The General Conversation Area

[Neil.T]

I'm sitting here nodding in agreement all the way through @ayase and @IncendiaryLemon's posts. We must be cut from similar cloth. (Not meaning to drag you down to my level, guys. )

it might be something to try at some point but (I think) I have a couple of options worth pursuing before I get to that stage.

I have literally everything quietly crossed for you.

@IncendiaryLemon: It really cuts me up to see you say those things, Lemon. I followed the AUKN forums for about three months before joining, and you've always been one of my favourite people on here. Given that this is the World-Wide Web, that makes you one of my very favourite people globally, so it genuinely hurts to feel like you're suffering in any way.

I feel as if I could've written that entire post myself. So much is familiar. But there is one important difference between us, Lemon: you are only 19. I can only hope that doesn't come across as patronising, because that is not my intention. To put it into context, I've been in the bind I'm in now for longer than you've even lived. I wouldn't want you to reach that same position. I really believe that things might've worked out differently for me if I'd been afforded even just a little encouragement and a helpful nudge in the right direction. I don't know if my words will be of any help to you, but I can only try.

@Lemon - I'm sure you're not that unattractive.

I can only echo @st_owly's words. I've been through that myself. I am quite as unattractive as I once believed in my heart of hearts? Not to sound arrogant, but probably not. Does that automatically make me more attractive, then? No, I don't believe it does. Does it improve my overall chances, though? Again, not to sound arrogant, but it probably does in its own way, because it's one less stick to beat myself with and improves my mindset overall. Other changes can and will snowball from that. I mean, just look at the chain reaction @Vashdaman has triggered here! After the first step, other things will naturally and unavoidably follow.

Even in terms of just friends, I only have one who I see from time

You're still doing better than me, buddy!
Tell me, did your interests start to diverge at any point? If so, that's a crucial factor. Even if not, when people move to a different environment, it just becomes more difficult or sometimes awkward to keep ties to certain things or people. That's not your fault! The same thing kind of happened to me; interests change and people move on. There are people I've gotten on well with at work, for example, who have been leaving for a new job and have actively asked for my email address or Facebook details to maintain contact. Have any of them actually done that? No, they haven't. I can't say that I took it personally, though. I feel by now (with the benefit of a few extra years over yourself) that I understand the factors at work here and that people have simply moved on to their new environment and are just busy with other things. It really is nothing personal.

To me, you're one of the most likeable and most-liked people on this forum. (As well as the most-Liked. )

I don't exactly do myself any favours by essentially chaining myself to my house when I'm not at work

This is something I'd love to get into in a bit more detail. Maybe another time, if you're interested?

Boom finally got another job after months of doing bugger all.

This also means my sweet trip to Japan is definitely on as I still have the cash set aside

In other news, I failed my driving test today. Got nervous and ****** up a junction and the parallel park.

Congrats to @ShipTeaser; commiserations to @st_owly.

What a wallet-breaking pain, having to pay for another test.

 

[serpantino]

I'm going to sound like a dick here but being in a relationship, even a loving one, is not a magical cure. Everyone that's experienced a long term one knows this, I guess I'm just the villain that says it.

Relationships present a whole new set of complicated problems that can be very hard to cope with and you will have to deal with new ones cropping up for as long as you're together.

There's no magical perfect synergy that happens if you're with someone, no matter how compatible you are, your partner isn't a magic love bot designed to serve your needs; they will always have their own thoughts, desires and hang ups both physically and mentally and being open and honest all the time is impossible.

It all seems to easy in your head when you're desperately longing for that connection, you can fool yourself into believing anything works and if you do enter a relationship then you have the biological chemistry to make things easier but that fades in 6-12 months and you might suddenly find that you or your partner don't really have a genuine connection which can leave you even more broken than you were before.

If you're always looking for the next potential romance then you'll keep trying to twist people into your ideal vision so you'll always be awkward with them, especially if you're self depreciating.

