Relationships and Romance

[Patient-X]

Ouch, sorry to hear!

It's not all bad. My daughter's proof we did something right

 

[serpantino]

Couldn't have put it better

Btw you're not a red panda in real life are you?

That's a secret.... Although apparently I'm a magical girl .

*edited due to crazy mobile formatting stutterness*

 

[sozxloz]

It's not all bad. My daughter's proof we did something right

Very true As horrible as that must've been, I guess everything happens for a reason - some things just aren't meant to be. At least you got your little one out of it, which I'm sure makes it all worthwhile.

 

[HWR]

as for as cheating and poly relationships I'm going to haver to paint it black and white as it's how I feel about it; poly is pretty much cheating, or you may as well say you're single with benefits, you can't prove your loyalty to someone if you're sleeping with pretty much anyone you want, stretch the relationship like that and there's no real commitment to anyone, plus, you've got a lot more people to take sides, which means you'd be putting yourself into way more drama. I've always prized a one to one thing for relationships, you don't stretch yourself thing and you and your partner can clearly see the loyalty. from watching a few things that may have covered a few articles on poly and well, some TV shows, it's often that the woman wants more partners for her bed. guys are kind of simpler than some people think, they will attach to one partner and show their commitment, a poly woman with a man with no extra partners is a relationship that does hurt the guy, he'll only want his partner and his partner wants more, it can put you in a really depressing place once you don't think you're enough. to swing it the other way though, a man will think his partner wants him to themselves, so it is much more likely for a man to just cheat than to ask for an open relationship


IMO it's only ever done out of spite or carelessness. I know you've said it's pretty much over at the first betrayal, but how many chances should you give someone for that? do you just not trust them after that?
I've only got like first dates before that happened myself, and they only got the first chance, my brothers finding out it was happening with long distance partners, they also only gave the first chance

I couldn't trust someone again if they'd cheated on me, some things just aren't deserving of second chances.

 

[IncendiaryLemon]

Monogamy for me. Like @kiraxkuin I very much enjoyed singledom, and I wasn't even in a position to even think about entering into a relationship when I arrived here. Now near 6 months down the line I can't even imagine what life would be like without @Neil.T in it. We're very much taking each day as it comes, but even this morning we we're talking about how much we're looking forward to a future together, and we're at a stage where we can think out loud about things, like owning a cat together and watching anime. I can say without any doubt at this stage that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my days with, there's no one else even in the picture. I'd be totally lost without him now!

Aw, that's super sweet. I hope I can find someone who I can feel like that about at some point. It's kind of hard for me to think of, I've never been one for frequent communication, I guess it's just down to finding the right person!

 

[Deleted member 4555]

Aw, that's super sweet. I hope I can find someone who I can feel like that about at some point. It's kind of hard for me to think of, I've never been one for frequent communication, I guess it's just down to finding the right person!

You're a totally sweet guy @IncendiaryLemon. You made me feel welcome here and I can definitely approach you with any issues. Someone will see that someday, and if they don't, I will hunt them down and throw boiled sweets at them!

Honestly though, don't lose hope. It can be down to just being in the right place at the right time (there's a bunch of anime forums out there but only this one had a cool Lemon on it ), but you're still young. When I was your age, I was totally shy and suffered terribly with anxiety. Honestly? I wish I could have communicated half as well as you do back then! You're always so articulate in how you put yourself across and you explain things really well - I always like to read what you post, even if I can't contribute (I'm such an anime noob!) There's plenty of time for you to still grow in confidence as a person; heck, even I'm still growing in that respect. I feel heaps better than I did only 3 or so years ago, but only because I put the graft in. Just take your time, and try to be as positive about things as you can I wish I could have told myself that back then because being negative and pessimistic about stuff got me nowhere! I know what you mean though, I've been there- my shyness would prevent me from really being able to talk properly to people, and engage in proper conversation. It's only in the past 5 or so years I've overcome that to a degree where I feel more competent in how I engage with others.

Short answer: you're a cool guy in my books Lemon, in fact, both Neil and myself think so (you do come up in conversation occasionally). Things will happen in their own sweet time

 

[IncendiaryLemon]

You're a totally sweet guy @IncendiaryLemon. You made me feel welcome here and I can definitely approach you with any issues. Someone will see that someday, and if they don't, I will hunt them down and throw boiled sweets at them!

