Relationships and Romance

@Phobos

Yeah, it's like my Dad - he'll just "butt in" and take over something that I can well do myself; perhaps because he feels bad for causing so many bad situations in the past, but, it doesn't help. I don't mind if he asks, or tries to guide me, but he just thinks that by doing it all himself it's "helping me".

We're naturally more receptive to helpful suggestions and guidance, rather than people just trying to fix the problem. It's like advice; I can't be doing when it's unsolicited - If I haven't asked for your advice, then I don't want it, however well meaning it is. I tend to think of how would I go about helping someone - I think first and foremost you ascertain who the person is (young/old/any kind of impairment etc), but, in terms of the general way I would go about offering assistance, I tend to ask open-ended questions in order to get a better understanding of the situation. Sometimes people are so blinded by worry that by simply just asking them the right questions, they begin to see things in a much clearer way. Also, just...often trying to empathise and show the other person that you "get it", you get how it feels/is. Then there's just helpful hints/encouragement; nothing stifling or forceful, stuff like that :)

Phobos said:
It strikes me that the more old school people can and do talk to each other yet the younger ones talk at each other.
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It bothers me when you really know that you don't have the attention of someone your talking to. My ex best friend used to do this alot. We'd go out for lunch and she'd ask me a question, and I'd start to answer, only to find that in the next instance her head was buried in her phone. Really used to annoy me. I want all of your attention, or none at all - don't give me half.
 
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@~AyaMachi~ i agree taking age into consideration is a good guideline for how to help but not entirely on the impairment one, my visions pretty bad so have had more than my fill of instances of eyes not working properly equates to brain not working properly, just treat people like they’re people, it’s not just limited to sight but any kind of disability, my man was in a wheelchair I lost count of the people I gutted for talking through whoever was pushing her (she was generally pushed rather than doing that herself) to her like for instance “hey X how’s mrs Y today?” It sickens me. People are people regardless of situation, I’ve met folks from all kinds of walks of life even with all kinds of disability for that matter ranging from physical to mental. Something that I learnt early on everyone appreciates being treated normally, no one likes to feel like they’re on display or are automatically inferior just because of something outside their control. In extreme cases of mental disability I can understand using a more restrictive vocabulary but thats probably as much of a change I make. If someone has to keep asking you to explain what you just said it makes things very awkward. Y
 
Phobos said:
I have to admit I also struggle to ask for help, I’ve been in the habit too long of being the person that can handle anything (for the most part I feel that probably is the actual case) however if things crop up I have difficulty with it can be difficult to admit it is causing me an issue.
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Hoo boy I'm very much like this and I do wonder how it'll affect potential future relationships. I spent much of my teenage years deeply depressed and unable to tell anyone what I was going through. Though I'm now more open to expressing my issues when it comes to more menial tasks (my two weeks of work experience had me often asking for help) I would never discuss more personal emotional aspects and troubles with even my closest friends and especially not my parents.

I've always had a mindset of keeping myself to myself and it likely makes me seem cold to others at times. It's an aspect of my personality that I would have to evaluate if I ended up in a relationship.
 
HWR said:
Hoo boy I'm very much like this and I do wonder how it'll affect potential future relationships. I spent much of my teenage years deeply depressed and unable to tell anyone what I was going through. Though I'm now more open to expressing my issues when it comes to more menial tasks (my two weeks of work experience had me often asking for help) I would never discuss more personal emotional aspects and troubles with even my closest friends and especially not my parents.

I've always had a mindset of keeping myself to myself and it likely makes me seem cold to others at times. It's an aspect of my personality that I would have to evaluate if I ended up in a relationship.
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Again I’m similar, very similar. All I can say from my experience is if you find a partner and respect them you’ll want to be honest with them. It’s far from easy even admitting a small thing has gotten to you, it’s been two years I’ve been in my relationship now and it’s still not easy. I don’t think it ever will be but I am slowly getting better. Expect a hard path but if you find the right person they’ll be supportive which does help a lot.
 
Phobos said:
if you find a partner and respect them you’ll want to be honest with them.
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This is what I find. When you deeply respect your partner you want to be honest with them, however difficult it might be to broach/admit. You just do it because ultimately, you want to show how much trust you place not only in the other person, but your relationship. Personally I've found it just...so easy to communicate with Neil, and that's testament to just how absolutely genuine and honest HE is as a person. From the moment he introduced himself to me here when I joined, I could tell he was the real deal - no front at all. That really struck me and I have to say, I really enjoyed engaging in conversation with him - I always hoped he'd be here when I visited! 😅

So far it's been 5 months and well, it just gets easier and easier to be absolutey open and upfront about ANYTHING with him. I've never had that privelage before in any previous relationship; to have such an ease of communicating so openly about things. We're just...on the same wavelength, to the point where it's freaky sometimes, but in the best way!

