The General Conversation Area

[Rui]

Oh Vash, you're wonderful

Is that really worse than not accepting rejection? I only ask because... that does sound quite a lot like me. I don't do it because I'm "only" interested in people romantically, but rather because the thought of not being able to be with them and inevitably seeing them with other people will just be too damn upsetting for me to continue to be around them any more.

I understand why it's more convenient for the guy, but the outcome is that you start to feel as though if you don't accept an unwanted advance you're going to be down a friend, which escalates the whole awkwardness about things like having friends of the opposite sex in the first place, or turning down an invitation. Which increases the pressure and in turn makes people run away from any man who opens his mouth in their vicinity screaming 'NO THANKS, I'M TAKEN!' before they can even begin asking their perfectly innocent question about when the next bus is due to arrive. Which presumably then complicates things for all other men in future who start to find that all women are highly selective, guarded and unfriendly towards them after being put through the other side of this emotional wringer once or twice.

It's also a bit squicky to me personally because if I open up and befriend someone and they then (effectively) have an emotional breakdown and storm off just because I won't sleep with them or hold hands, it says that our friendship was less important than their libido. It may well be true, but it's not something I want to have to be forced to confront. I don't make friends easily in the first place; having that snatched away just because I want to go my own way stings, not least because I'm someone who always goes their own way and it's forcing me to choose between my friendship and my freedom. I know a couple of my friends have had feelings for me (and/or my partner ) in the past but the fact that they stuck with me in spite of this is deeply appreciated. The ones who left because they couldn't handle it disappointed me. Caring about them was a waste of my time, and I definitely feel as though I made the right choice in turning them down. There will never be a second chance for them under any circumstances.

(I have never personally had this issue with amorous approaches from girls, but feel free to liberally remix the pronouns to suit if your life experiences differ.)

R

 

[ayase]

@Rui - I know plenty of people do stay friends in these situations but speaking personally, I genuinely don't know how they manage it. I can take rejection, it stings a little but I accept it, I'd never be pushy or disrespect someone else's wishes like that and I certainly don't expect them to feel anything for me, but they can't just flip a switch that turns off my feelings for them. That's why I feel like I just need to stay away from them from that point, not only do I know they don't share my feelings but now they know how I feel about them, and that's only going to make things more awkward.

I do see your disclaimer there but I also don't think this is just a male thing - While I'm on the friggin' therapist's couch when I think about my parents, I know when they broke up my father would have been more than happy to stay friends with my mother. But by her choice, she only sees and speaks to him for 5-10 minutes every few months and it became like that pretty much immediately after 20 years of marriage, and it's been that way now for 15 years. And that was a fairly civilised and not particularly acrimonious divorce. I inherited my emotional nature from her, I guess.

I think it's probably the case that the one doing the rejecting feels more at ease than the one who is being rejected, because they either never had or have ceased to have romantic feelings for the other party, who continues to have them at least for a while. I think the only way someone really could flip that switch and make me stop having feelings for them immediately would be for them to turn around and tell me they hate me and never want to see me again, which would have the exact same result of us not remaining friends and not seeing each any more. Is it healthy to retain feelings for people who don't and will never reciprocate? Probably not. Is there anything you can do to stop yourself having those feelings? Personally, I don't believe there is.

 

[Neil.T]

@ayase, @Rui, @Vashdaman: Wow, I don't know what to say. Thanks ever so much to each of you for your replies. Is it okay if I pick my way through some of your points?

I only tend to feel a really positive click about two or three times a decade. ... From that point the constant unrequited longing takes a serious toll on my mental health.

I have to second this. On the rare occasions that it felt like something "clicked" for me, the torment started. Even at that stage I probably realistically knew that it was only one-sided. That's all I've ever known. Surely I would know if something was reciprocated in any way, on some kind of instinctive basis (being human and everything), but the fact is I've never actually seen it first-hand.

So I've basically stopped trying to care about anyone for my own well-being.

Yeah, I think this is probably pretty much where I'm at now. In my case, I tried to stop caring. Unfortunately(?), I think it might've worked.

This stuck in my mind when I read your reply to one of Vash's posts:

But what the hell do I know, I never connect with anyone any more.

How serious were you being when you wrote that, dude? Hypocritical of me, I know, but you don't feel like you've written it off entirely, do you?