You don't have to love yourself, just accept, because like it or not you're stuck like that so why make it harder for yourself? I hated myself when I was younger, thought I was utterly hideous. With a lot of time, patience and personal grooming effort, I learnt to accept and feel comfort so now I just don't give a damn. If people don't like the way I look then they're not worth my time.

I've got a big nose but I just joke about it and it no longer bothers me. I have scars on my hands because I've put my fists through mirrors in the past when my hair just wouldn't do what I wanted, now I care so little that I even cut it myself.

There's worse people out there than you.

 

[IncendiaryLemon]

@IncendiaryLemon: It really cuts me up to see you say those things, Lemon. I followed the AUKN forums for about three months before joining, and you've always been one of my favourite people on here. Given that this is the World-Wide Web, that makes you one of my very favourite people globally, so it genuinely hurts to feel like you're suffering in any way.

Honestly, this means a lot to me. I have very low self esteem, to the point where most of the time, I wouldn't consider myself even a remotely likable person. Of course, it's different on the internet, it's much easier to think things through to hide your more negative traits, but in real life, I think I have a lot of negative sides you don't generally see if your overall impression of me is just from the forum. Hell, even anyone who's active in the Discord chat will be able to tell you I'm generally quite stubborn, argumentative, aggressive and occasionally on the obnoxious side. However, it's nice to know that someone cares, because I kinda feel at times not a whole lot of people do care.

I feel as if I could've written that entire post myself. So much is familiar. But there is one important difference between us, Lemon: you are only 19. I can only hope that doesn't come across as patronising, because that is not my intention. To put it into context, I've been in the bind I'm in now for longer than you've even lived. I wouldn't want you to reach that same position. I really believe that things might've worked out differently for me if I'd been afforded even just a little encouragement and a helpful nudge in the right direction. I don't know if my words will be of any help to you, but I can only try.

I've been told this before, that I'm too young to be totally writing off my love life at such an early age, but the amount of people that do end up in the situation I'm in right now at twice my age, but that only leads me to believe that things aren't going to change any time soon.

I can only echo @st_owly's words. I've been through that myself. I am quite as unattractive as I once believed in my heart of hearts? Not to sound arrogant, but probably not. Does that automatically make me more attractive, then? No, I don't believe it does. Does it improve my overall chances, though? Again, not to sound arrogant, but it probably does in its own way, because it's one less stick to beat myself with and improves my mindset overall. Other changes can and will snowball from that. I mean, just look at the chain reaction @Vashdaman has triggered here! After the first step, other things will naturally and unavoidably follow.

Perhaps I'm not as unattractive as I think I am, but until I know that any female thinks otherwise, I can't help but think that I must be hideous looking.

You're still doing better than me, buddy!
Tell me, did your interests start to diverge at any point? If so, that's a crucial factor. Even if not, when people move to a different environment, it just becomes more difficult or sometimes awkward to keep ties to certain things or people. That's not your fault! The same thing kind of happened to me; interests change and people move on. There are people I've gotten on well with at work, for example, who have been leaving for a new job and have actively asked for my email address or Facebook details to maintain contact. Have any of them actually done that? No, they haven't. I can't say that I took it personally, though. I feel by now (with the benefit of a few extra years over yourself) that I understand the factors at work here and that people have simply moved on to their new environment and are just busy with other things. It really is nothing personal.

To me, you're one of the most likeable and most-liked people on this forum. (As well as the most-Liked. )

Oh, I know that I wasn't forgotten about on purpose, and that people do generally just drift away, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, especially when they've all easily found replacements and I haven't.

 

[st_owly (witch)]

I'm female

 

[Neil.T]

Honestly, this means a lot to me.

