Relationships and Romance

Well I just found out today that this whole time since the split (back in Feb), my ex has been lying out his ass saying I cheated on him!

Total sympathy card there, his idiot gf has fell for it hook line and sinker telling anyone who'll listen on fb that her bf is amazing and he got cheated on. Makes me wonder if he cheated on me and if he lied about his ex before me to me since he's lying about me. He's demonised me since February and a load of sheeple think he's a brave hard done by person and I got witch hunted out of a lot of the con scene off the back of it all.
 
-Danielle- said:
Well I just found out today that this whole time since the split (back in Feb), my ex has been lying out his ass saying I cheated on him!

Total sympathy card there, his idiot gf has fell for it hook line and sinker telling anyone who'll listen on fb that her bf is amazing and he got cheated on. Makes me wonder if he cheated on me and if he lied about his ex before me to me since he's lying about me. He's demonised me since February and a load of sheeple think he's a brave hard done by person and I got witch hunted out of a lot of the con scene off the back of it all.
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Sadly this thing happens way too much. Too many people like to pretend they’re perfect and if something goes wrong, whether it be a relationship or otherwise, it has to be someone else’s fault.
I could be wrong but it strikes me as it being a case of if he claims you cheated then there’s probably something going on there that made him think of cheating, whether it being past experience or current I don’t know, you’d be a better judge there.

Commiserations for going through that sh*t, if it’s any consolation it seems you may be better off without him.
 
-Danielle- said:
Well I just found out today that this whole time since the split (back in Feb), my ex has been lying out his ass saying I cheated on him!

Total sympathy card there, his idiot gf has fell for it hook line and sinker telling anyone who'll listen on fb that her bf is amazing and he got cheated on. Makes me wonder if he cheated on me and if he lied about his ex before me to me since he's lying about me. He's demonised me since February and a load of sheeple think he's a brave hard done by person and I got witch hunted out of a lot of the con scene off the back of it all.
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In the current social climate, how the sweetest, deepest layer of the interstice does everyone believe the guy in all this? A guy, if he has a reputation for it, certainly has an air of farce around him?
I would say avoid needless drama, but for your reputation talk to his gf if you can. If she leaves him, he doesn't deserve anyone that would give him an ounce of sympathy, as it sounds like he hasn't really suffered to get that sympathy, and we'll, look at the facts, I'm assuming your still single since last time you said. If you cheated on him, that would mean you could easily find someone else before now, or would have
 
She won't believe me if I opted to contact her. When they end she'll get demonised as I did. I have him and some former friends blocked, the others unfriended so my online life is a safe space as I can't see all the bad stuff that gets said.
It's not nice that there's a lot from the mcm london scene who think I'm a cheating psycho because of him and those I called friend though :(

He did and said so much sh*t to me and had others do it too, I kept what happened with us to myself and didn't talk about it, to try and shape opinion and sides. What good it did me.

I had crazy anxiety back in May as I was really scared about seeing them and what they'd do. I was able to keep my distance in the evenings and got left alone thankfully. They'll all be there in October though so I'm thinking I may pass on it this year.
 
-Danielle- said:
They'll all be there in October though so I'm thinking I may pass on it this year.
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well, you can't let that be the decider for you, you could still just ignore them. I know that would be hard but people are idiots, the more you talk to deny it the more the lady doth protest too much. it's not like you'd have to see them, and well, if you do go and they keep talking about it, it's really childish of them. the ex shouldn't be playing a sympathy card now as well, he's got someone, he's got the friends, he's got the high horse, he won't keep those for long if the sympathy keeps him as a pathetic victim. I wish people were smart enough to look at what you lost and realise regardless of the truth the guy is kind of a jerk now
 
Yeah it really hurt me when they all went his direction and left me. Following the crowd I guess. They're not a nice lot and outside looking in I can see how clicky they are and that I used to be that.
The fact that one of them even said "whilst they were in the group at con they felt alone" shows it's the company you keep as with the good people you wouldn't feel that way. But everyone stays with the majority, being with me is the minority. Those I have left are still friends with them too so if they go see them in October though, I'd be stood on my own so it's a gamble.

His Mum messaged me last week but I couldn't view it due to it being shared from a friends only profile or one i blocked which is a shame. Would love to know what she wanted me to see, almost 7 months after the split...
 
ayase said:
Partnerships of equals are great in the rare instances they happen, but in the vast majority of cases there's going to be a dominant and a submissive partner
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Sticking this in here because I don't really want to be involved in that specific debate, and I don't usually weigh in on political debates since I really have no interest but since this is related to relationships I'll just chime in with this: it's an equal partnership or nothing for me. My last "relationship" failed because of the sub/dom imbalance (partner wanted to be submissive in all aspects) - that just does not work for me.

It's not so much about who's more clever or savvy or whatever; we (Neil and I) each recognise that we bring different things to the table because we're different people at the end of the day, and that to me is what makes a successful relationship - you're a partnership; a team. We have our strengths and weaknesses and we recognise and respect those in each other and make it work.

My own parent's relationship is a complete bust, in (one small) part because of the 1950s mindset my Mum has and the fact that my Dad doesn't lift a finger around the house. That's just not me, and I would make every concerted effort to ensure that I would never end up in such a relationship. Thankfully, I haven't. Some people may voluntarily take on the sub/dom roles in a relationship, and that's fair enough if that's what each has consented to, but sometimes, it happens because of power struggles and toxic attitudes.

I understand I've digressed from the initial topic at hand, so apologies, but that's me personally, and my opinions. I certainly don't want to put words into Neil's mouth but I think he'd agree with me.

Fin
 
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Like I say, the sub/dom thing is not present in all relationships but I think it is present to some degree in most. It doesn't have to be extreme, it can be quite subtle, but it's fairly easily observed in other people just say, sitting in a cafe and hearing them talk to each other. Which is about as close as I'm likely to get to a relationship for the time being.