I think it's best to look at the relationship between you as more equal than you do

Wow, that's impressive, Rui! How did you manage to tease that out so easily? You hit the nail on the head. Yeah, I confess I do believe inequality would be something I'd just have to accept. I guess I don't feel like I'm in any position to be making demands, as it were.

From your wording it feels almost as though you feel you're burdening them by existing and speaking your mind.

Hit the nail on the head again. (How are you doing this? ) The last thing I'd want is to bring anyone any unwanted unpleasantness. I try to minimise my impact on other people generally. Being a member of this forum is one glorious exception, though!

So long as you don't pile on the pressure and respect their wishes

Absolutely so. Please don't get me wrong, it was actually approaching someone that one time in the first place that was the difficult part. That was the part I had to railroad myself into. In the end I was also kind of glad she changed her mind. I don't know how much longer I could've coped with the stress anyway.

you sound sensitive enough not to be a huge nuisance to these people.

I like to hope I have at least this going for me.

If there's a chance to make it as casual as possible to avoid an awkward high pressure situation that's even better.

It completely boggles my mind, but it seems like I might have actually managed this that one time. You should've seen me afterwards, though! I couldn't even talk properly because the inside of my mouth had dried up with sheer nerves and gotten stuck together. I'm also told I was as white as a sheet. (Luckily she didn't see this part!) I guess this is what happens when you ask someone out for the first time at the tender age of 25!

It's difficult to tell what shows outwardly. I know within myself how nervous I am as a person, but I've been called things like "level-headed" or even "laid back" by other people. That's just bizarre to me. I can't understand that at all!

If it helps I had no idea my partner liked me until I was straight up asked out, and the feeling was mutual in that respect. But we turned out to like one another very much!

It helps very much to hear that.
It's fascinating to hear how people get together in the first place. The whole thing is not something I ever get to have a conversation about.

Also, this made me smile when I read it in the cinema thread a while back:

I'm lucky as I am married to someone who enjoys my frivolous outings

@Neil.TAsking someone out is perfectly natural after all.

I know you're right, Vash. It is an unavoidable part of being human (and my god, have I tried to avoid it), but it's still not something that feels natural or normal for me. It's got to be pretty rare that if you asked "What age did you have your first kiss at?" I'd have to answer "I haven't."
There! I admitted it!

I would also agree about you doing much better than a lot of people. I myself have probably never got to the stage you're at save for with my one ex girlfriend.

Nah, don't sell yourself short, dude. You're well ahead of me:

her physical attractiveness or our sex life

100% of them declined my cafe invitations, so I've never found anyone else yet who I've been able to properly ask out. So I'd say you're doing very well, Neil!

You're at least keeping yourself in the frame, buddy.
I haven't done anything in the last decade!


Sorry this was such a long post. There's years' worth of repressed stuff in there!

All the best,
Neil

 

[ayase]

While I'm here...

How serious were you being when you wrote that, dude? Hypocritical of me, I know, but you don't feel like you've written it off entirely, do you?

Not entirely, but I think I've stopped believing I can ever truly understand anyone else or that anyone else can ever really understand me. I've made my peace with the fact that on all the occasions I thought I did, or I thought someone did, I was wrong. I've come to accept that all my relationships with others, friends or lovers, are going to be on a much shallower level than I would like and that the only person I can ever truly be myself with is myself. It might sound a bit depressing, but I think that's probably a positive outcome.

 

[Neil.T]

I've come to accept that all my relationships with others, friends or lovers, are going to be on a much shallower level than I would like and that the only person I can ever truly be myself with is myself.

The old "holding out for something that doesn't exist" dilemma, eh?

I only wish I could argue against you, ayase, but I don't know how to counter that.

 

[Rui]

@Rui - I know plenty of people do stay friends in these situations but speaking personally, I genuinely don't know how they manage it. I can take rejection, it stings a little but I accept it, I'd never be pushy or disrespect someone else's wishes like that and I certainly don't expect them to feel anything for me, but they can't just flip a switch that turns off my feelings for them. That's why I feel like I just need to stay away from them from that point, not only do I know they don't share my feelings but now they know how I feel about them, and that's only going to make things more awkward.

