competition with anyone ever, to take a more emotionally rather than physically abusive category example), then it's important to respect people's differing needs and wants, as you said. I have suffered a lot because of feeling like there was something wrong with me, my wants and needs and society's attitudes towards disabled people's sexuality have only compounded that, also it doesn't help that, well... basically I'm fat so some people think I'm not allowed to have any standards (or perhaps "strong preferences" or "dealbreakers" are better words for it as I feel like "standards" sounds a bit like I'm looking down on those I consider beneath me in some way). I'm sorry if I'm retreading ground that I've already covered in this thread but honestly, I have had a significant number of traumatic experiences cuz of feeling like I wasn't allowed to reject men or say no to things and it's still eating me up inside. And I hurt some decent people in the process too which makes me feel horrible (don't get me wrong-a lot of them weren't nice people but some of them weren't bad). Feel a bit like crying now sorry
And I know this might not be an appropriate place for this so I won't talk about it anymore if I'm not supposed to As far as I'm aware, this thread's for discussing all things relationship- and romance-related, so go for your life. Talk about as much or as little as you're comfortable with.And I know this might not be an appropriate place for this so I won't talk about it anymore if I'm not supposed to
ayase
State Alchemist
I mean, I would hope the idea that everything that goes on within a relationship should be consensual would go without saying, yeah. There are definitely people out there who are okay with things other people would consider degrading or abusive though, so it can be a bit of a fine line - Not just thinking of kinks here, but religious practices as well. But if someone is genuinely okay with something (rather than just saying they are out of fear - I think it's important to ascertain which it is) then I’m not really sure it's anyone else's place to tell them they shouldn't be. Potentially interesting subject for discussion on its own, that.
As for wanting what you want, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that (as long as you think it meets your own moral standards of not doing anyone else any harm!) and it’s pretty crappy that you’ve ever been made to feel that there was. Everyone should feel entitled to have whatever standards/preferences in partners or a relationships they like. But at the same time, none of us are entitled to get what we want, either. And that’s as much a reminder to myself as it is advice to anyone else. Such is life, I guess.
Donut
Brigade Leader
Fellow bi demi here if you ever want to talk! It took me quite a long time to become comfortable with my sexuality or even lack of in some cases if that makes sense, and I don't know how much of it is down to my past traumas but I was pretty young when I first realized that I was either ace or demi, and romantically definitely not boxed off in any way. I feel like at the end of the day, if you're with someone who makes you feel warm and comfortable that's the most important thing and if intimacy blossoms between you and you have a mutual trust and you both want that, then go for it! Interestingly, when I was on BC and also antidepressants I noticed it had some effects on my drive and moods when it came to those things, so I think that's a thing! Anyhow, if you ever want someone to talk to just shout! A virtual cup of tea is always welcome here.