In my last post here, I mentioned how I didn't want to go into the details of what caused my leave of absence from the internet and ultimately what caused my mental health to spiral, but recently, my depression has been worsening a lot, and I've been feeling worse now than I have in months this past week, and without anyone to talk to or anywhere else to turn, I was hoping I could use a post here to vent my feelings a little and to get some things off my chest. This is probably going to be a lengthy ramble, and I can't even promise it'll make sense to anyone reading it but me, but I just really need a release here. My head feels like it's suffocating and I just can't shed the sadness and intrusive thoughts going through my mind. I'm hoping that this helps a little.
This all started about a year and a half ago now, in January of 2019. Someone who had followed me on Twitter a while ago messaged me out of the blue to wish me a happy new year. I was a little caught off guard, I hadn't really talked to her all that much during the short time we had followed each other for, but never one to shy away from making a new friend, we started chatting. What started as just general chit chat soon blossomed into lengthy and fairly deep conversations, and we would talk to each other over DM every single day. It was probably a little quick, but after a few weeks, I began to fall in love with her. I'm a very socially awkward person, and I feel I'm really awful at talking to people, but with her, it was so different. We never struggled to find something to talk about, and we got along so well, it was chemistry like I've honestly never felt before. She was just so much fun to talk to, so quirky and interesting, yet so kind and sweet. Add in a mutual interest of anime, manga and video games, and she was just the absolute perfect match for me, not to mention she was absolutely beautiful.
Even before everything that happened in 2019 happened, I'm not going to pretend that I was a totally mentally healthy person. My total social awkwardness has left me single for my entire life up to this point, so I pined for love incredibly hard, which tends to make me a little on the obsessive side. When I start to get feelings towards someone, that person suddenly becomes my whole world, as if nothing else matters to me. I appreciate that is not at all a mentally sound or healthy mindset to have, yet it's something I have unwittingly managed to adopt at some point in my life, and it was this that started to drive her away. She was an incredibly busy person, yet if she went a little while without talking to me, I'd message her and make sure she was okay, and I hadn't upset her, putting pressure on her to give me attention even if she didn't have time or wasn't in the mood to talk. I'd send her incredibly lengthy, sometimes essay length messages, even though she told me to stop because she found the prospect of replying to my messages to be overwhelming and time consuming. Despite her very politely telling me these things, I struggled to stop and change. Even after telling her I would stop, I'd always slide back into old habits and revert back to my old ways. I'm not sure if it was because of this or in spite of it that when I ended up confessing my feelings towards her, she turned me down.
It's at this point when I should have just taken no for an answer, continued being friends with her, and just continued with my life, but for some reason, I just could not let her go. Even after a polite "no", I would continue my romantic affection towards her. This would end up causing many an upset and argument between us. I felt so bad every time we fought, it felt like each time was the end of everything between us, I even made her cry and several occasions, purely because she did love me as a friend, and did value me, but wanted me to stop trying to force her into being something that I wanted her to be. Despite this though, I just never did stop loving her, despite all of the times I promised to move on.
It was then in October that came the breaking point. It was inevitable, I knew it was coming, but I was never quite prepared. She got a boyfriend. It broke me. Perhaps it might have been more wise to just keep my feelings to myself but I told her how it made me feel, I told her that I was crushed, that I felt as if my world was ending, that I loved her more than anything in the world and my heart was in two. In hindsight, this was incredibly selfish. A close friend had found happiness in the form of love and all I could do was tell her how much it hurt me. This whole incident drove a huge wedge between us that, despite trying, changed things between us completely. We stopped speaking for a while, and even when we did reconnect a little later on, it just wasn't the same as it was. Determined to move past this, I jumped on Tinder, and I actually did end up talking to someone for a few weeks, and it looked like it might actually be going somewhere. In my heart, I knew I still was in love with someone else, and the spark was nowhere near what I felt with her, but I thought if I don't at least try to love someone else, I'll never get anywhere.
To prove that I was trying to move on, I decide to tell her that I had met someone on Tinder and we were getting along well, and we might start dating soon, and she was so thrilled for me. If anything, it kind of reignited that lost friendship a little bit, with her knowing I was finally moving past her and onto someone else. We were okay for a few weeks, but then she tells me that she's having issues with her relationship, and would potentially break up with her boyfriend. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to tell her that I was still in love with her, and how much I wanted to be with her, even despite the girl I met from Tinder in the equation. She was outraged, and rightly so. She called me selfish, said I was just using this girl from Tinder as a means to get over or replace her, even though I didn't have any real feelings towards her, and she was right. After that, she said she was going to block me on the messaging app we use, and that she wanted space from me, and she would talk to me again when she thought it appropriate. This was in May, it's now almost August, and I haven't had any contact with her since.
We'd gone a few weeks without talking before, perhaps a little over a month, but it has never been this long. I am beginning to lose hope that she will ever want to talk to me again. I got into a drunken mess last week, and made the mistake of trying to DM her over Twitter, begging her to just speak to me, and that I just wanted to be friends, and how I regretted everything. I got no response, even in the morning when I messaged her an apology for my drunk texts. When I was drunk, I also had a glance at her Twitter page, something I hadn't done since October, and she seems to be in a relationship still, although if that's with someone new or the same guy as before, I'm unsure.
It's this silence that I find so deafening and what's depressing me so much. This time, I think we're done for real. I think she has finally decided that she is better off without me in her life, and that hurts. It hurts so much. I'm not undeserving of it, she has given me chance after chance after chance, and I ruined things every single time through my inability to learn and grow as a person. I was too busy chasing a relationship that was never happening that I ended up sacrificing a very real and very close friendship that I should have treasured more than anything, and that I would trade the world for to get back.
I'm not bitter about anything, I'm glad that she's happy and has someone, after getting to know her, I can honestly say she deserves to be happy more than anyone I know, I just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of my own happiness. I still feel like I'm in love with her, even now, as silly as it is. I just cannot move forward. Even though I fully accept and appreciate it will never, ever happen, I have just never felt anything like I've felt for her, and I'm not sure I ever will, and that scares me. She really is unique, one of a kind, and I don't think I will ever find anyone else quite like her. Even if I did, I'm ever more scared that I'll mistreat them and push them away just like I did before. I don't think I can handle this sort of pain again. It's been 10 months since my heart got broken, and I'm still here picking up the pieces, dealing with the depression every day. constantly feeling as if I'm going to break down crying. I'm just fully incapable of moving past this, and I don't know for how much longer I can take this sort of emotional pain. The anti depressants helped for a time, but this last week has seemingly rendered them ineffective once more.
I appreciate I have a lot of friends here, but if after reading this you determine I'm not a good or nice person anymore, then I don't blame you. I have done some really bad and upsetting things to a girl I love more than anyone or anything in the world, and as much as I regret what happened, I can't take any of it back. I am a bad person, a bad friend. I try not to be as self depreciating as I once was, but this much seems obvious. The more I think about it, the more I think that I probably didn't deserve to be with her to begin with. I realise this has gone on forever and I don't expect anyone at all to read this, but I just really needed to get these feelings down somewhere. Maybe I'll regret making any of this public, I'm not sure, but I just really needed to vent. I hope you all understand. I'm sorry if I've let anyone down.
I mean I understand that moving on was necessary at some point but I miss my friend 