I guess I don't fully understand how it feels. I've had crushes before - albeit mostly on imaginary people - but I'm so detached emotionally that I can generally switch it on and off without a problem; it never gets far enough for me to start feeling possessive about someone else. Perhaps I have self esteem issues and see failing at relationships as my destiny, on some level (which is probably why I see traces of similar issues in Neil's post). If my partner hadn't asked me out I'm pretty sure I'd have lived my whole life alone due to general apathy, and I honestly think that it would never have bothered me to see them finding love elsewhere even though we got on so well and they (literally) appeared in my dreams each night. I'm not saying I'm superior because I can let someone go or anything like that, it's just that I seem to work on different rules emotionally.

But I do get extremely attached to my friends. Once I've put myself out there and found people I trust and can open up to, I will do almost anything for those people. For them to throw it all away just because I don't fancy them really bothers me to the point that I can't understand it and invariably end up hating them. Conversely, the other day I finally made up with an old friend I fell out with for a boring - but important - reason. I thought about them every single day for those ten years; it cut me up just as badly as I imagine seeing the object of your affection finding love elsewhere does for you. When we eventually reconciled, I felt the same excited tingle in the pit of my stomach talking to them (online of course, I'm an A.I.) that I did when my partner first asked me out; the same nervous knot of anxiety you might feel wondering whether the person you like really does like you back. I have never had any sexual or romantic attraction to this old friend and that's still the case, but relationships are complicated like that.

Speaking of parents, both my partner and I come from 'broken homes' which handled it in very different ways. My parents fought like cats and dogs for years then split and ended up much happier. One of them remarried quickly, the other has yet to 'move on' relationship-wise and is definitely a lot colder emotionally, but they're both content enough to get along and stay in regular contact. They were even annoyed that they had to pretend to be angrier at one another than they actually were during the divorce proceedings in order to be granted the full separation they mutually wanted. Religion is great for 'saving' marriages, huh...

Meanwhile, my partner's parents had a much more acrimonious split where one wasn't as keen on the idea of divorce as the other. Being forced to go through the process outside of their emotional comfort zone caused a major breakdown in communication and contact was cut aside from the occasional meet-up for the sake of their children (who didn't care). It was terribly sad when one died and the other attended their funeral, though. That emotional tangle is never going to be resolved properly now.

But that's marriage, and I don't think normally that people get to the stage of asking someone out at the same level of emotional closeness as people who have been together for decades. I strongly prefer to date from my friendship pool rather than go with strangers, but Vash's more casual approach definitely has its appeal if closeness leads to shattered expectations and disappointment. I guess everyone has to find their comfort zone as individuals. If befriending people might mean unfriending them once the prospect of a romantic relationship collapses, perhaps it's better not to go that far in the first place? I don't know.

Still, I certainly don't think you're impossible to understand, ayase. You're certainly much more interesting than most people afraid to speak their minds, and that has a certain magnetism. You've mentioned it before but it seems the hardest part is getting a match between what you want and what the other person wants when it's likely any successful suitor is going to be just as strong-willed as you are yourself.

Wow, that's impressive, Rui! How did you manage to tease that out so easily? You hit the nail on the head. Yeah, I confess I do believe inequality would be something I'd just have to accept. I guess I don't feel like I'm in any position to be making demands, as it were.

Hit the nail on the head again. (How are you doing this? ) The last thing I'd want is to bring anyone any unwanted unpleasantness. I try to minimise my impact on other people generally. Being a member of this forum is one glorious exception, though!

They say that to love others you have to love yourself first. I think most people find that advice extremely annoying and impractical; loving yourself is generally not presented as all that attractive a trait in the first place, and it's not something that anyone can just start doing out of the blue. But even if you don't love yourself, I think it's important to accept that you're worthy of someone else's love. If the other person accepts one day, whether it's the first person you ask or the thousandth person, you need to avoid thinking they're insane, blind or the victim of some accidental trick of fate and acknowledge that they see things in you which are just as wonderful as the things you admire about them. Even if you still think you suck deep down.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann probably said it better: "Don't believe in yourself. Believe in me who believes in you."