I'm a lucky bugger fair doos! 😅

(I hope you won't mind me sharing this stuff @Neil.T ) :)
 
Respect is indeed important. I don't like myself but I do have respect for what I do with my life, and I'd want to respect and like someone else in a way I've never managed to do personally.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
This is what I find. When you deeply respect your partner you want to be honest with them, however difficult it might be to broach/admit. You just do it because ultimately, you want to show how much trust you place not only in the other person, but your relationship. Personally I've found it just...so easy to communicate with Neil, and that's testament to just how absolutely genuine and honest HE is as a person. From the moment he introduced himself to me here when I joined, I could tell he was the real deal - no front at all. That really struck me and I have to say, I really enjoyed engaging in conversation with him - I always hoped he'd be here when I visited! 😅

So far it's been 5 months and well, it just gets easier and easier to be absolutey open and upfront about ANYTHING with him. I've never had that privelage before in any previous relationship; to have such an ease of communicating so openly about things. We're just...on the same wavelength, to the point where it's freaky sometimes, but in the best way!

I'm a lucky bugger fair doos! 😅

(I hope you won't mind me sharing this stuff @Neil.T ) :)
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This makes for a happy cult lewder. I’m glad things are going so well for both of you.

I totally agree with you however I feel I have to change wording slightly, ultimately I still fully agree, I feel it’s more a case of it being a testament to how much you both trust each other but also how much you both respect each other and the relationship.

I have to admit it seems pretty easy to tell if a relationship will work, or not, purely based on how much and more importantly how people communicate. When it’s honest straight to the point no messing around and still being respectful I find it’s a relationship that’s more liable to work.
 
HWR said:
Respect is indeed important. I don't like myself but I do have respect for what I do with my life, and I'd want to respect and like someone else in a way I've never managed to do personally.
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Again something else we are similar about (are you my secret twin?) again I can only speak from my experience but if you do manage to find that kind of relationship then I have to admit you feed, at least somewhat, off how your partner feels about you. I can’t say I like myself by any means but I do feel like that doesn’t matter, my partner sees me as gods gift and that’s whats important. The same goes in reverse here too. We’ve both suffered from some fairly bad depression in the past but having found each other seems to be making that a lot easier because both of us can just go with what the other feels, yknow it doesn’t matter that we don’t like ourselves because we both adore each other and that helps a load.
 
Phobos said:
I feel it’s more a case of it being a testament to how much you both trust each other but also how much you both respect each other and the relationship.
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Absolutely, it has to work both ways! And totally, it's respect for the relationship as well. This was clear to me with ex No. 3, who I was in a relationship with the longest. I not only fell out of love with him, but I fell out of love with the relationship as well. It just wasn't working for either of us anymore. I've learned so much about myself from previous relationships, so hopefully I can work at getting it right. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still be learning, but, you learn from mistakes :)
 
Phobos said:
Again something else we are similar about (are you my secret twin?) again I can only speak from my experience but if you do manage to find that kind of relationship then I have to admit you feed, at least somewhat, off how your partner feels about you. I can’t say I like myself by any means but I do feel like that doesn’t matter, my partner sees me as gods gift and that’s whats important. The same goes in reverse here too. We’ve both suffered from some fairly bad depression in the past but having found each other seems to be making that a lot easier because both of us can just go with what the other feels, yknow it doesn’t matter that we don’t like ourselves because we both adore each other and that helps a load.
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That sort of relationship would work for me tbh, I've never been able to properly feel love from others, even parental, for a long time now. I obviously know that it's there and evident but I seldom feel it actually impact me on an emotional level. It seems the years of depression have taken their toll in that respect.

The idea of someone caring for my wellbeing is sweet in a melancholic kind of way, it would likely be a long journey to rebuilding whatever it is that drives human emotions in me. And again it all comes back to the respect we discussed earlier, the respect you'd have for another to open up even if it's extremely difficult and draining.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
Absolutely, it has to work both ways! And totally, it's respect for the relationship as well. This was clear to me with ex No. 3, who I was in a relationship with the longest. I not only fell out of love with him, but I fell out of love with the relationship as well. It just wasn't working for either of us anymore. I've learned so much about myself from previous relationships, so hopefully I can work at getting it right. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still be learning, but, you learn from mistakes :)
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This is where I feel you definitely have an advantage over me. This is more first real relationship of any kind, let alone a serious relationship so have had to do a lot of learning from the get go. Totally worth it. I agree wholeheartedly, you learn from mistakes and work through them when it’s poasible.
 
