Relationships and Romance

~AyaMachi~ said:
This really resonates with me. I really think that if you're with the right person, the dynamic that you've built throughout your relationship doesn't shift, you just become more committed in the eyes of each other (and the eyes of the law). But, to have some one who is you're best friend, your partner in crime, that's something I personally would need to have. To me, I can't have a meaningful relationship without a meaningful friendship. The longest relationship I had broke down in part because of that - there was no foundation of friendship; we were just...existing and thinking that all was well just because we looked at each other lovingly and had sex, but, it soon became apparent that it just...wasn't working. I couldn't open up to this man, about anything. We just ended up arguing. At the time I was depressed as well, which didn't help, but he seemed to struggle to understand me. He was very...insecure in himself I think as well, but not only that, I just couldn't gel with his family. Now don't get me wrong, they were lovely people, but they were...almost "too" lovely? I remember sitting with them all once and I looked around at them, and I was thinking, "wow, you people have never had a disagreement about anything, ever, have you?". That kind of meekness and "utopian" family unit didn't sit well with me, it was unsettling!
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Me and the ex were friends for a couple of years before we got together. That never changed for years. A good friendship is the most important thing in a relationship.
 
Patient-X said:
I didn't want kids but she did.
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This is certainly an area where both parties need to be on the same page. I mean, if one does and the other doesn't, there's no meeting half-way - you can't have half a child! Plus, it's not like you can just try it to see what it's like and then decide you don't like it. It's something that definitely should be discussed early on in the dating stage in my opinion. I would always make it clear that I definitely don't want them, and if the guy is unhappy about it, then we part ways amicably; that's the way it goes. It's not something I will bend on, and if it means not being in a relationship and being alone, then that doesn't bother me. The right person for me will also not want children!

EDIT: Glad it's worked out for you though dude :)
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
This is the thing, it's never been something I've had an issue with. I've often woncered why some people make such a big deal out of it. I think it's generally older people? Some can seem hell bent on making sure that "if you're pregnant you'd better get married, I'll not have that child born out of wedlock". I've just...never seen it as a big deal because I genuinely don't see what the repercussions are from it; it's certainly not detrimental to the child!
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On this one I guess it boils down to how religious you are and whether you pick and choose what to believe or whether you take every word as truth. Long and short of it is according to a passage in the bible a bastard is damned to the tenth generation but then it’s also acceptable for a man to beat his wife and children into obedience. Neither of which I can get behind. I guess this could transfer into damned=filthy, keep filth away.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
This is certainly an area where both parties need to be on the same page. I mean, if one does and the other doesn't, there's no meeting half-way - you can't have half a child! Plus, it's not like you can just try it to see what it's like and then decide you don't like it. It's something that definitely should be discussed early on in the dating stage in my opinion. I would always make it clear that I definitely don't want them, and if the guy is unhappy about it, then we part ways amicably; that's the way it goes. It's not something I will bend on, and if it means not being in a relationship and being alone, then that doesn't bother me. The right person for me will also not want children!

EDIT: Glad it's worked out for you though dude :)
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Not to nitpick here but technically you could try then contact social services and put your kid into voluntary care. Not something I’d recommend to anyone under any circumstance, just saying you could.

Figure a disclaimer is necessary here; if anyone does this expect me to never acknowledge your existence. If you have a kid look after them don’t ignore them and pretend they don’t exist. I understand it’s not always possible for both parents to be around 24/7 but I also don’t feel this gives either parent an excuse to sit back and let the other one, or another person entirely, just take care of the child they helped create. Just my two penneth.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
This is the thing, it's never been something I've had an issue with. I've often woncered why some people make such a big deal out of it. I think it's generally older people? Some can seem hell bent on making sure that "if you're pregnant you'd better get married, I'll not have that child born out of wedlock". I've just...never seen it as a big deal because I genuinely don't see what the repercussions are from it; it's certainly not detrimental to the child!
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I am an older person, and I have no problem with it at all. My daughter goes to a Catholic school and a lot of the parents of the kids in her class aren't married and the school doesn't descriminate against the kids. If a Catholic school has no problem with it then it can't be much if a big deal anymore.
 