I'm glad, Lemon, because I meant it. Of course my words aren't the ones that would make the big difference to you, but I hope they might be able to offer some kind of insight in the meantime.

it's different on the internet, it's much easier to think things through to hide your more negative traits

It certainly is. I mean, I'm sure I come across a whole lot better as text on a monitor, too. (My avatar pic is a hell of a lot easier on the eye for starters. ) Does that mean that you honestly believe that what I know of you is just some fictional construct or alter-ego character? Nobody could contrive that. It would just be too much hard work and not worth the effort.

I doubt anybody ever has or ever will know absolutely every part of another person. Is that a bad thing?

I think I have a lot of negative sides you don't generally see if your overall impression of me is just from the forum. Hell, even anyone who's active in the Discord chat will be able to tell you I'm generally quite stubborn, argumentative, aggressive and occasionally on the obnoxious side.

Yeah? What of it, buddy? Those are all just ordinary human traits. It depends on who you ask: I know that there are people who have seen me as argumentative, aggressive or occasionally on the obnoxious side. Those are people I probably never saw eye-to-eye with in the first place, and probably never will. I also like to believe that there are people who see me in a better light than that. Those are the people I prefer to focus on.

And I fail to see how stubbornness has to be a negative trait. I'm very stubborn and make no apology for it. (Stubbornly. )

I've been told this before, that I'm too young to be totally writing off my love life at such an early age

And do you know why you've been told that, dude? It's because you're far too young to be writing off your love life at such an early age! (I told you I was stubborn. And occasionally obnoxious. )

that only leads me to believe that things aren't going to change any time soon.

Then don't expect things to change any time soon. That's what I wanted and it doesn't work like that. If I'd been smarter or had the right advice, I would have invested in the long game. Aim for gradual change. Baby steps. Hell, even if it took you 5 BLOODY YEARS from now to get around to asking someone out, you'd still beat me by a year. And you'd still have tons of time ahead of you.

I'm sorry if this has all come across as too intense and in-your-face. It's only because I care.

Excuse me for giving a ****! (Did I mention I could be obnoxious sometimes? )

 

[Demelza]

One thing I will say @IncendiaryLemon is that I think you struggle to understand that a lot of use suffer the same thoughts and feelings as yourself and that you're not a terrible/unlikable/bad person by any means! I consider you a friend and have enjoyed getting to know you since we joined the staff team together a couple of years ago (man, time is flying there!).

I mean let me put some stuff into perspective here. The only relationship and general encounter with love I have ever experienced is my current relationship and even then that didn't happen till I was about your age. I might have even been a year older than you, time escapes me. I think that even if you aren't with someone now and even if you don't have a relationship for another five or ten years, eventually someone will come along. It's just the way the world works. I also wouldn't be put off by thinking you don't go out to meet anyone, I mean I met Teapot on the internet so it is possible and does happen. I do agree with what serpantino was saying above me though, that being in a relationship doesn't make everything perfect and it brings its own set of problems - especially when you get to the stage of living together because that really is a test of if you can live with one another without driving one another crazy and also a lot of adjustment to how you go about your day.

I relate to how you feel about yourself more than you'll ever know. I have **** luck when it comes to jobs, in so far as I'm stubbornly trying to make my own way in the world because nothing wants to work out for me in the more traditional sense of tried and tested interviews with retail stores that will work you for little reward. I don't think I really have any skills to speak of and okay I can write about stuff, but then so can you. It's not something I take for granted because I have worked incredibly hard to get better at my writing skills but there are still days where I think everything is terrible and actively ignore work I should be doing. Frankly I have no other skills to speak of and my personality is a weird one where I find it hard to talk to people until I get used to being around them because I'm really shy - but I'm someone who likes being around others so if I don't try and talk then I'm just lonely. I'm awkward and ramble, I get offended easily and I'm easily discouraged. I have good friends but the ones I have I've known for years and haven't really built on, I like routine and dislike change so I don't actively go out of my way to meet new people.

