The General Conversation Area

Discussion in 'Random Chit-Chat' started by Tachi, Feb 24, 2009.

  1. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    Well, that conversation took an unexpected turn.

    Double-post, I know, but I'd again be immensely grateful for any input that anyone would be prepared to throw my way. Anyone already sick and tired of what seems to have become my usual subject in this thread, please save yourselves and look away now! :D

    So... (deep breath) I've sort of been able to get talking with a person at my workplace who I'd already kinda liked for a little while. I happened to mention the Japanese language course I signed myself up for, and the conversation turned to her and her friend's visit to a local comic con (in cosplay, no less!) last weekend. It's really her friend who's the big anime fan, apparently, but it sounded like she enjoyed a certain film at last year's event that's also a favourite of mine. I'd rarely had the chance to chat with her before as our shifts rarely overlap (I had to wait more than a week to follow up our previous conversation), and it's pot luck whether you get a quiet enough moment or not. Again I really could've stood and talked with her for ages; it felt like barely scratching the surface.

    Of course, it's not a two-way street. I would say that her response to me is no more than "politely patient" at the moment. I guess what I want to ask here is:

    Do you think that already sounds the death knell for any hopes of mine? (I think it does, personally.) Or is there room for these kind of things to evolve?

    The main problems would be: the already mentioned fact that our shifts rarely overlap (how is someone as bland as me supposed to build any kind of rapport with so little time to work with?); the very obvious gulf between us in the looks department (I should imagine she must be someone who finds herself, to borrow @Rui's phrasing, "swimming in people showing interest"); and the undeniable age gap (I must have probably around a decade on her. How creepy must that be?).

    I'd love be able to throw caution to the wind like @Vashdaman can, since the workplace is unavoidably restrictive in terms of opportunity for conversation, but I should imagine that there's the very real danger of doing irreparable damage to what precious little I've been able to build so far. Am I right in thinking that? Is patience the key here? I'd be easily willing to fall flat on my face if it turns out she's already attached, though. It would be worth that.

    If you'd offered me this situation only a month ago, I'd have bitten both your arms off for it and devoured your whole body, but I don't feel like I'm exactly doing cartwheels with joy. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I'm probably already punching well above my weight with what I have already. Perhaps this is what @serpantino meant about swapping one set of problems for another? It's still a set of problems I'll gladly take.

    I learnt that our shifts overlap again in a couple of days. (I asked her.) I literally beg of you good folks for some input. Thanks.
  2. serpantino

    serpantino Straw Hat Pirate

    It's an important subject I think. It is a pretty strong pull in life!

    It's probably best to back off a little, just be friendly-casual, don't strain to find something to talk about etc. Relax and see how it goes and don't get too caught up on her as she might not be interested, if she is she'll put some effort in too.

    Think of her more as a potential friend.
    st_owly and Neil.T like this.
  3. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    Thanks for the input, @serpantino.

    That's genuinely valuable advice, coming from someone such as yourself who's had proven success. ;)
    You're right. It's very easy to get fixated, I think. That's a pitfall.

    You make a very compelling point there. I know within myself that I'm simply just not cut out for all this, simply going by my own track record. The problem lies in that I'm wired to want this just as much as anyone else.

    But I obviously just don't have it in me. I mean, that's just common sense by this point. There's some crucial ingredients I must be lacking, or I'm consistently doing something wrong. I still haven't worked out what it is. I maybe never will.

    I used to think that my appearance was my main deficiency and that I could hopefully at least fall back on my character. But I've think I've learnt from this forum, where that factor is removed, that my very personality is probably just as problematic!
  4. Rui

    Rui Karamatsu Boy Administrator

    If she's talking about her (or her friend's) interests to that degree, she's obviously not completely bored by your presence. That would generally elicit a bunch of monosyllabic replies and no reciprocation after being asked about things. It slays my partner when people don't seem to notice me desperately trying to end a conversation that way...

    So long as you back off if she shows she really isn't interested, I don't think there's anything wrong with continuing it. She might be a guarded person and secretly looking forward to talking to you again, or she might just be a polite person making small talk. The only way to find out is to talk to her again a few days from now!

    serpantino likes this.
  5. ayase

    ayase Godhand

    The longer I'm alive the more I blame verbal communication for creating all this nonsense. I think we should probably just rip out everyone's vocal chords and replace them with wifi antennas and you can let choose to let people "discover you on the network" and access your thoughts or not. But then we wouldn't have singing, and I quite like singing.