Patient-X said:
I am an older person, and I have no problem with it at all. My daughter goes to a Catholic school and a lot of the parents of the kids in her class aren't married and the school doesn't descriminate against the kids. If a Catholic school has no problem with it then it can't be much if a big deal anymore.
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You're not old, you're only 51 ;)
 
Patient-X said:
I am an older person, and I have no problem with it at all. My daughter goes to a Catholic school and a lot of the parents of the kids in her class aren't married and the school doesn't descriminate against the kids. If a Catholic school has no problem with it then it can't be much if a big deal anymore.
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This is the thing. I believe as things have become less fire and brimstone then things like this have become less of an issue.
 
Phobos said:
Not to nitpick here but technically you could try then contact social services and put your kid into voluntary care. Not something I’d recommend to anyone under any circumstance, just saying you could.

Figure a disclaimer is necessary here; if anyone does this expect me to never acknowledge your existence. If you have a kid look after them don’t ignore them and pretend they don’t exist. I understand it’s not always possible for both parents to be around 24/7 but I also don’t feel this gives either parent an excuse to sit back and let the other one, or another person entirely, just take care of the child they helped create. Just my two penneth.
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This is exactly an issue I have. You get some situations where one of the couple desperately wants a child, the other doesn't. They end up relenting and doing it anyway, and the partner is nowhere to be seen, despite the fact that they wanted the child!
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
This is certainly an area where both parties need to be on the same page. I mean, if one does and the other doesn't, there's no meeting half-way - you can't have half a child! Plus, it's not like you can just try it to see what it's like and then decide you don't like it. It's something that definitely should be discussed early on in the dating stage in my opinion. I would always make it clear that I definitely don't want them, and if the guy is unhappy about it, then we part ways amicably; that's the way it goes. It's not something I will bend on, and if it means not being in a relationship and being alone, then that doesn't bother me. The right person for me will also not want children!

EDIT: Glad it's worked out for you though dude :)
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When we first got together and even after we got married she didn't want kids. we'd discussed it a lot in our early days and we both agreed no kids. But then out of the blue some kind of maternal switch was turned on. I could see how much she wanted it so I did it for her, probably not the best thing to do but as I've said I have no regrets now, at least not where the little'uns concerned.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
This is exactly an issue I have. You get some situations where one of the couple desperately wants a child, the other doesn't. They end up relenting and doing it anyway, and the partner is nowhere to be seen, despite the fact that they wanted the child!
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That is definitely part of the problem I have however it’s only a part. It’s more the abandonment in general I have issues with mostly regardless of situation. It’s not on as far as I am concerned, if you’re capable of helping to make a child your capable of helping to care for the child so do it.
 
Patient-X said:
When we first got together and even after we got married she didn't want kids. we'd discussed it a lot in our early days and we both agreed no kids. But then out of the blue some kind of maternal switch was turned on. I could see how much she wanted it so I did it for her, probably not the best thing to do but as I've said I have no regrets now, at least not where the little'uns concerned.
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I think my maternal switch is genuinely malfunctioned 😅

Fair play, you do seem really doting towards your little one to honest, much respect!

Personally, I don't dislike kids (well, not all of them), I've just known for as long as I can remember that they're not for me. I'm lucky in that I've had no pressure from family about it, and even people from various jobs that I've had have even respected my decision when asked (at least on the face of it; inside their minds they might be thinking I'm just pure selfish). But, it's a choice at the end of the day. It's unfortunate that so many women especially just think it's their role in life, and it's not.

I'll stop there as this could turn into another discussion entirely and I want to stay as much on topic as possible!

Phobos said:
That is definitely part of the problem I have however it’s only a part. It’s more the abandonment in general I have issues with mostly regardless of situation. It’s not on as far as I am concerned, if you’re capable of helping to make a child your capable of helping to care for the child so do it.
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I mean, children can pick up on when they're unwanted, and that's just terrible. If you didn't want the child but it's happened anyway through whatever circumstance, then step up and do the right thing - take care of it to the best of your ability. Make it feel loved. It's not just about you anymore from that point; you do right by the child that you've brought into the world. If you bent under pressure from partners or family members, it's unfortunate that you felt like you didn't have a choice, but, what's done is done, you have a job to do!
 
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