Honestly though, don't lose hope. It can be down to just being in the right place at the right time (there's a bunch of anime forums out there but only this one had a cool Lemon on it ), but you're still young. When I was your age, I was totally shy and suffered terribly with anxiety. Honestly? I wish I could have communicated half as well as you do back then! You're always so articulate in how you put yourself across and you explain things really well - I always like to read what you post, even if I can't contribute (I'm such an anime noob!) There's plenty of time for you to still grow in confidence as a person; heck, even I'm still growing in that respect. I feel heaps better than I did only 3 or so years ago, but only because I put the graft in. Just take your time, and try to be as positive about things as you can I wish I could have told myself that back then because being negative and pessimistic about stuff got me nowhere! I know what you mean though, I've been there- my shyness would prevent me from really being able to talk properly to people, and engage in proper conversation. It's only in the past 5 or so years I've overcome that to a degree where I feel more competent in how I engage with others.

Short answer: you're a cool guy in my books Lemon, in fact, both Neil and myself think so (you do come up in conversation occasionally). Things will happen in their own sweet time

I appreciate the kind words Aya

Whilst I may appear articulate in an internet based setting, it couldn't be further from the truth when it comes to real life conversations. When I'm writing something out here, I have time to think about what I'm jotting down, to re-read posts, correct mistakes and the like, but in real life, I'm always flubbing my words, stumbling in my sentences, or phrasing things poorly, generally just not being good at the whole social interaction thing! I do suffer with some pretty bad anxiety in social situations, which also doesn't help things at all. Much like you were, I do also find myself in a position of internalised pessimism and general self loathing, so that's also going against me. It's quite hard to change a mindset once you're stuck in it for long enough, and it has certainly been a real long time. I'd be tempted to say I have mild depression, but without actual medical diagnosis, I'm not sure I'd call it a certainty. It's certainly tough, but I hope I can persevere eventually. Anyway, as you say, I'm still young, there's still plenty of time for change, hopefully it comes sooner rather than later.

 

[Captaaainuniverse]

I appreciate the kind words Aya

Whilst I may appear articulate in an internet based setting, it couldn't be further from the truth when it comes to real life conversations. When I'm writing something out here, I have time to think about what I'm jotting down, to re-read posts, correct mistakes and the like, but in real life, I'm always flubbing my words, stumbling in my sentences, or phrasing things poorly, generally just not being good at the whole social interaction thing! I do suffer with some pretty bad anxiety in social situations, which also doesn't help things at all. Much like you were, I do also find myself in a position of internalised pessimism and general self loathing, so that's also going against me. It's quite hard to change a mindset once you're stuck in it for long enough, and it has certainly been a real long time. I'd be tempted to say I have mild depression, but without actual medical diagnosis, I'm not sure I'd call it a certainty. It's certainly tough, but I hope I can persevere eventually. Anyway, as you say, I'm still young, there's still plenty of time for change, hopefully it comes sooner rather than later.

I kind of get this myself, but I tend to be quiet normally. I wouldn't say "persevere" myself, I would say try and use more effort towards confidence, try and create those moments that fill you with confidence, don't let yourself feel that you've given up. I don't think people need to change, well some people don't, it's more about how people are able to perceive you.
I say that and there's been no romance in my life for years, I still think it's right though, it's all about getting to know someone really

 

[Deleted member 4555]

I appreciate the kind words Aya

Whilst I may appear articulate in an internet based setting, it couldn't be further from the truth when it comes to real life conversations. When I'm writing something out here, I have time to think about what I'm jotting down, to re-read posts, correct mistakes and the like, but in real life, I'm always flubbing my words, stumbling in my sentences, or phrasing things poorly, generally just not being good at the whole social interaction thing! I do suffer with some pretty bad anxiety in social situations, which also doesn't help things at all. Much like you were, I do also find myself in a position of internalised pessimism and general self loathing, so that's also going against me. It's quite hard to change a mindset once you're stuck in it for long enough, and it has certainly been a real long time. I'd be tempted to say I have mild depression, but without actual medical diagnosis, I'm not sure I'd call it a certainty. It's certainly tough, but I hope I can persevere eventually. Anyway, as you say, I'm still young, there's still plenty of time for change, hopefully it comes sooner rather than later.

There is always time for change dude, never write yourself off for anything It's not easy, but anyone is capable of changing their attitude and mindset if they put their mind to it. Even in the early days when Neil and I got chatting on here, you wouldn't believe how much nagging I went through to just at least try to get him to think about working a way out of some long ingrained thought processes and habits (@Neil.T will back me up on this one). I told him the exact same - about how he seemed so genuine and honest from his way of messaging, and that he seemed like a secure and confident individual from how he introduced himself to me in his initial messages here. We back and forthed long and hard on the subject of personal life experiences with regards to confidence in dealing with people, and even my experiences with relationships, and he was very much hung up on the idea that he had to seek approval from others; that he had to be a favourite in someone's eyes. He would overthink so much about stuff, and I could tell it was getting him nowhere. I mean, I was determined to make him see sense and reason (because I don't give up on people when they're special), and despite even then seeing him as a well-rounded person (who more than likely covered his insecurities all too well), you would not BELIEVE the turn around in him over the near 6 months I've known him! I may have given him the impotus (or nagging, however you spin it), but he put the graft in to change his mindset, and he's so much happier and confident now for it too