While confidence is attractive, so is honesty. If someone you like is talking to you about some emotional topic with flushed cheeks, or they're unable to make eye contact reliably, or they look as though they're about to stop breathing and pass out from shyness, it's actually really, really cute irrespective of whether they're a cute, dainty girl or a big, hairy guy. If the other person isn't interested then I guess it looks dorky either way (if they even notice), but please don't ever feel ashamed of being nervous. Heck, you can always just come out and say it - the other person will probably be relieved you admitted it first (speaking from experience here...) ^^;

I do think it's true that few people have this kind of conversation openly; it's embarrassing and in some situations probably social suicide, but talking things out really helps get things straightened out and we're all rooting for one another to succeed, deep down. Anime fans are by default pretty socially awkward already, so I don't think there's anything to lose by chatting about these things and getting a range of different perspectives out in the open. You're certainly not alone in being a 'late bloomer' here, and there's absolutely no shame in that. We're all just trying to be happy as best we can.

R

 

[Neil.T]

I hope I'm not making anyone uncomfortable or feel burdened by persuing this conversation. (From my side, I'd certainly like to persue it because it's so interesting. )

Perhaps I have self esteem issues and see failing at relationships as my destiny, on some level (which is probably why I see traces of similar issues in Neil's post).

Ditto to the first part. Anything troubling you, Rui? This conversation is a two-way street, after all.

If my partner hadn't asked me out I'm pretty sure I'd have lived my whole life alone

For me, it's like looking into the abyss reading that. I feel like there's a gulf between the things you could get to experience on one side, and the (to be honest) pretty empty feeling you're left with on the other; and it's a terrifyingly fine line between which side you end up on.

From the perspective of a straight guy, the simple reality is that nothing is ever going to happen without there being some sort of deliberate action on my part. The problem is when that goes against your very character. How can I behave "naturally" when I'm already having to contrive my actions? That's a worry of mine. I'm naturally a very passive person. (Maybe this is what other people mistook for "laid back".)

While confidence is attractive, so is honesty. If someone you like is talking to you about some emotional topic with flushed cheeks, or they're unable to make eye contact reliably, or they look as though they're about to stop breathing and pass out from shyness, it's actually really, really cute ... Heck, you can always just come out and say it - the other person will probably be relieved you admitted it first (speaking from experience here...) ^^;

It's really, really heartening to hear you say that, Rui. I have this picture in my head of a situation where I'd just be able to laugh and say "Can I be honest with you? I'm kinda nervous. "

I don't know if it exists in reality.

I do think it's true that few people have this kind of conversation openly; it's embarrassing and in some situations probably social suicide, but talking things out really helps get things straightened out and we're all rooting for one another to succeed, deep down. Anime fans are by default pretty socially awkward already, so I don't think there's anything to lose by chatting about these things and getting a range of different perspectives out in the open. You're certainly not alone in being a 'late bloomer' here, and there's absolutely no shame in that. We're all just trying to be happy as best we can.

I hope I haven't made anyone here feel too uncomfortable with my uncharacteristic directness. I feel very much at home on this forum. It's become very important to me. I think we've got a great bunch of people here.

I mean that.

 

[ayase]

From the perspective of a straight guy, the simple reality is that nothing is ever going to happen without there being some sort of deliberate action on my part.

You might be surprised. They're a pretty uncommon breed but women who make the first approach are probably less rare than you think.

I hope I haven't made anyone here feel too uncomfortable with my uncharacteristic directness. I feel very much at home on this forum. It's become very important to me. I think we've got a great bunch of people here.

AUKN is one of the few places I communicate online where I have a pseudonymous identity. The fact I've been here for 9 years now shows how much I value the community here, I normally disappear from most online communities after a year or two (excluding places I'm completely anonymous which I dip in and out of - But obviously I can never get to know anyone and those places are really more for indulging my uh, less family-friendly interests). I genuinely feel more comfortable and able to be myself here than anywhere and I think that comes from the fact we have so many users who are both interesting and largely open books, whether discussing anime or other things.

 

[Rui]

Ditto to the first part. Anything troubling you, Rui? This conversation is a two-way street, after all.

Hehe, thanks. Nothing is especially bothering me at the moment; I'm an old fossil so I've mostly made peace with my own eccentricities and failings, thankfully. Years of worrying about how much I suck have given me a certain perspective

For me, it's like looking into the abyss reading that. I feel like there's a gulf between the things you could get to experience on one side, and the (to be honest) pretty empty feeling you're left with on the other; and it's a terrifyingly fine line between which side you end up on.

