Relationships and Romance

When I was younger I'd have issue with my bf at the time perving. Eventually I mellowed as there's like ZERO feelings behind a quick perve. It's when an attachment is made towards someone that isn't your partner it's a problem as there's a specific recurring person, it's not a passing moment in time like a general perve is. Having a glance at a passerby, a stranger, it's admiring something physically appealing. It's built into us all. I'm pretty casual on perving now because I've been the suffocator over that and the suffocated for it as it's controlling tbh.

I perve on guys and girls. From anything like their legs, their hair, their clothes, their face. On celebrities and that it's their face and body for sure :p

I'm 30 and all these s*xual orientations confuse me though lol.
 
I think it's important to remember that people's brains are balanced differently between their sexual and emotional needs & desires.
You might be all over each other constantly at first but that does subside after a year or so when the initial reinforcement chemicals that twist your brain into a loved up emotional mess early on begin to die down and you suddenly find yourself feeling different and looking at your partner differently. In my opinion it's only after that happens that a relationship really begins and you find out if you really do love someone beyond that physical desire.

I've discussed the whole looking at other people etc at length with my partner and I think it's good that we are comfortable enough with each other to point out when someone is attractive and then feign a bit of wounded pride, it's a bonding exercise as much as anything in the vein of: "That guy/girl is hot........ but I'd still rather be with you." A little jealousy helps keeps bonds strong in my experience as it brings you closer as well so it's not just a negative emotion.
 
Totally agree with you that if you can perve and comment on such to/in the presence of your partner, its actually demonstrates a comfortable relationship.

I also agree somewhat over jealousy. A pinch of it shows you care enough about who you're with. If you can't hack a perve comment though, that's the bad unhealthy side of jealousy coming out.

I know as I faced that in my early 20's where even talking to the opposite sex or having ones as fb friends brought out a demon side of who I was with and that was me being emotionally abused in a nutshell.

You should never let your own insecurities, become weight on the person you're with. If you don't feel secure with them and with who they are, what they do, it's not the right setup/person for you.

Why if I'm with someone now and feel bad in myself and worried about them in any form, I'm out of there now. It's not healthy.
 
serpantino said:
I think it's important to remember that people's brains are balanced differently between their sexual and emotional needs & desires.
You might be all over each other constantly at first but that does subside after a year or so when the initial reinforcement chemicals that twist your brain into a loved up emotional mess early on begin to die down and you suddenly find yourself feeling different and looking at your partner differently. In my opinion it's only after that happens that a relationship really begins and you find out if you really do love someone beyond that physical desire.

I've discussed the whole looking at other people etc at length with my partner and I think it's good that we are comfortable enough with each other to point out when someone is attractive and then feign a bit of wounded pride, it's a bonding exercise as much as anything in the vein of: "That guy/girl is hot........ but I'd still rather be with you." A little jealousy helps keeps bonds strong in my experience as it brings you closer as well so it's not just a negative emotion.
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I think again it comes down to each individual, and what kind of dynamic you both have as a couple. Everyone is different, and some are okay openly flirting with others. Fair enough, whatever floats your boat and all that; it'd be a boring world if we were all the same! Personally I just think there are other things you can do as couples that strengthen your bond. I'm all for keeping my partner on his toes, don't get me wrong - I'd be devastated if I lost Neil now, and he knows that, but he also knows that I never needed to be in a relationship, I chose to be, and I chose to be in one with him. He's earned my trust and respect (and love) by being patient, and by being himself, despite my initial resistence to really commit to a relationship (and denial of feelings). Personally, I'm not going to keep him sharp by deliberately making him jealous! I'm not for settling into a rut. In my opinion you work to maintain a strong and loving relationship, and refrain from resting on your laurels. Maybe I'm just old skool.

EDIT: Just got in! What a day!

I should also add that I get what you're saying Red Panda @serpantino about how you might "see your partner differently when the chemical rush has subsided". I'm certainly not so naive as to think that the "honeymoon period" stays forever (I've done this 4 times previously), but I'll reinforce what I've said: I do believe it's possible to sustain a loving and devoted partnership where you do appreciate them being by your side each and everyday, and where you're not afraid of showing that. I don't necessarily mean that you have to be overly sentimental about anything; I'm certainly not that way inclined, but I'm not above showing my partner how much he means to me, in my way (@Neil.T knows the teasing is done with love). The thing is as well, it's important for me to have a strong friendship dynamic, even in a relationship, so anything overly romantic and "lovely dovey" won't work out for me anyway. The solid foundation of a trusted friendship needs to be there for me for anything else to flourish and feel natural (God I hope this makes sense to Neil as well; usually he can decipher my gobbledygook!).

Neil and I are still getting to know one another too; it's only been nearly 6 months, and we've expressed a desire to continue getting to know one another, for as long as we're together. You never really stop learning about each other really - you think you've got it all figured out one minute and the next, things take you by surprise!

In short, what Neil and I have just...works, and it might not make sense to anyone else, but, well, that doesn't matter!
 
