D1tchd1gger
Shrine Maiden
No problem.
BTW if you check the members page and scroll down you'll see people whos birthday it is today for those that entered their birth date. Seems 2 regulars also have a birthday today!
Relationships and Romance
- Thread starter VivisQueen
- Start date
BTW if you check the members page and scroll down you'll see people whos birthday it is today for those that entered their birth date. Seems 2 regulars also have a birthday today!
You just managed to get that in there before midnight!
D1tchd1gger
Shrine Maiden
Dating sites certainly work for a lot of people (I know several of my relatives have admitted to using them and they're successfully married now, so if my stuffy older relatives don't find them embarrassing to admit to then they shouldn't be). Having said that, I always think Tinder sounds absolutely terrifying.
Some of the comments here have been... interesting over the last couple of days!
Lemon, you've been making some very level-headed posts but I want to side with serpantino on the self esteem thing. While I agree that knowing you are loved will offer a self esteem boost, you will struggle if you try to use a relationship to solve your feelings of inadequacy, because the underlying insecurities will put pressure on the relationship and your partner. I think it's good to be up front about things like anxiety - many women suffer from it too, or at least have friends who do - and the advice people give to pretend you're perfect is no good at all. You can't fake it forever if the relationship lasts. But so long as you own your anxiety and don't let it strangle the relationship, it's something that can only be eased from your own strength, not by being in a relationship. It's part of you. You'll learn to manage it in a way that works for you, and you'll learn to love and be loved in spite of it.
(Happy Birthday, Neil!)
R
Some of the comments here have been... interesting over the last couple of days!
Lemon, you've been making some very level-headed posts but I want to side with serpantino on the self esteem thing. While I agree that knowing you are loved will offer a self esteem boost, you will struggle if you try to use a relationship to solve your feelings of inadequacy, because the underlying insecurities will put pressure on the relationship and your partner. I think it's good to be up front about things like anxiety - many women suffer from it too, or at least have friends who do - and the advice people give to pretend you're perfect is no good at all. You can't fake it forever if the relationship lasts. But so long as you own your anxiety and don't let it strangle the relationship, it's something that can only be eased from your own strength, not by being in a relationship. It's part of you. You'll learn to manage it in a way that works for you, and you'll learn to love and be loved in spite of it.
(Happy Birthday, Neil!)
R
Vashdaman
Za Warudo
Yep, I would definitely second absolutely all of what Rui said there. Insecurities can definitely impinge on an otherwise very pleasant relationship, and when you have little to no relationship experience it can be easy to let those insecurities run away with you. It certainly happened to me, and while it didn't prove fatal to the relationship (that was down to more my own idiocy than insecurity) and I did kind of overcome them eventually, it definitely caused some unnecessary hiccups and awkwardness. Of course, we shouldn't be ashamed of our insecurities, and the biggest mistake I made was not owning up to them and being honest with her (when she was so honest with me), and instead trying to cover them up and do that whole mr.perfect act. Trying to cover them up just exacerbated them for me.
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Foxfire-Nova
Brigade Leader
See, I could be with someone right now and I could feel happy, but knowing they were the only person I’d been with would bug me. I’m not the sort of person who’s bothered about a partner’s past experiences, but MY OWN lack of experience would make me feel insecure. How can I be happy with someone I’m into when all I can think about is who the NEXT person is gonna be?
I’m not saying that to try and be arrogant (even though I know that’s how I probably come across), I genuinely don’t see how I can happily be with someone knowing other people have done more than me - if I was just with that one person for the rest of my life, as happy as we might be, why would I just be okay with knowing my limited experience is still a thing?
Like, why WOULDN’T I want to be with multiple people, to venture out, try different things and have a wealth of romantic experience under my belt?
(Again, not trying to sound like a twat - I’m curious about hearing other people’s viewpoints on this)
I’m not saying that to try and be arrogant (even though I know that’s how I probably come across), I genuinely don’t see how I can happily be with someone knowing other people have done more than me - if I was just with that one person for the rest of my life, as happy as we might be, why would I just be okay with knowing my limited experience is still a thing?
Like, why WOULDN’T I want to be with multiple people, to venture out, try different things and have a wealth of romantic experience under my belt?
(Again, not trying to sound like a twat - I’m curious about hearing other people’s viewpoints on this)
Okay, then you can have mine. Have you ever heard of the comedian Tim Minchin? In his stand-up, he talks about how he's married to the first girl he was ever with. (I hope he still is to this day.) Well, I greatly admire that. I continue to cling hopelessly to that dream to this day.