In my case I'm quite happy with my own company and see others as a bonus, which puts me in a strong negotiating position. Most people are less jerkish than that and I understand what you mean about feeling as though you're missing out on half of what you want to do if you're on your own.

It's really, really heartening to hear you say that, Rui. I have this picture in my head of a situation where I'd just be able to laugh and say "Can I be honest with you? I'm kinda nervous. "

I don't know if it exists in reality.

It definitely does. And if you feel relaxed enough to just admit how you're feeling to the other person, that's a really good sign

I'm happy that you feel able to talk like this. It's well documented that our society has problems with stifling people who are a bit shy to start with, and that's not good for anyone. Say as much or as little as you like; those who feel comfortable will chip in, and those who don't might stay silent yet privately feel grateful you brought the topic up!

R

 

[Neil.T]

The fact I've been here for 9 years now shows how much I value the community here ... I genuinely feel more comfortable and able to be myself here than anywhere

Well said, ayase. I was briefly a member of a certain Evangelion fan forum, but that didn't feel like much of a "community" at all.

I fully intend to stick around here for as long as y'all will have me.

I think that comes from the fact we have so many users who are both interesting and largely open books, whether discussing anime or other things.

Your recent post on that BBC3 documentary was frankly awesome. It's not often you get to read something like that.

Years of worrying about how much I suck have given me a certain perspective

You do not suck, Rui!

And for someone who claims to lack sensitivity...

I'm not the most sensitive of people to start with!

... you certainly seem to me to have plenty!

In my case I'm quite happy with my own company

I am too, usually. (If there was ever anywhere I'd feel a bit "alone", it'd be in a group.) I'm usually quite content to putter around and do my own thing, but sometimes this stuff just comes back to bite me. I'm starting to get the idea that (as much as I might like to) you can't just turn those parts of your brain off.

Sorry to drag @Demelza's words out of their context like this, but they struck a chord:

I like kisses and cuddling

[in answer to @Vashdaman's post.]

I really like a hug but rarely get to. I'd admit that's something I pine for, so I think that would be one of my favourite things about it.

Say as much or as little as you like; those who feel comfortable will chip in, and those who don't might stay silent yet privately feel grateful you brought the topic up!

Thanks, Rui. That's a nice thought. I know for a fact that if it hadn't been for @Vashdaman's post, I would never have had the courage to ever bring this subject up in the first place.

You made a very real difference to someone else's life, Vash. I know it's not what you're searching for, but I hope it can count for something.

 

[Vashdaman]

Ahh man, these have been the best two pages ever, so many truths and great things were said. I love talking to you lot, I really do. The other day I told a random coffee shop barista that I post on an anime forum and that the people there are so enlightened. She didn't look too impressed and a little incredulous, which is understandable I guess, but if only she knew. I've learnt so much from people here.

@Neil.T thanks! That does mean a lot to me actually! I often worry that I go too far with my verbal diaherrea, and inform people too much about myself. I'm actually a shy guy, but I somehow became ridiculously open. I think that kind of became my way of dealing with shyness, just get everything out there as quickly as possible. And now I've probably gone too far in that direction, I'm sure a slightly more staggered approach to revealing ones quirks would have a higher friendship success rate. But I believe strongly in honesty, mainly because I always hope it might engender the kind of positive reaction you've had. So, awesome!

I've been feeling pretty good recently! Doing plenty of reading and writing and want to play a few games too.

 

[Neil.T]

Ahh man, these have been the best two pages ever, so many truths and great things were said. I love talking to you lot, I really do.

I feel the same way, Vash, and if this has meant a lot to you, then that means a lot to me.


I'm still adjusting to actually being allowed to talk about this stuff. (I mean that in a good way.)

Do you remember that bit in Trigun when Vash is waiting alone outside the spaceship for his brother to re-emerge for literally years, and he sighs and says "I'm so lonely"? That's the closest any media has ever come to capturing my general life experience. I've been waiting so long now for someone to come out of a spaceship and keep me company.