I remember watching a documentary about Ayn Rand once, it seems what she looked for in a partner was someone who could dom even a domme like her, but she was just so domineering she never found anyone her forceful personality didn't totally subjugate. The way time has been working on sharpening my hard edges, I can sympathise. In fact I struggle now to see any future relationship not playing out like The Mountain Goats' album Tallahassee, not that that wouldn't at least be exciting while it lasted.

I am drowning
 
ayase said:
Like I say, the sub/dom thing is not present in all relationships but I think it is present to some degree in most. It doesn't have to be extreme, it can be quite subtle, but it's fairly easily observed in other people just say, sitting in a cafe and hearing them talk to each other.
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Oh, I don't disagree - I've witnessed it myself from observing customers during my 5 years stint in retail; you definitely can tell who wears the pants in many cases! I guess by virtue of Neil and I also being quite strong willed individuals with minds of our own, we've just become like best friends (with the added bonus of there being something more). It also brings to mind the attachment theory, because I would imagine that patterns of behaviour from a very young age could certainly influence what an individual might end up being like later on in adult relationships, and thus determine the dynamic. Again, I say there's nothing wrong with either partner within a relationship voluntarily taking on either the sub/dom role, so long as it's consentual and both parties are happy with the arrangement. It's not for me personally, but we're all different, and every relationship is different.

I'd say Neil and I are both pretty stubborn confident and secure as individuals as well, which I think has to be present for there not to be any kind of shift in power in the first place (or an already present sub/dom dynamic). I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but we respect ourselves enough as individuals to not get pushed around or swayed by any sort of damaging behaviours. Plus, we practice the (seemingly lost) art of communication, so we talk openly about things that bother us or worry us. I'm not saying everything is perfect - nothing is! But each of us has the respect and admiration for each other to recognise the good traits and the not-so-good, which allow us to continually learn and grow as people. Personally, I'm not one for resting on my laurels and I guess because I'm quite introspective anyway, I continually strive to be the best that I can be, for myself and for Neil.
 
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~AyaMachi~ said:
Oh, I don't disagree - I've witnessed it myself from observing customers during my 5 years stint in retail; you definitely can tell who wears the pants in many cases! I guess by virtue of Neil and I also being quite strong willed individuals with minds of our own, we've just become like best friends (with the added bonus of there being something more). It also brings to mind the attachment theory, because I would imagine that patterns of behaviour from a very young age could certainly influence what an individual might end up being like later on in adult relationships, and thus determine the dynamic. Again, I say there's nothing wrong with either partner within a relationship voluntarily taking on either the sub/dom role, so long as it's consentual and both parties are happy with the arrangement. It's not for me personally, but we're all different, and every relationship is different.
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It takes all sorts, as they say. As is probably very apparent to anyone who reads my posts, I actually really enjoy challenging and being challenged (which is interesting in terms of examining parental relationships - My parents were certainly nothing like that, in fact completely the opposite to the point where I think they were so conscious of not hurting each other they didn't want to admit when the love had gone out of their relationship) and the willingness of people to be challenging and assertive increases my respect for them. That comes with its own challenges, because I think when you meet someone you like there's a kind of automatic response of trying to play nice and not alienate or upset them, which for me is quite an unnatural façade to put on. But if I don't, it's not easy to even make friends let alone built romantic relationships. I spent too long being a salesperson and trying to put the best spin on things to get the result I wanted, I guess.
 
ayase said:
That comes with its own challenges, because I think when you meet someone you like there's a kind of automatic response of trying to play nice and not alienate or upset them, which for me is quite an unnatural façade to put on.
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I do think many of us, (at least initially), perhaps tread on proverbial eggshells a little bit more than we care to admit in the earlier stages of a relationship. We're scoping out the scene, as it were, and if you're anything like me, you're quite cautious and guarded. There can be a definite fear of perhaps hurting or offending as well, certainly, but I find that (as cliche as it sounds), the more time you spend together talking and sharing things, the more comfortable you become around each other, and your true colours shine naturally. I jest, but even only recently Neil and I have been joking about now "being at that stage where we can not be embarassed to fart in each other's presence" - you definitely end up just reaching a point where, you love the person so much, you WANT to share everything and be completely honest with them, and you want to be your best true self, which also means showing vulnerability and weakness. THAT for me, is the mark of being completely secure in yourself and each other, and in the relationship itself - you know your partner just has your back, through thick and thin, and loves you unconditionally, warts and all.

ayase said:
and the willingness of people to be challenging and assertive
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I certainly don't see any issue with being challenging and assertive. I think this is where my point in a previous post about having respect for yourself is just as important as respecting the other person and the relationship. The way I see it, you can't love someone else unless you love yourself, and you have to be able to stand up for yourself, as well as have the curiosity to challenge; the key for me is how you go about that. You can actually do it in a respectful manner, without being hurtful or pig-headed. Unfortunately my previous partner put me on a pedestal - it's one thing to have respect and admiration for someone, but another entirely to worship the ground they walk upon and think they can do no wrong.

Funnily enough Neil and I were celebrating our 1 year of knowing each other last Monday, and in that time I've certainly noticed a shift in my own confidence (for the better) and happiness, especially given how bad 2017 was as a year, (and taking into account my own current circumstances). I've also noticed that Neil himself has perhaps loosened up just a little bit, and he seems so much more comfortable in being able to pull my leg a wee bit occasionally (he has an amazing sense of humour that I just find really endearing). We continue to go from strength to stength, and I really do feel like I'm in an equal partnership - we're a team, and we have each other's backs. He supports me in every way, and that's something I even feel like I'm still trying to wrap my head around!
 
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