HWR said:
That sort of relationship would work for me tbh, I've never been able to properly feel love from others, even parental, for a long time now. I obviously know that it's there and evident but I seldom feel it actually impact me on an emotional level. It seems the years of depression have taken their toll in that respect.

The idea of someone caring for my wellbeing is sweet in a melancholic kind of way, it would likely be a long journey to rebuilding whatever it is that drives human emotions in me. And again it all comes back to the respect we discussed earlier, the respect you'd have for another to open up even if it's extremely difficult and draining.
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Couldn’t agree more here. It’s been two years and I’m feeling much more like an actual person now but it certainly hasn’t been easy to get here. The journey is long and rough but it’s worth it at the end.
 
Phobos said:
This is where I feel you definitely have an advantage over me. This is more first real relationship of any kind, let alone a serious relationship so have had to do a lot of learning from the get go. Totally worth it. I agree wholeheartedly, you learn from mistakes and work through them when it’s poasible.
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Well the first was long-distance and only lasted 3 months (physically I only met up with him about 3 times anyway). He was an idiot (polite version). The second lasted a month - again, nothing really happened. The third was the longest at 15 months, and the fourth was long-distance again and that only lasted about 4 months. I think mostly it's that, in the early days, I've invested too much too soon. My naive nature got the better of me, and I genuinely believed that these relationships could work out. Ultimately, it's been either that they're just really clueless and disrespectful, or too immature (the second one was 27 at the time but I think mentally he was about 18). This time round I've been much more guarded, and coupled with the fact that I have so much respect for myself than I did back then, I feel much more content with how I'm going about things.

Ultimately, it's been tough, but, I'm glad I've learned the things I have to stand me in good stead for the future.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
Well the first was long-distance and only lasted 3 months (physically I only met up with him about 3 times anyway). He was an idiot (polite version). The second lasted a month - again, nothing really happened. The third was the longest at 15 months, and the fourth was long-distance again and that only lasted about 4 months. I think mostly it's that, in the early days, I've invested too much too soon. My naive nature got the better of me, and I genuinely believed that these relationships could work out. Ultimately, it's been either that they're just really clueless and disrespectful, or too immature (the second one was 27 at the time but I think mentally he was about 18). This time round I've been much more guarded, and coupled with the fact that I have so much respect for myself than I did back then, I feel much more content with how I'm going about things.

Ultimately, it's been tough, but, I'm glad I've learned the things I have to stand me in good stead for the future.
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My only past experience was also long distance, totally on the understanding neither of us were going to move (hell we were in totally different countries and weren’t willing to give up our commitments there) to be with each other so was a case of we’ll have that but if something happens closer to home then that’s fine. So I never really got attached which is why I don’t really class it as a relationship, it was more a convenience. It was fine we were both fine with it but with it obviously never going to lead to anything felt pretty lacking. It was useful in the fact it got me to be able to hold some pretty lengthy conversations. Think the record was about 14hours. Can’t say it really helped me learn much about relationships for what I’m currently in as it’s a totally different kettle of fish.

Whilst you’ve brought maturity up I have to say I don’t think I’d be able to be in a long term relationship with someone who is significantly more immature than myself. I can only see it causing problems. Nothing against being carefree and letting yourself go but when you still effectively act like a child I just don’t think I’d be able to deal with it.
 
Long distance relationships come with a whole host of their own problems too, which makes them infinitely more difficult. I think the evolution of the internet has made it easier to manage in some ways but in others it's lonely and if the relationship isn't solid enough then a lot of trust issues pop up. Once you are living together or seeing each other a lot in the event it works out then I think it can be grounds for a pretty stable relationship. Then again not seeing each other often also means you might explode once you are together, so it can be tough!
 
Phobos said:
My only past experience was also long distance, totally on the understanding neither of us were going to move (hell we were in totally different countries and weren’t willing to give up our commitments there) to be with each other so was a case of we’ll have that but if something happens closer to home then that’s fine. So I never really got attached which is why I don’t really class it as a relationship, it was more a convenience. It was fine we were both fine with it but with it obviously never going to lead to anything felt pretty lacking. It was useful in the fact it got me to be able to hold some pretty lengthy conversations. Think the record was about 14hours. Can’t say it really helped me learn much about relationships for what I’m currently in as it’s a totally different kettle of fish.