I've managed it myself too - it's been a long road, and it's been b****y difficult, but I honestly wouldn't go back to how I was. I stand by what I said: you're still young, there's plenty of time for you to discover yourself and grow as a person. Some of us bloom later than others (myself included), but it's better late than never Personally, I don't think we ever stop growing really; I'm always looking to learn anything new from others' life experiences - @Patient-X is a font of knowledge in that regard!

There's no rush for anything to happen, and I remember when I wanted to do something about my negative attitude, I decided to just start small. I didn't want to put too much on my plate; I just wanted to do something achieveable but that made me feel positive, so I decided to buy something from a store and just make eye contact with the cashier, and say "hello" (something I wouldn't normally have done, ever). It was something so simple that many folk take for granted, but, I did it, and it felt amazing! And you just build on it from one small act, until eventually, you look back at the progress you've made. Just, little by little each day I was eroding all the negativity I'd harboured and honestly? I feel lighter for it!

Take baby steps, and appreciate every small step in progress

 

[Patient-X]

I'm always looking to learn anything new from others' life experiences - @Patient-X is a font of knowledge in that regard!

 

[Deleted member 4555]

There's nothing wrong with a little window shopping from afar, just as long as you're not touching the goods

See I just couldn't even do that, it's just...it's just not in my nature! Maybe it's partly my age (and maybe I'm unfairly using the broadbrush to paint all "yoof" as lusty-minded folk), but, I also just feel that looking with any sort of desire and intent at the opposite sex is disrespectful to your partner. I'm not saying we shouldn't appreciate it when we see something we like; heck, it's human nature to respond in a positive manner when something catches your eye, but there's appreciating aesthetics (i.e, just appreciating if someone is pretty/good looking/has nice eyes etc, which I can do because heck, that's just a nice thing to do and it shows security in yourself when you can compliment others), but then there's looking in a way that might suggest that you "want a bit of that", and that for me is a no-go!

When you take it a step further and openly flirt with someone else as well, that for me just...I couldn't do it! I mean, I'll talk to anyone - men, women, it's part of my open and friendly nature to just...want to engage with people, and @Neil.T is the same; he engages really well and he always tells me stories of people he's encountered at work. In fact, one of the things I love about him is how open and friendly he is with others, and the fact that he does actually interact with other people (my last ex was just too clingy and wouldn't go out and make friends). I'm aware I'm digressing a wee bit here, but the point is, neither of us are posessive people; we both know that we have eyes and hearts only for each other, but we have enough security in ourselves and trust in each other to know that we are allowed to interact with other people in a friendly and positive manner, be they men or women, and know that there's nothing beyond friendliness.

I've read before in some trashy articles on the interwebs (ones that are directed at women) that, "oh, it's healthy to flirt with other men, it's good to make your man jealous on occasion" because "it makes him want you more" - never have I read such utter drivel! If there's security in the relationship, you won't need to make him want you more; if he loves you enough he'll do that on his own! Maybe it depends on the kind of relationship dynamic you have at the end of the day, and maybe some couples are okay with the idea of "openly flirting" with others, but it's not for me I'm afraid! We all have our methods of keeping the flame burning with passion but personally I'd rather just remind Neil everyday how much I love him and how much I appreciate him being in my life. It's about not taking the other for granted and not resting on your laurels.

Okay I digressed a lot there!

Good discussion point though @kiraxkuin

 

[Adam-M]

it's human nature to respond in a positive manner when something catches your eye, but there's appreciating aesthetics (i.e, just appreciating if someone is pretty/good looking/has nice eyes etc, which I can do because heck, that's just a nice thing to do and it shows security in yourself when you can compliment others), but then there's looking in a way that might suggest that you "want a bit of that", and that for me is a no-go!

I think for me I'd be a bit concerned if you didn't want a bit of someone famous. There's nothing wrong with having a celebrity crush kind of thing. If we were going out and you felt like you weren't allowed to fancy some actor or something then I'd think I was constraining you too much.
It's quite healthy to be physically attracted to someone else (for whatever reason) but if your partner agrees and does the same then it shows security with each other that you can do that and not have it affect you. Also there's an Eva joke in there somewhere but I'll give that a miss.

 

[Deleted member 4555]

It's quite healthy to be physically attracted to someone else (for whatever reason) but if your partner agrees and does the same then it shows security with each other that you can do that and not have it affect you.