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quote mining someone a bit again but here it goes -.-
-Danielle- said:
I'm 30 and all these s*xual orientations confuse me though lol.
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I'm kind of the same, as @Adam-M pointed out, I don't get what pansexual really is either, I think I have heard before that they just see what happens whether they are with men or women, but that's just bisexual without a romantic attachment, to me, no one really has a good description to agree on with pansexual, so I can't say I know what it is. funnily one of the things I'd want to write has a race of androids, and the people attracted to them would be "cybersexual" but it's treated like homo in the 80's often rejected or looked down upon in society, but two of the main characters would have that relationship... eventually. just another really confusing log on that fire I imagine
-Danielle- said:
Why if I'm with someone now and feel bad in myself and worried about them in any form, I'm out of there now. It's not healthy.
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If I got into a relationship now at least early into it I imagine I would be a bit clingy, not so much pervin' on others is a sin clingy but practically attached sort of thing, after so long I wouldn't want any chance of something good going, but if I thought I liked someone and there was something there I may be overbearing for their attention, which could ruin my chances, something could happen if I realise how I'd act and try to stop that though.
only way to be sure is to find someone I'm into, but I've forgotten what to look for really, I guess I'd know when I see it
 
Pansexuality is one of the simpler ones to understand, I thought. Bisexual people are attracted to both men and women but not necessarily to people of more complex identities such as intersex people, genderqueer people and trans men/women; they might specifically be attracted to conventionally masculine and feminine traits. Pansexual people are attracted to quite literally anyone irrespective of their gender identity or physical configuration. There's obviously overlap and plenty of bisexual people who don't give a hoot about what sex someone was assigned at birth, but if you want to overtly say that your partner's gender/sex identity doesn't matter to you and acknowledge people who don't fall into simple categories then pansexual is the broader term. Neither term has anything to do with romanticism!

So anyway, I'm going to lower the tone a little because I can't believe this current debate has gone on this long with only mention of real life attractive people and celebrities. How do people feel about their partners crushing on anime characters? :x

R
 
Can’t say it effects me as my partner has no interest within anime. I guess the same old would apply, no issues with finding specific things attractive but focus too much on the character and I’d probably take some issue with it, as I would if they were real. Guess I wouldn’t differentiate between fiction/reality.
 
@Rui I thought it would be funny to show my partner one of the less horrific hentai I still own which was hard because I don't own many conventional guy meets girl ones as I've never really found them arousing.

She has seen some minor nudity in anime before and gore etc but she was really shocked and it broke the innocence of anime for her lol.

I guess that means I won't be watching urotsukidoji with her.

Edit: I don't find the tentacle stuff etc arousing either o_O but when I was younger I really liked collecting offensive anime/films that were banned or controversial for some reason.
 
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Rui said:
Pansexual people are attracted to quite literally anyone irrespective of their gender identity or physical configuration
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sorry for saying the other stuff around it sounds like fluff but with this sentence not much more really needs to be said. it's quite simple and straight, though I think I have heard of the physical thing before, more about looks than what you may have suggested though, but yea some of the different sexuality stuff isn't tied that closely to say, a romantic partner, it does weigh more on preference
Rui said:
How do people feel about their partners crushing on anime characters?
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I would say some people do see an attraction to a made up character as sad or creepy, I guess I'm one of those sad creeps though. of course it's often female characters, I do like the "character" that goes into them, the work put into making them and there are some real nose - bleeders out there, it can be quite shocking how some people present their characters, there are some less "shocking" but still quite "sexy" designs out there too, and well -.- my brother always makes a joke about me being into some anime characters.
as for a partner, I've said many times I've not been that deep, so I don't know how I'd feel myself, but something tells me if I do get a partner from a community like this I wouldn't have to wait long to know
 
@Rui Neither myself or Neil have any attraction towards anime characters; we're just...not that way inclined! We can enjoy characters for who they are and what they might represent, but there's no romantic attraction to them at all. Like, Neil knows how much I enjoy Kaworu Nagisa and Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, but I appreciate their design from an artistic standpoint. I'm interested in Kaworu's character just because for me, he's so mysterious, and he's the only character who's really nice to Shinji in all of the apocalyptic nonesense that's unfolding, but I'm not attracted to him romantically or anything. I know Neil enjoys the character Simon from Gurren Lagann, because he can relate to him on a personal level.

On that note I'd say I generally gel more with female characters in animation; probably because I'm female myself - I think it's because I can empathise and get on board with who they are as characters, especially if they're strong and willful characters that reflect my own values. The one things that does grind my gears a bit though is the over-sexualisation of young girls in anime. Even when I can appreciate the design of the character as an artist sometimes you can't help but notice how barely there some of the clothing is or how developed certain body-parts are when you consider they're only meant to be young! Sorry, I'm digressing again as I'm sure that's a different topic entirely!