Whilst you’ve brought maturity up I have to say I don’t think I’d be able to be in a long term relationship with someone who is significantly more immature than myself. I can only see it causing problems. Nothing against being carefree and letting yourself go but when you still effectively act like a child I just don’t think I’d be able to deal with it.
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Ultimately I have no qualms with long-distance. I personally believe that, if it's meant to be, you both work things out. Things like re-locating, finding another job, those are practicalities that can be sorted; not saying it's easy and straightforward, but you just...sort it out. I think, so long as ultimately you're both communicating, and you're on the same page with everything, there's no reason why things can't work out how you want them. It's hard, but worthwhile in the long term if it's right. Incedentally, I do think that initially, the distance can serve to benefit. I believe that it gives each person the time to look after themselves and grow as individuals, whilst still feeling like being part of a relationship, if that makes sense. You then come to appreciate one another when you do met up, and if/when you finally make the big move to become a permanent fixture, you are more content as individuals as well as being a unit.

I mean, when I came here, my head wasn't in the relationship game at all; I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything. Now somehow 5 months down the line, I've had the pants charmed off me by one @Neil.T . That said, I don't feel...stifled at all. I get that there's distance, but I really don't feel like we're stifling one another; it's not how we are. Honestly? Despite the shift in dynamic only a couple of months ago (friends to more-than-friends), I still don't feel like I have to sort of...how do I put it? Declare that what we have is a "relationship", even though it is? I know that sounds really daft, but, I think that shifting the dynamic is a big thing, but because the shift was so...easy and subtle? I've...not felt the need to ackowledge or use such terms as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend"? I know it might sound crazy, but what Neil and I have just..."is", and both of us are just content with what this "is", without having to use any "relationshippy" terms...

I suppose as well, I expressed that after a run of unsuccessful relationships, I really wasn't wanting to commit to anything when I came here. Also, I really had convinced myself that I wasn't relationship material. Despite this though, Neil really just...understood this, and he's been so...patient and respectful in his courtship (old fashioned but for lack of a better word). He's just been "himself", and honestly, despite me playing it extremely cautious, especially initially, he's managed to earn my trust and respect by just being "himself", and that's just such an amazing thing!

(Again Neil I hope you don't mind me bringing these things up here) :)
 
Phobos said:
Whilst you’ve brought maturity up I have to say I don’t think I’d be able to be in a long term relationship with someone who is significantly more immature than myself. I can only see it causing problems. Nothing against being carefree and letting yourself go but when you still effectively act like a child I just don’t think I’d be able to deal with it.
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Yeah, the last guy I was with isn't even worth ackowledging. We never met up and honestly, he was way to emotionally immature. He put me on a pedestal as well, which isn't fair to anyone. When they put you up for all to see, and worship the ground you walk upon, that's...pretty sad. There's respect and admiration for a person, and then there's just pure obsession. He's got a way to go before he can really succeed in a proper relationship I think.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
I mean, when I came here, my head wasn't in the relationship game at all; I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything. Now somehow 5 months down the line, I've had the pants charmed off me by one @Neil.T . That said, I don't feel...stifled at all. I get that there's distance, but I really don't feel like we're stifling one another; it's not how we are. Honestly? Despite the shift in dynamic only a couple of months ago (friends to more-than-friends), I still don't feel like I have to sort of...how do I put it? Declare that what we have is a "relationship", even though it is? I know that sounds really daft, but, I think that shifting the dynamic is a big thing, but because the shift was so...easy and subtle? I've...not felt the need to ackowledge or use such terms as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend"? I know it might sound crazy, but what Neil and I have just..."is", and both of us are just content with what this "is", without having to use any "relationshippy" terms...
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I think that’s the sign of a good relationship, in my opinion anyway. Admittedly I like being able to throw around terms like boyfriend, fiancé etc. but we don’t need them, we’re just us. I guess I use them, not to boast, but because I’m happy with what we have and I like being able to say he’s my partner in crime. I’m just a soppy romantic at heart I guess who has read waaaaay too much shojo lol. I think feeling comfortable enough not to have to say that though means you trust in each other and feel comfortable in the situation, so it’s sweet. :)
 
I totally get you on not having to use specific terms @~AyaMachi~ thats a very good thing, I do personally enjoy being able to say my partner is my fiancèe however it’s not like I go around introducing her as my fiancèe, first and foremost she’s her and we are what we are. There’s no need to flaunt it but I do take pleasure out of being able to say we are as far in our relationship as we are. Too many we ares there?
 
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