I know it's hard to be positive about ourselves but you just gotta try. I don't think I'm anything special, I don't know what people see in me as a friend or let along why Teapot loves me so much but I keep going. Sure there are days where I'm negative about a lot of things about myself and the way I live my life (usually related to work and being slightly overweight, although I have been working on the latter), but I have hobbies I enjoy and just immerse myself in those. I like watching and reading stuff, I like playing guitar, you just gotta find a way to push through the negative and work on thinking more positively about life but don't let the bad days get to you either - I can promise you we all have them.

I think the last thing I'd say is that life is always changing, y'know? Even if we don't instigate that change ourselves life moves around us anyway. A lot of the work I do now and the friends I have are not always because of anything I did, they just came about because of changes happening around me. You're still young, we both are, and we have long lives to go through yet and we'll no doubt have changed a lot between here and ten, twenty, thirty years down the road even if it's tough to consider that possibility now.

 

[IncendiaryLemon]

One thing I will say @IncendiaryLemon is that I think you struggle to understand that a lot of use suffer the same thoughts and feelings as yourself and that you're not a terrible/unlikable/bad person by any means! I consider you a friend and have enjoyed getting to know you since we joined the staff team together a couple of years ago (man, time is flying there!).

I mean let me put some stuff into perspective here. The only relationship and general encounter with love I have ever experienced is my current relationship and even then that didn't happen till I was about your age. I might have even been a year older than you, time escapes me. I think that even if you aren't with someone now and even if you don't have a relationship for another five or ten years, eventually someone will come along. It's just the way the world works. I also wouldn't be put off by thinking you don't go out to meet anyone, I mean I met Teapot on the internet so it is possible and does happen. I do agree with what serpantino was saying above me though, that being in a relationship doesn't make everything perfect and it brings its own set of problems - especially when you get to the stage of living together because that really is a test of if you can live with one another without driving one another crazy and also a lot of adjustment to how you go about your day.

I relate to how you feel about yourself more than you'll ever know. I have **** luck when it comes to jobs, in so far as I'm stubbornly trying to make my own way in the world because nothing wants to work out for me in the more traditional sense of tried and tested interviews with retail stores that will work you for little reward. I don't think I really have any skills to speak of and okay I can write about stuff, but then so can you. It's not something I take for granted because I have worked incredibly hard to get better at my writing skills but there are still days where I think everything is terrible and actively ignore work I should be doing. Frankly I have no other skills to speak of and my personality is a weird one where I find it hard to talk to people until I get used to being around them because I'm really shy - but I'm someone who likes being around others so if I don't try and talk then I'm just lonely. I'm awkward and ramble, I get offended easily and I'm easily discouraged. I have good friends but the ones I have I've known for years and haven't really built on, I like routine and dislike change so I don't actively go out of my way to meet new people.

I know it's hard to be positive about ourselves but you just gotta try. I don't think I'm anything special, I don't know what people see in me as a friend or let along why Teapot loves me so much but I keep going. Sure there are days where I'm negative about a lot of things about myself and the way I live my life (usually related to work and being slightly overweight, although I have been working on the latter), but I have hobbies I enjoy and just immerse myself in those. I like watching and reading stuff, I like playing guitar, you just gotta find a way to push through the negative and work on thinking more positively about life but don't let the bad days get to you either - I can promise you we all have them.

I think the last thing I'd say is that life is always changing, y'know? Even if we don't instigate that change ourselves life moves around us anyway. A lot of the work I do now and the friends I have are not always because of anything I did, they just came about because of changes happening around me. You're still young, we both are, and we have long lives to go through yet and we'll no doubt have changed a lot between here and ten, twenty, thirty years down the road even if it's tough to consider that possibility now.

First of all, thank you for taking the time to write such a long post! I honestly appreciate people taking time out of their day to try and help me out a bit, same to you @Neil.T. It is pretty reassuring to know that people who have been in a similar position to me have found their way out of it. Perhaps I am a little too harsh on myself sometimes, but I've been that way for as long as I can remember, and I've never had much in the way of self esteem or self confidence, so perhaps a good way to make a change would just be to perhaps not be so overtly and inwardly negative all the time, as you say. Contrasting this post to the ones from @Neil.T kinda made me realise that it can go either way really, and like you mention, the world is constantly shifting around us, and it's impossible to predict anything. Even if all hope may seem lost at the moment, there is 0 guarantee it will stay like that.