I guess Neil and I are just too pragmatic for all of this kind of stuff really, we really just...don't feel it! 😄 😅 😆
 
I just don't understand how someone could have an attraction to a cartoon character. The one possible exception would be Jessica Rabbit 😀
 
Patient-X said:
I just don't understand how someone could have an attraction to a cartoon character. The one possible exception would be Jessica Rabbit 😀
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Different strokes for different folks there, can’t explain it myself as I haven’t crushed on many people over the years and I can’t say any of them have been anime characters!
 
Patient-X said:
I just don't understand how someone could have an attraction to a cartoon character. The one possible exception would be Jessica Rabbit 😀
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I was just talking to Neil on the phone actually, and I briefly mentioned Furries to him. Basically a community where it's not uncommon to find people who are romantically/sexually attracted to anthropomorphic animal characters. I mean, no disrespect (I have spoken to people from the community in the past who have been really decent and cool as well), but it's certainly something I can't understand myself.
 
IncendiaryLemon said:
It's certainly tough, but I hope I can persevere eventually. Anyway, as you say, I'm still young, there's still plenty of time for change, hopefully it comes sooner rather than later
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I haven't been joining in with this thread much lately, mostly because I've just ended up talking with Aya about it, but I need to chime in with this.


@IncendiaryLemon: You have indeed come up in conversation a few times, dude, and Aya and I are rooting for you all the way.

All I can probably really offer is that you likely read some of my posts in the General Conversation Area last year. I felt I was in frankly a hopeless situation, and yet only one year down the line the situation has changed entirely.

A friend of mine told me last year: when it's with the right person, things will just happen. At the time, I had simply no belief in that. Turns out, though, that it's true!

IncendiaryLemon said:
When I'm writing something out here, I have time to think about what I'm jotting down, to re-read posts, correct mistakes and the like, but in real life, I'm always flubbing my words, stumbling in my sentences, or phrasing things poorly, generally just not being good at the whole social interaction thing!
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This is something else I would've wholly identified with perhaps as recently as early last year. I'm not even sure what it was that clicked — perhaps just throwing a bit of caution to the wind — but quite abruptly it ceased to be the case. It took bloody long enough! But I finally broke through the wall.

Sometimes unexpected things just happen, I guess, either with or without conscious input or effort. And if you're in a position to be able to take the best from it... :)

I'm sure Aya and I are not the only ones who'd love to see you catch a break. You're one of the good guys. ;)
 
I can't just look at an anime character and think they're hot. As well as being drawn well, I need to like who they are in the anime they're from.

So like my fictional Husbando's are Handsome Jack, Griffith, Guts and now Connor from Detroit Become Human (*drools*).

I also love Spike and Gren from Bebop too, they just drawn hot and are wounded babies I so easily fall for hehe.

Rangiku from Bleach is hot cause shes tits and red hair but also her personality being a lover of alcohol lol.

Captaaainuniverse said:
If I got into a relationship now at least early into it I imagine I would be a bit clingy, not so much pervin' on others is a sin clingy but practically attached sort of thing, after so long I wouldn't want any chance of something good going, but if I thought I liked someone and there was something there I may be overbearing for their attention, which could ruin my chances, something could happen if I realise how I'd act and try to stop that though.
only way to be sure is to find someone I'm into, but I've forgotten what to look for really, I guess I'd know when I see it
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I think it makes sense to be clingy at the beginning if you like someone and the liking is mutual in it's extent as you want to see where this goes and it you dont feel there's focus on you both, you can get bothered. Alternatively, if I was into someone and wasn't getting an equal vibe, I wouldnt care and i'd wilt down to their level. I don't let myself get played or taken advantage off anymore where I'm able to have some foresight.

I'm a hella affectionate person and unless I'm known well by the person, it can be taken as overly needy perhaps? When it's not at all, it's just how I am. I will gain pet names for a lot of people I get on with and care about, romantic or friendship. I have a lot of love in me lol.
 
I like to think I'm affectionate enough to the point where I'm not overly clingy. I show my love and care in a way that's "me" - I love cuddles and kisses (even though they're only virtual for now), and I love being able to be so open, about anything and everything. I only recently admitted to Neil in one of our first video chats I had trouble maintaining eye contact (something I'm usually fine with) - not because of technical issues with the lag, but because I'd gone all shy 😹 He looked really good that day and it knocked me for 6, and whilst I would have been shy in admitting that early on, I'm much more confident these days it telling him he looks great.

I think though, there is a "healthy clingy", whereby you just genuinely enjoy each other's company and you're not afraid of showing it. I think as well it's important to acknowledge that we're also both individuals as well as a unit, and with that comes complete trust and confidence in the other that we can go off and do our own thing, or just have a bit of space should we want to - codependecy certainly isn't a healthy aspect in a relationship. My previous ex just put me on a pedestal and revolved his life around me - no thanks!

EDIT: I think as well it's important to have an identity and sense of self. Do "you", and do things you love. The right person will love you for who you are, and respect your interests, values and principles, and will accept your faults and weaknesses too! I still feel like I'm slowly re-discovering my old self from a few years ago, when I felt most confident in myself. I'm not afraid of speculating about the future any more now that I'm not alone - whilst I'm a strong-willed and capable person on my own it's so much better to have someone I care about by my side.
 
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