As I said, it's human nature to be physically drawn to something you find attractive, of course. But we also have brains and common decency, as well as self-respect and respect for our partners. I'm all for pointing out if someone has lovely eyes, or a great smile, or is just great looking in general, I love giving compliments, but...that's it. Again, I'd certainly not want to feel like I'm putting any words into @Neil.T mouth with my previous post, but I'm confident that he would agree with me.

 

[Phobos]

I’m the same, nothing wrong with admiring beauty, whatever it is you find beautiful as beauty is so subjective, but it’s best to keep it there. I’ll pdobably give an example to show what I mean a bit clearer, let’s say you’re having a meal somewhere and you find a persons smile/voice etc. beautiful commenting on it is fine then just turn your attention back to your partner, after all they’re meant to be more important. Sitting there and staring is a no go for me, that’s a bit too far. Anything more than that is also clearly too much for my tastes.

It’s not so much that I’m so insecure I believe a stranger can get between my partner and I but more of a respect kind of issue, if you’re willing to get that distracted, even if you don’t plan on taking it further, then you’re just not paying your partner enough attention and giving them enough respect. Ultimately if you want to be with them show them through actions, ie not getting distracted from them just because you like a voice/eyes/whatever.

 

[Deleted member 4555]

I’m the same, nothing wrong with admiring beauty, whatever it is you find beautiful as beauty is so subjective, but it’s best to keep it there. I’ll pdobably give an example to show what I mean a bit clearer, let’s say you’re having a meal somewhere and you find a persons smile/voice etc. beautiful commenting on it is fine then just turn your attention back to your partner, after all they’re meant to be more important. Sitting there and staring is a no go for me, that’s a bit too far. Anything more than that is also clearly too much for my tastes.

It’s not so much that I’m so insecure I believe a stranger can get between my partner and I but more of a respect kind of issue, if you’re willing to get that distracted, even if you don’t plan on taking it further, then you’re just not paying your partner enough attention and giving them enough respect. Ultimately if you want to be with them show them through actions, ie not getting distracted from them just because you like a voice/eyes/whatever.

That's basically what I was getting at - nothing to do with insecurities, it's just that I have too much respect for myself and my partner. When you love someone that much anyway, you shouldn't even want to look at anybody else and "want a bit of that". My mind can't even begin to comprehend that!

 

[Adam-M]

That's basically what I was getting at - nothing to do with insecurities, it's just that I have too much respect for myself and my partner. When you love someone that much anyway, you shouldn't even want to look at anybody else and "want a bit of that". My mind can't even begin to comprehend that!

I'm not talking about someone sat on the next table or walking down the street. I mean more like a famous person who isn't by any means obtainable.

 

[Deleted member 4555]

I'm not talking about someone sat on the next table or walking down the street. I mean more like a famous person who isn't by any means obtainable.

Yeah I know

Personally, it's the same principle: I can admire looks but I couldn't care less about "wanting a bit" of them, even if it's purely fantasy. I can count on one hand the amount of "crushes" I've had on famous men over the years, but it's never extended to fantasising about wanting to sleep with them! I don't know or care enough about celebrities anyway (because I don't watch much T.V), but, I just don't actually want to fantasise about sleeping with them, because, well, I'm just not attracted to them! Again, it's just incomprehensible to me personally.

 

[Phobos]

Yeah I know

Personally, it's the same principle: I can admire looks but I couldn't care less about "wanting a bit" of them, even if it's purely fantasy. I can count on one hand the amount of "crushes" I've had on famous men over the years, but it's never extended to fantasising about wanting to sleep with them! I don't know or care enough about celebrities anyway (because I don't watch much T.V), but, I just don't actually want to fantasise about sleeping with them, because, well, I'm just not attracted to them! Again, it's just incomprehensible to me personally.

It seems on this one we are similar, I’m glad it’s not just me that feels that way.

 

[Deleted member 4555]

It seems on this one we are similar, I’m glad it’s not just me that feels that way.

Just...doesn't interest me really, it's that simple. Why would I fantasise about being with a celebrity when there's someone tangible in front of me, who I have the upmost respect and love for? I get that it might be what some people enjoy, but it's certainly not for me! Different relationship dynamics and different personalities I suppose!

 

[Patient-X]

Just...doesn't interest me really, it's that simple. Why would I fantasise about being with a celebrity when there's someone tangible in front of me, who I have the upmost respect and love for? I get that it might be what some people enjoy, but it's certainly not for me! Different relationship dynamics and different personalities I suppose!

This is all well and good, but if that celebrity was Lorraine Kelly.....well....