 

[Neil.T]

Perhaps I am a little too harsh on myself sometimes, but I've been that way for as long as I can remember, and I've never had much in the way of self esteem or self confidence, so perhaps a good way to make a change would just be to perhaps not be so overtly and inwardly negative all the time, as you say.

Yes, Lemon, you are being too harsh on yourself. You're holding yourself to higher account than most people do, and that is simply unfair. It creates an unlevel playing field and is really stacking the odds against yourself. It's like a conscious or unconscious self-sabotage.

I've never had much in the way of self esteem or self confidence

This is an interesting one, because up until a certain point I would have fretted over the same thing. I can't really pin it down to any particular point in time, but somewhere along the line it just ceased to be a problem. I think the breaking point must have come when I eventually just got bored and fed up with analysing and trying to rationalise it. What a difference that made, in hindsight. Like I said before, it was one less stick to beat myself with, and that in itself made a huge difference to my overall mindset.

If anything, I wish I'd gotten bored of it sooner.

Contrasting this post to the ones from @Neil.T kinda made me realise that it can go either way

Yeah, well, make sure you go @Demelza's way and not mine. Or you'll have me to answer to.


For myself, if I may, things have been very up and down since my first post in this thread a couple of weeks ago. It swings between quietly excited hope and actual crying despondency. Being able to see all of this in one place in this thread has forced me to confront it and acknowledge that it is actually happening. I was looking at something I'd heard of recently on Wikipedia, and I ended up on a different page that was shockingly familiar. It was the page on Bipolar II disorder. I'm really, really shocked at how familiar the signs and symptoms seem. Surely not?

Lastly, I was hoping to ask some opinion again. There's a girl at my workplace who I speak to most days. (It's not like that! ) A while back, I couldn't help but overhear a conversation she was having with someone where I think she made reference to a new boyfriend. (From what I'd gathered she'd been single during the time we'd worked in the same place. None of my business, I know!) Since overhearing that, I feel from my side like it's easier to talk more freely, because I feel within myself that she's less likely to think that I might have "ideas". I hasten to repeat that I never did have any "ideas". I just have a guilt complex about it.

I've experienced this before and wondered whether this is a strange or flawed mentality? Or is that actually quite common?

 

[Dave1988]

Life in general can be tough i myself have very low self asteem and what makes it worse at the moment i really like a girl i work with._._._she says she likes me aswel we text and talk etc but i keep asking her out and i keep getting the same answer back ` IM BUSY' why do women toy with you she knows my feelings about her is she doing it to boost her ego?/

 

[Watanabe Ken]

Life in general can be tough i myself have very low self asteem and what makes it worse at the moment i really like a girl i work with._._._she says she likes me aswel we text and talk etc but i keep asking her out and i keep getting the same answer back ` IM BUSY' why do women toy with you she knows my feelings about her is she doing it to boost her ego?/

Sounds like she enjoys the attention you give her and is using you to make herself feel good

 

[Dave1988]

Sounds like she enjoys the attention you give her and is using you to make herself feel good

Thats what i thought tbh i need to let go and move on i feel

 

[Watanabe Ken]

Thats what i thought tbh i need to let go and move on i feel

Yeah I wouldn't waste the time and energy on her buddy there's plenty more girls out there you'll find the right one eventually.

 

[Neil.T]

i keep getting the same answer back ` IM BUSY'

My genuine condolences to you, @Dave1988. The singular time I was able to get as far as asking someone out, as I mentioned in an earlier post, the initial "Yeah, okay" later turned into "too busy just now". I know where you're coming from, man. I just hope it doesn't sting for you too much.

