Phobos
Titan
Articulated better than I did but yeah, that’s the gist of what I was getting at. A breech of trust is probably one of the hardest things a relationship can recover from.
Relationships and Romance
- Thread starter VivisQueen
- Start date
-Danielle-
Death Scythe
My ex never communicated properly at all. He'd never look at himself in arguments and always deflect to me and what my issues are and why I'm wrong and to blame. We never got anywhere, it would always go in circles. It was so tiring and would wear me out. He acted like he was never wrong and if my actions or words, made no logical sense to him, I was wrong. He didn't care to compute that it doesn't need to make logical sense as it's how I feel.
So yes, communication is a must. So is asking the cringey awkward questions if it puts your mind at peace getting an answer from them instead of your mind decking you up making it's own conclusions. My mind LOVES to do that so I'm not afraid of honesty or asking cringey stuff if it calms my demons.
If somethings done that affects trust though, even with a lot of communication, the seeds already been planted and rooted. Can you survive, maybe. I haven't had a situation that has though as I've acted different ever since and that's subconsciously, never with intention. Guess my heart just closes a door.
So yes, communication is a must. So is asking the cringey awkward questions if it puts your mind at peace getting an answer from them instead of your mind decking you up making it's own conclusions. My mind LOVES to do that so I'm not afraid of honesty or asking cringey stuff if it calms my demons.
If somethings done that affects trust though, even with a lot of communication, the seeds already been planted and rooted. Can you survive, maybe. I haven't had a situation that has though as I've acted different ever since and that's subconsciously, never with intention. Guess my heart just closes a door.
D
Deleted member 4555
Guest
Difficult, but definitely possible. It's all down to effort on both sides - a willingness to forgive and forget, and to improve habits and behaviour. For some, their reputation can preceded them and then it's just down to how much of a mug the other person is willing to be taken for.
I'm no saint as a person, but I'd never, ever feel compelled to resort to cheating, it's... unthinkable! For me, it's just people not communicating again, which leads to resentment, which in turn leads to things like affairs. It's childish, really.
Last edited by a moderator:
Phobos
Titan
As far as cheating goes, I don’t think I’d do it. From what I’ve seen there’s generally an underlying reason for cheating, either someone is too immature (in my opinion) to be in a relationship and just goes with whoever whenever or there’s a problem in a relationship that isn’t getting fixed.
Whilst on the topic of cheating how do people view “open” relationships? Personally I just see them as a way to cheat with permission. They’re definitely not for me.
Whilst on the topic of cheating how do people view “open” relationships? Personally I just see them as a way to cheat with permission. They’re definitely not for me.
I'm personally completely monogamous, but I have quite a few friends who are in happy, healthy, and loving poly or open relationships. Like all things, it comes down to the preferences and tastes of the people involved – if there is proper consent, communication, and trust between all parties involved, there's no harm in it at all. Calling it "cheating with permission" is inaccurate because it suggests there's still a lack of trust, in my opinion – it's not cheating, it's just a more permissive relationship, agreed to in advance by all parties.
It's certainly not for everyone – as mentioned, it's not for me at all – but there's no inherent harm in it.
Personally, open relationships aren't for me. While I did very much enjoy being single, if I care enough about someone to be in a relationship, then I'm all in. If the other person in question doesn't think that I'm enough and would like to see other people, then they don't deserve a second of my time.
I get that it works for some, but it's not my cup of coffee.
I get that it works for some, but it's not my cup of coffee.
With cheating if it happened that'd be the end of a relationship for me, I'm not one for setting loads of rules but there are two things I wouldn't tolerate at all (Cheating and lying.) I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, mainly because I have more self respect than that.
It's a spiteful and pointless thing to do, and surely it's better to be honest and breakup with someone you no longer love as opposed to sleeping behind their backs and causing more damage in the process.
As for open relationships I couldn't go for that either. To me a relationship is one of the biggest challenge I'll have to face in my lifetime, because I can't just apply my cold logic to it, I have to rely on my emotional side, which is all but broken and muted.
The idea of working so hard to genuinely find happiness with someone only to have said person love another man/woman in the same relationship would just leave me feeling isolated and inferior to the other parties, even if it was handled maturely, since that's just how my mind would react. I wouldn't be able to cope at all.
If it works for others though then Fair play it's nice to see that those who'd prefer that kind of relationship can do so with likeminded individuals.
Very interesting topics though Cult Lewder!
It's a spiteful and pointless thing to do, and surely it's better to be honest and breakup with someone you no longer love as opposed to sleeping behind their backs and causing more damage in the process.
As for open relationships I couldn't go for that either. To me a relationship is one of the biggest challenge I'll have to face in my lifetime, because I can't just apply my cold logic to it, I have to rely on my emotional side, which is all but broken and muted.
The idea of working so hard to genuinely find happiness with someone only to have said person love another man/woman in the same relationship would just leave me feeling isolated and inferior to the other parties, even if it was handled maturely, since that's just how my mind would react. I wouldn't be able to cope at all.
If it works for others though then Fair play it's nice to see that those who'd prefer that kind of relationship can do so with likeminded individuals.
Very interesting topics though Cult Lewder!