I popped in the last disc of Trigun the other day just to watch this bit again. I feel what you're saying, dude. My version would have to be that bit in The End of Evangelion where Shinji is heading down towards the Eva in a lift. He starts to cry, but the sound won't come out because it's coming from the pit of his stomach. I've cried like that myself this past week.

I often worry that I go too far with my verbal diaherrea ... I think that kind of became my way of dealing with shyness

I know what you mean, buddy. I still feel like my natural tendency is to keep myself to myself, but I had to accept a long time ago that that isn't going to get me anywhere. It's natural to try to overcompensate, but you'll find a balance. It just takes time, and trial and error.

I mean, if even I can get the hang of it, anyone can! I'm the most confident in face-to-face conversation I've ever felt. How you would ever even attempt to move beyond that with someone, though, I have literally no idea. The thought paralyses me. You've already conquered that part, Vash. You're in a much better position than you probably even realise!

I've been feeling pretty good recently! Doing plenty of reading and writing and want to play a few games too.

Glad to hear that, buddy.
There's nothing worse than when your melancholy eats into everything else and stops you enjoying the things you normally do. What games have you got on the go just now?

And:

The other day I told a random coffee shop barista that I post on an anime forum and that the people there are so enlightened. She didn't look too impressed and a little incredulous, which is understandable I guess, but if only she knew.

Indeed. She doesn't know what she's missing out on!


Lastly, in other (random) news, I named a hoover today. The motor on a hoover at my workplace finally packed in. The hoover had been named Charlie, and was like a long-standing member of staff. A workmate was asking for ideas for a name for the replacement. The new model is jet-black in colour, so I suggested KITT, after the car in '80s US TV show Knight Rider.

I think the name might have stuck.

 

[ShipTeaser]

Boom finally got another job after months of doing bugger all.

Money is a bit less than I was on before but it isnt critical damage, can still afford my sweet sweet manga and anime!

This also means my sweet trip to Japan is definitely on as I still have the cash set aside

 

[Neil.T]

Sorry to dredge up my new pet subject again. I still feel guilty for talking about this and just hope people don't start avoiding this thread because of it.

I'm still chewing things over and re-reading these last couple of pages because there's so much to take in. Thank god for @Rui, @ayase and @Vashdaman. I'd have been sunk without their advice.

I feel quite distressed just now, and it's an increasing strain managing to cover it up. Some of the momentum I felt initially has begun to turn back into dread. I guess that's unavoidable. I don't feel like I'm in a position to really be able to do anything with it. For me, trying to make any kind of progress with all of this has always felt like trying to push myself off a cliff. I'm still caught in that limbo.

Apparently, a producer at Gainax once suggested that your classic anime fan is someone who is "eternally 14 years old". I'd certainly admit to that! I feel in some ways that I'm stuck at age 14.

I only really need to spend about 5-10 minutes with someone to know if I'd like to be around them permanently or never see them again
...
Honestly I'd probably be with Vash on the Tinder if I didn't think it (like most online dating sites) looks full of insufferable people. No offence Vash.

I don't know how this is going to come accross, ayase, but have you ever tried something like speed dating? Or does that just attract the wrong kind of crowd again?


Lastly, in other random news, the guy I work with came back after a few days off. "I have an announcement to make," I told him. "Something big happened while you were away." He looked taken aback and slightly apprehensive. "I named a hoover," I said.

He relaxed again after that. It got the laugh I was aiming at.

 

[ayase]

I don't know how this is going to come accross, ayase, but have you ever tried something like speed dating? Or does that just attract the wrong kind of crowd again?

I certainly don't take any offence at the suggestion Neil, it might be something to try at some point but (I think) I have a couple of options worth pursuing before I get to that stage.

Making female friends again for the first time in years, something that's reared its head again is this frustrating feeling that I don't know what people want or expect without them outright telling me. Not to generalise but I've noticed that is a problem I have with a lot of women, not just those I'm romantically interested in. That does happen with the odd male friend as well (who also infuriate me to no end when they act like that) but it seems rarer. I like straightforward people who will just concisely tell me what they want without expecting me to mind read - I'm pretty damn terrible at reading non-verbal signals. I guess the potential upsides of something like Tinder or speed dating is you know the people there are all looking for partners.

 

[ShipTeaser]

I have to stop posting craps while pissed....

 

[ayase]

I can appreciate a good drunkpost.