I keep meaning to mention:

I've got a big nose but I just joke about it and it no longer bothers me.

Heh, me too.

being in a relationship, even a loving one, is not a magical cure

I couldn't agree more; I'm sure that's absolutely true. Nothing will cure everything on its own: it's all about balance, I guess. (Something I admit I've never been very good at.)

Relationships present a whole new set of complicated problems that can be very hard to cope with and you will have to deal with new ones cropping up for as long as you're together.

I'm quite sure that's true as well. But let me put this out there:

If you had reached your thirties without ever having experienced any of it, how do you reckon you would feel? It can feel like you're on the opposite side of a very high wall. I guarantee you'd want to see what's on the other side.


To return to something in my previous post, if I may, I'm personally finding these "hypomanic" phases (if that's what they are) are actually proving very useful. Though it's obviously not something I'd recommend to anyone, they can definitely be used to your advantage if you're mindful of it and just dial it down a little. It's providing great momentum and some incredible positive changes at the moment.

They may talk to strangers easily, offer solutions to problems ... Such advantages may render them unwilling to submit to treatment, especially when symptoms do not impair functioning, the Wikipedia article says. At the moment, at least, I can see why.

 

[Rui]

Can confirm that big noses on boys (and girls) are perfectly cute. If you hate something about yourself, would it turn you off if someone of your preferred gender configuration had the same flaw?

If you had reached your thirties without ever having experienced any of it, how do you reckon you would feel? It can feel like you're on the opposite side of a very high wall. I guarantee you'd want to see what's on the other side.

I know people a decade past that who are still in the same place. They're not happy about it, but ultimately they haven't been prioritising looking (or have ridiculous standards, like wanting no previous relationships or tattoos on a girl - that kind of restriction only makes things harder the older you get)! The people I know who actively put themselves out there do tend to succeed, though the process is terribly awkward and embarrassing for the shy ones.

At the same time I've got other friends who have been in and out of relationships but they don't work out for what amounts to the same reason; the guys have things they prioritises over the partner and that means that they bail at the first bump in the road. I don't think it's good to be codependent but if you want a close relationship and one person moves town or changes jobs, you have to factor that into your life and be willing to come to a compromise - and they aren't. Which is fine if they're happy. It's a matter of priorities.

I wouldn't take the 'I'm busy' thing too hard. Girls do tend to get a lot more invitations than guys and when you're swimming in people showing interest it all gets a bit overwhelming, especially when you're not in the right frame of mind to be dating and they are. Simply saying 'I'm not interested' just unleashes abuse or excuses in a certain type of guy and sadly every girl over a certain age has experienced that at least once, so this stupid web of lies is rolled out instead, completely confusing the perfectly reasonable guys who just want a straightforward answer with no baggage. Plus people are scared that if they flat out say 'no' they'll be down a friend, as per the previous discussion!

Or she might just be busy. Maybe ask about that and leave the date part for afterwards?

R

 

[Vashdaman]

Hello another pretty big nose here. I'm glad to hear they're cute in Rui's book! I also second that they're cute in girls, I'm pretty into them actually. The woman I fancy at the moment has no small nose and that's great! She's my age which is good, and is just lovely, that's the only way I can describe her really. I really would like a lover my own age like her right now, I think the chances of it working out and us clicking are higher on the whole. And yet, that she's my age is also my biggest cause of doubt that she'd like me, as while I don't think I'm emotionally immature, I am the definition of 'scrub' or 'wasteman' and other such stupid words. I.e I've never left home, have no current career prospects, not to mention my limited relationship experience. I like to think I make up for it with my lyrical abilities, but I completely lack the outward signifiers of adult life.

But still I completely agree with Rui that putting yourself out there will pay off eventually. I'm hoping it does for me. Just keep going

 

[serpantino]

Big noses must be an anime thing

If you had reached your thirties without ever having experienced any of it, how do you reckon you would feel? It can feel like you're on the opposite side of a very high wall. I guarantee you'd want to see what's on the other side.