My mentality is: if that's not the way things go for me, then I've failed at life. That's always been my mindset, and I refuse to be shifted from it. Call me what you will.
serpantino
Thousand Master
If you're holding back mentally with an eye on the next conquest then you're just using people and if they do happen to be in it for something deeper then it's abusive and hurtful & can wreck lives. If it is all they want too then you'll never get any genuine experience of how a relationship really works or real romance either because they only work based on mutual trust & respect which doesn't come from treating someone as an object designed to fulfill your own desires. It also takes time to really understand because the chemical love that lasts the first year or so clouds your judgement and artificially boosts your compatibility.
As you get older you'll likely find that the pickings grow slimmer and you run the very real risk of being one of those creepy, lonely, old people that pervs on the younger, desperately trying to get an ego boost & cling onto what you once had. I'm sure any woman who's worked behind a counter can back me up about how horrible it is to have an old pervert trying to flirt with you at work whilst pretending to smile and be professional.
Why do I feel my ears burning? Is someone talking about me?
serpantino
Thousand Master
Why do I feel my ears burning? Is someone talking about me?
LOL not at all! I was referring to going after women with that shallow, narcissistic, perspective. I will suggest that it's not the best time to hit on women though because they're kinda trapped there and they have to interact with you.
I'm worried that it does kinda sound like what I might've already become, though.
Then again, what I consider to be inappropriate behaviour worthy of feeling guilt over is quite possibly just ordinary, innocent conversation in most people's eyes. I don't know. I hope so, though.
God, my thought process with these things has become just an utter train wreck.
Then again, what I consider to be inappropriate behaviour worthy of feeling guilt over is quite possibly just ordinary, innocent conversation in most people's eyes. I don't know. I hope so, though.
God, my thought process with these things has become just an utter train wreck.
Foxfire-Nova
Brigade Leader
If it’s so shallow why do people keep going for that approach? And why do girls keep falling for it? And why does it seem such an attractive lifestyle despite a lot of my inner workings telling me I shouldn’t do it?
IncendiaryLemon
Captain Karen
Because a lot of people are shallow.
That's why I always got a kick out of that Futureheads lyric "You eat sh*t 'cos you're stupid and shallow".
(From the track 'Stupid and shallow' on their self-titled debut album.)
Why does it bug you? If you find a flavour of juice you absolutely love, do you really need to taste all of the mediocre-sounding alternatives to confirm to you that the first one tasted good? Is it worth losing the first one forever just so that you can settle for a superficial experience with lots of different types of juice? Some people prefer the thrill of the chase to the actual endgame, but personally I know what I like in life and when I find it I don't ever want to let it go. Certainly not to compete with (exaggerated) brags from people who have never experienced what I have. Even if they have slept with a thousand people, they've never slept with the person I care about. They'll never feel what I feel. It's not a race.
In any case, while I'm no champion of strictly waiting for 'the one', I've never been all that impressed by 'relationship experts' who claim to have been with hundreds of women. They've been able to sweet talk hundreds of people into their beds, yet never managed to maintain a long term relationship? Then they know nothing. And frankly, they're probably still rubbish in bed. You don't learn all that much from someone who is still on their best behaviour trying to impress someone they only just met. You learn from a communicative, trusting partner who is confident enough with you to speak their mind.
A lot of those people are embellishing the truth, you know. Their insecurities push them into bragging the way that yours push you into resenting the way everything works. It's a ridiculous situation. The only people whose feelings about a relationship or sexual experience matter are the participants themselves.
R
Dave1988
Pokémon Master
It's a touchy subject for different people really..yeh people find it so easy finding someone to date other...not so much and I'm in the minority of the not so much category. As mentioned above a few times. Everyone is different how they approach things and myself having very self low confidence find it difficult but. You get over it. Only thing you can do..you just get used to it really biggest thing is that you feel worthless at times that's the biggest one for me...I dont really get on with most of my family so done everything on my own yeh it's hard but I get in with it..the amount of times I've thought about just upping and leaving...and moving on to somewhere new is always on my mind. Who knows it may do me good and may find happiness somewhere else and maybe with someone
Chin up, Dave. Got my fingers quietly crossed for you.
And do keep your options open, yeah? You've got a potential future plan in your back pocket there.
Dave1988
Pokémon Master
Why thank you kind sir...I mean to be fair I'm lucky as I've got no dependents I'm my own persona...the one biggest factor for me upping g and leaving for somewhere new is if i could find a job or not I'm 29 now and never been out of work....I'm a worker and that's the biggest factor for me