Phobos
Titan
I can understand your viewpoint but I still can’t help as viewing it as consensual cheating, even if you view it as inaccurate simply because for me it would cause too many trust issues. In a situation like that it’d cause too many demons to rear their heads both in my viewpoint of myself and my partner.I'm personally completely monogamous, but I have quite a few friends who are in happy, healthy, and loving poly or open relationships. Like all things, it comes down to the preferences and tastes of the people involved – if there is proper consent, communication, and trust between all parties involved, there's no harm in it at all. Calling it "cheating with permission" is inaccurate because it suggests there's still a lack of trust, in my opinion – it's not cheating, it's just a more permissive relationship, agreed to in advance by all parties.
It's certainly not for everyone – as mentioned, it's not for me at all – but there's no inherent harm in it.
Ultimately if something works for folks I won’t knock them for doing it but it’s certainly not something I’d consider.
Looks like we have similar views for the most part.
Well, I'm exactly the same, hence why I'm monogamous and wouldn't enter into an open or poly relationship. But I know plenty of people who prefer that sort of arrangement, and they're certainly not cheating at all. That's the only bit I take issue with – the idea that an open relationship still involves cheating.
D
Deleted member 4555
Guest
Monogamy for me. Like @kiraxkuin I very much enjoyed singledom, and I wasn't even in a position to even think about entering into a relationship when I arrived here. Now near 6 months down the line I can't even imagine what life would be like without @Neil.T in it. We're very much taking each day as it comes, but even this morning we we're talking about how much we're looking forward to a future together, and we're at a stage where we can think out loud about things, like owning a cat together and watching anime. I can say without any doubt at this stage that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my days with, there's no one else even in the picture. I'd be totally lost without him now!
Sorry I know I digressed a bit there. Respect though to anyone into polygamy - as @Teapot mentioned so long as all parties involved are communicating with one another and know what to expect, then go for it - it's none of my business!
Sorry I know I digressed a bit there. Respect though to anyone into polygamy - as @Teapot mentioned so long as all parties involved are communicating with one another and know what to expect, then go for it - it's none of my business!
Phobos
Titan
I wasn’t trying to suggest otherwise, nor am I deliberately trying to be disrespectful it’s simply that for me to be in a relationship I have to have the commitment both from myself and partner to understand it’s just us, to feel romantically with another or lie with them is for me ultimately well, cheating. I get different folks want different things but I can’t help but see it as cheating with consent because for me it goes totally against what I’d want from a relationship. It also possibly doesn’t help my viewpoint for my only exposure to such a relationship to ultimately one person wanting it to be just two and going along with the other because they wanted something different. If I could witness such a relationship actually working it probably would alter my viewpoint somewhat.
Captaaainuniverse
Time-Traveller
as for as cheating and poly relationships I'm going to haver to paint it black and white as it's how I feel about it; poly is pretty much cheating, or you may as well say you're single with benefits, you can't prove your loyalty to someone if you're sleeping with pretty much anyone you want, stretch the relationship like that and there's no real commitment to anyone, plus, you've got a lot more people to take sides, which means you'd be putting yourself into way more drama. I've always prized a one to one thing for relationships, you don't stretch yourself thing and you and your partner can clearly see the loyalty. from watching a few things that may have covered a few articles on poly and well, some TV shows, it's often that the woman wants more partners for her bed. guys are kind of simpler than some people think, they will attach to one partner and show their commitment, a poly woman with a man with no extra partners is a relationship that does hurt the guy, he'll only want his partner and his partner wants more, it can put you in a really depressing place once you don't think you're enough. to swing it the other way though, a man will think his partner wants him to themselves, so it is much more likely for a man to just cheat than to ask for an open relationship
IMO it's only ever done out of spite or carelessness. I know you've said it's pretty much over at the first betrayal, but how many chances should you give someone for that? do you just not trust them after that?
I've only got like first dates before that happened myself, and they only got the first chance, my brothers finding out it was happening with long distance partners, they also only gave the first chance
Luke
Student Council President
Yeah, I;m the same here
Though some friends and myself use to always joke about one of our friends getting a few fathers day cards one of these years lol
-Danielle-
Death Scythe
Being poly isn't for me. I wouldn't feel like I was good enough and worry that the "others" are liked better than me etc.
One of my very best friends lives the lifestyle though.
And if I ever wanted to sleep with someone whilst in a relationship, I'd end the relationship as means I wasn't invested in it anymore. It's ok having a perve and that, it's in a mans nature to admire lol. Same with some women I guess lol. I'll have a good perve if my fella (when i have one lol) does.
One of my very best friends lives the lifestyle though.
And if I ever wanted to sleep with someone whilst in a relationship, I'd end the relationship as means I wasn't invested in it anymore. It's ok having a perve and that, it's in a mans nature to admire lol. Same with some women I guess lol. I'll have a good perve if my fella (when i have one lol) does.
There's nothing wrong with a little window shopping from afar, just as long as you're not touching the goods
Patient-X
Railgun
Tell that to my ex wife. Window shopping wasn't enough for her, she wanted to go in the store and try stuff onThere's nothing wrong with a little window shopping from afar, just as long as you're not touching the goods
Tell that to my ex wife. Window shopping wasn't enough for her, she wanted to go in the store and try stuff on
Ouch, sorry to hear!
Captaaainuniverse
Time-Traveller
I know what you mean, but this just gives me the image of you just being a perv with a guy lol, like he does want to sleep with you but you're far too busy perving at him with some yandere eyes or something. we've all heard about a female partner's taste in celebrities, as long as it isn't pursuing like cheating, there's nowt wrong with it