It's impossible for me to see things from that angle sadly but life is always like that and you'll never be happy if you spend your entire life focused on what if's.

When I was 17 I got together with my first girlfriend. Sadly back then I didn't know how to cope with my mental illness and it made things very difficult so our relationship didn't last all that long. Despite that she became this perfect thing to aspire towards regaining and I never managed to get over her and move on and eventually, through no fault of her own, it got to the point that I practically took my own life (there were other elements in play too of course) and I woke up 3 days later in hospital.
Anyway.... I had a bit of a new determination after that but still found myself clinging onto her because she was still trying to help me and sadly I had no option but to cut off all ties with that girl (she was a real good soul, which made it all so hard.) That practically destroyed me.

Long story short I met my current (2nd) partner and I've somehow managed to keep things going for 5 years. My partner is currently struggling to deal with some recent deaths in the family and it's something that I've never had to deal with before. I just can't get my head around it and say the right thing and it's very difficult to cope with, compounded again by my underlying mental illness which can make me pretty dead emotionally sometimes. I know now that I wasn't mentally equipped to cope with this kind of thing back then, I can just about cope now but I believe that love isn't just a feeling, it's a conscious decision you make to be with someone every day, even when things are difficult.

As for my ex, she's still in my mind and dreams from time to time, and it feels more like habit than anything, it's annoying as hell and makes me feel guilty but it makes for a good cautionary tale.


Is it worth it? Sure, but don't desperately rush to find acceptance with someone else because you can't accept yourself or it'll just leave you in more of a mess when it doesn't work out.

 

[HdE]

I don't often follow anything outside the usual half dozen threads on this forum I post in. But I've just been looking over this while waiting for files to upload (something I frequently do at stupid times of night or far too early in the morning in hopes of doing that 'earning a living' thing.)

But I digress. Just saw some stuff in here that made me backtrack a few pages. At the risk of making myself feel grandfatherly ( I turned 40 this week - whelp!) I've got to say something to this:

I'm an unattractive, antisocial, introverted and socially awkward weeb, and at this point I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to manage to fall in love or to be loved. In my 19 short years of life, I have still yet to even get a brief romance going, which seems abnormal compared to my peers, and I've kinda written myself of as some abnormality, whose going to die cripplingly alone. Even in terms of just friends, I only have one who I see from time to time after everyone else up and left me when they went to Uni, all of which I've had pretty much 0 contact with since they left.

Incendiary Lemon - it behooves me to say:

OI! I AM NOT HAVING THIS!

Everything you're talking about there is, in a lot of ways, actually quite natural to worry about. But it's also not worth worrying too much about, either.

Something I've actually come to believe as I've gotten older is that all of us tend to worry about how attractive we are to other people. But it's really not a huge deal. What makes folks attractive to others usually comes down to a lot of different factors.

It might sound like a horrible cliche to say something as 'beauty is within' or whatever, but there's a very sizeable dollop of truth in it.

You frequently light up this board and post interesting stuff. You quite often give me a chuckle. And you're extremely likeable. These are the traits that matter. And they'll stand out to the people you meet who will come to matter in your life. Don't worry if you get that feeling from time to time that everyone around you is 'doing better' in some regard. They might be going out doing exciting things that put smiles on their faces, or whatever. But I guarantee you that so much of what you see will be fleeting. The folks you know who are running around apparently being the life and soul of the party and falling in love every five minutes or whatever are probably going to reveal a pattern in their behaviour.

When I was in my late 20s, most of the people I knew were buying their first homes, settling into relationships, maybe even having kids. Some of them even took delight in rubbing my face in their achievements. But that didn't mean a whole lot. Because the legacy some of them sowed for themselves equated long term to divorce, house repossession, and a whole lot of acrimony. The folks I knew who were out with a new girl or fella every other weekend continued to be seen out with a new girl or guy every weekend, after everyone else had (supposedly) settled down. Some are still doing that now. And some of them are MISERABLE.