My life's had it's very low points, though I can't say I've ever gone so far as to try and implement the final solution in Poland. CBT actually did wonders for me because it's evidence and rationality based, essentially a way of conditioning yourself to recognise when you're being irrational and illogical (as depression tends to be) and snap yourself out of it. But I realise it's probably not the method for everybody.

Being happy with and in yourself... Easy to say, harder to do. I'm... content with myself. At present. I can live a decent standard of life and have time to spend doing things I enjoy. But here's the thing - I actually love to love others and I love to be loved, physically and emotionally. Those things probably bring me more happiness than anything else. I find the greatest happiness in life in other people, I don't think anybody who wants to feel happiness through love with a partner is necessarily just looking to fit in and meet society's expectations or looking for a normal life. Hell, I think it would probably make things a lot easier if I was - the fact that I don't have all those normal drives and aspirations normal people have makes me a less attractive prospect to the vast majority of normal women who do want those normal lives.

Who knows, maybe one day I can just be plugged into the matrix and feel all the happiness I want to feel without any of that being dependent on other people's actions and reactions towards me, but I think it's most likely I'll be dead by then (I really need to get around to writing a will that specifies a tombstone paraphrasing the Futurama quote: "This world wasn't good enough for him. Not even close"). I'm feeling old and unattractive already, and when I was younger and more attractive I had those crippling social problems and zero female contact. Funny how these things work out isn't it? Not that I'm laughing, particularly. That's the other thing I need to do after I die, kick the sh*t out of any gods that may or may not exist.

Edit: Well now my best joke no longer makes sense without the context of ShipTeaser's post. However I respect your right to withdraw it and can assure everyone ShipTeaser is not in fact Hitler.

 

[IncendiaryLemon]

Being happy with and in yourself... Easy to say, harder to do. I'm... content with myself. At present. I can live a decent standard of life and have time to spend doing things I enjoy. But here's the thing - I actually love to love others and I love to be loved, physically and emotionally. Those things probably bring me more happiness than anything else. I find the greatest happiness in life in other people, I don't think anybody who wants to feel happiness through love with a partner is necessarily just looking to fit in and meet society's expectations or looking for a normal life.

Kind of feel like this is where I'm at right now. I am happy in the sense that I have a job I'm comfortable with, and even though it's minimum wage, I have little outgoings, so I can spend it on frivolous things like anime and games and new electronics and the like, which do give me a good deal of happiness, however there's just no replacing friendship or love, no matter the amount of material possessions I amass, and it's not something I can buy. I'm an unattractive, antisocial, introverted and socially awkward weeb, and at this point I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to manage to fall in love or to be loved. In my 19 short years of life, I have still yet to even get a brief romance going, which seems abnormal compared to my peers, and I've kinda written myself of as some abnormality, whose going to die cripplingly alone. Even in terms of just friends, I only have one who I see from time to time after everyone else up and left me when they went to Uni, all of which I've had pretty much 0 contact with since they left.

I don't exactly do myself any favours by essentially chaining myself to my house when I'm not at work, but crippling anxiety kind of prevents me from changing my lifestyle, and as I say, I am happy in a sense right now, but I do go through some rough patches of just feeling like total crap. I'd be hesitant to use the word depressed since it comes and goes fleetingly, but it's certainly there.

 

[Rui]

I feel the same way you do about figuring other people out when they don't speak their mind sometimes, Ayase. In my case it's my male friends who are the worst - I seem to have surrounded myself with avoidant fellows who will try everything they can to avoid just coming out and saying when something is on their minds, poor chaps. I'm trying to train them to be more direct. It's hard work, but necessary for my sanity.

However I respect your right to withdraw it and can assure everyone ShipTeaser is not in fact Hitler.

I lost it at this and actually had to check the history for context. Then I lost it again.

R

 

[st_owly (witch)]

@Lemon - I'm sure you're not that unattractive. I didn't really have a proper relationship until I was about your age too, so seriously don't worry about that. I'm introverted as **** too. I hate most people and find them tedious and exhausting. You're obviously a smart guy from the way you articulate your thoughts on here about shows you've watched (I could never write reviews myself, all I can come out with is "I just... (dis)liked it?").

In other news, I failed my driving test today. Got nervous and ****** up a junction and the parallel park.