If ever I wanted some of what they had, that got trained out of me when I saw how badly it went wrong for them. All because they did certain things for the wrong reasons. A lot of the time, that was down to a misplaced idea that, by X point in their lives, they had to have achieved a certain life goal. Some of them had grandparents who nagged and nagged them to be out of their parents' houses by a certain age. I knew one guy whose parentswere so concerned about his inability to find a girlfriend that his mother actually bought him a horrible top shelf magazine and left it on the coffee table for him with a note saying 'this is what you're missing out on, son' - UGH! Way to send a really unhealthy message there!

My point here is that it's not worth dwelling too much on what other people have got that you would like in your own life. At 19, you've still got a LOT of room to grow as a person. Don't worry about things happening too fast, or too slow, or ever at all. Life can be surprising in that department. We tend to get weird ideas about our personal progress, I think. I mean, when I was 25, 'progress' meant getting a date or finding a job and hoping those things would turn into long term things. But now that I'm about to swerve into my fifth decade, I ACTUALLY think progress was learning when to say 'no, screw you lot, THIS is what I think, this is what I want to do, and I'm sticking to it, ' as well as developing a healthy attitude of simply giving zero f*cks.

Chin up. You're alright, you are.

 

[HdE]

Also gonna say this:

When I was 17 I got together with my first girlfriend. Sadly back then I didn't know how to cope with my mental illness and it made things very difficult so our relationship didn't last all that long. Despite that she became this perfect thing to aspire towards regaining and I never managed to get over her and move on and eventually, through no fault of her own, it got to the point that I practically took my own life (there were other elements in play too of course) and I woke up 3 days later in hospital.
Anyway.... I had a bit of a new determination after that but still found myself clinging onto her because she was still trying to help me and sadly I had no option but to cut off all ties with that girl (she was a real good soul, which made it all so hard.) That practically destroyed me.

Really sorry to hear your life took you down that route, Serpantino. Just keep swimming.

 

[serpantino]

It's fine, it happens. I don't really talk about it nowadays but it makes for a good cautionary tale and (hopefully) shows that what I said earlier about relationships wasn't just to be a dick.

In other news I also think our resident lemon is awesome and was shocked to see he was so young!

 

[Neil.T]

Incendiary Lemon - it behooves me to say:

OI! I AM NOT HAVING THIS!

You tell 'im, @HdE! If we gang up on @IncendiaryLemon like this, he'll have no choice but to listen to our sound reasoning.

I know people a decade past that who are still in the same place.

Thanks yet again for offering some interesting perspective on things, @Rui. I still believe, deep down, that this is where I am ultimately headed. I feel like I'm pretty emotionally brittle by this stage and everything is easily derailed. That stacks things very much against you from the start. I still find myself wanting to just stop caring about things. But I'm also stubborn! I'm determined to try to do something with this opportunity for improvement that I've been given.

Or she might just be busy. Maybe ask about that and leave the date part for afterwards?

With my own example that I described in my initial post here, it was definitely a polite excuse. Bless her, she was really nice about it! I was lucky there. That wasn't the end of the story, though: it all got a bit bizarre and complicated beyond that. Maybe that's a story for another time, but it sort of taps into something in @serpantino's post.

She's my age which is good, and is just lovely, that's the only way I can describe her really.

Ooh...? Who is this mystery lady you speak of, Vash?

I've never left home ...

Yep, [raises hand sheepishly] me neither.


In other (brilliant) news, I won a competition prize yesterday! It's a copy of Metropolis on Blu-ray from a competition on UKA. The question was a tricky little one; quite easy to slip up on:

Which legendary figure wrote the screenplay for Metropolis?

A: Katsuhiro Otomo
B: Duke Red
C: Osamu Tezuka
​

I feel like I'm on something of a roll just now!