    I think I probably belong with an uncontacted tribe somewhere that hasn't discovered language yet, where if you like someone you I dunno, just go and hug them in a particular way or something and if they like you they reciprocate, if they don't they hit you. That would be much, much better.
    Strat and IncendiaryLemon like this.
  6. Lord Bacchus

    Lord Bacchus Dandy Guy, in Space

    I thought I'd weigh in on this since I read the last few pages and was quite heartened to learn that there are people out there similar to myself. On one level I did know that my situation couldn't possibly be unique, but when you're surrounded with people who have no trouble whatsoever with relationships and friendships (at least starting them) it certainly can seem that way!

    Niel, I am not exactly the most experienced in these matters since I have only plucked up the courage to try and ask someone out twice. The first time was so similar to your experience that I actually gasped a little, although in retrospect it may have actually been a little worse. :D I asked someone out at the age of 18 and they said yes. I got their number, and I was elated beyond belief for the whole day, but when I used the number, she had actually given me her brother's number and told him in no uncertain terms to tell me she wasn't interested (I say that, but the words he used were too crass for me to repeat here), and after that I pretty much gave up. I don't believe I did anything offputting to deserve that since I'm far too shy to say anything which could be misconstrued as hostile or assertive, but that's just how it went.

    The second time was very similar to your current situation, only in the reverse, as she was around five years older than myself, and this was when I was about 20. Like in your case she was someone I knew who shared an interest in anime and such, and it started as a friendship, although we met online, not in person initially. We happened to live close enough together for us to meet regularly, so I spent months as a friend before asking her. This was reciprocated in my case, and we were together for nearly four years. If you're given the opportunity then I would say that an age gap is not something to worry about, even if the age gap in my case was not as large. Although I am now talking about this in the past tense, I have no regrets that I did try. Like yourself, it is the most terrifying thing I can think to do, which is why I've only managed it on two occasions.
  7. Lord Bacchus

    Lord Bacchus Dandy Guy, in Space

    I will go on to talk about my own problems a bit now, if everyone here would indulge me a bit on that. I'll echo some of the points stated earlier, that being in a relationship is not always all it would seem it's cracked up to be. In my case it only took around a couple months before problems started to emerge. She was clinically depressed. After the initial elation that I felt of finally having my feelings reciprocated, our relationship had ups and downs, but was quite clearly on a downward trajectory. You see, prior to meeting her, I was not happy with my life, and had even contemplated whether it was all worth it. She saw something in me that I hadn't thought I possessed, and while we were still friends prior to being together, she convinced me to make a change and attempt to get into university three years late. I ended up going to university at the age of 21, but a few months prior to that was when the issues had begun.

    Jealousy is like poison to a relationship, and having gone to another part of the country to pursue my degree, her own life began to take a turn for the worse, as the depression caused many of her own goals to end in misery. I tried desperately to reassure her that everything was okay, and I would often spend all night reassuring her that I wasn't going to leave and be with someone else just because I was at a university further away, and we couldn't meet quite as often (this baffled me to be honest, as such a thing had never once entered my mind). The issue there was that I had made some friends at university, and a couple of them happened to be girls. Ultimately the problem might have been that my girlfriend was very similar to myself, as she had never been in a relationship either at the time, and she may have misjudged my character (the words "all men are like that" were thrown around a few times).

    Ultimately in my second year I ended up severing ties with the friends I had made, in the hope that it might settle her. I know that wasn't the best thing to do, and I suppose I was just terrified of being alone again. I did everything I could to keep things afloat, but there were other problems. In her current state I think she saw my success in my course as a problem. When I talked of possibly doing postgraduate study she would often get very aloof and upset with me, and a few times accused me of stealing her dreams. On a few other occasions she said that if she had something she alone liked and I started to like it, it would taint it im her eyes. Ultimately we did reach a kind of equilibrium for a while towards the end, but it was never that great. We entered a cycle of her becoming upset with me and "dumping me", only for her to apologise and beg for me back. Really, it probably only lasted so long because of a combination of three things. First, I did and still do love her. Second, fear of being alone again. Third, that whenever I felt like calling it quits and ending things amicably, she would often become to upset when I attempted it that I was afraid she would kill herself. On many occasions she did threaten it, and her suicidal thoughts eventually became all we ever talked about. She would talk to her friends with a look of cheerfulness, but when she talked to me she would only speak of darkness and despair, to the point that I began feeling depressed myself.

    All of this came to a head a couple months ago, when in my third year I became so depressed from the combination of her, and the workload, that I began contemplating suicide. Ultimately I had to take a year's intermission from university, so at the moment I am not doing much at all. The last time I spoke to her I asked her if we could possibly talk about something other than depression, since every time in the last few months when I had brought up something like our mutual interests she had quickly diverted it to talking about her depression. When I asked that she told me "No, all I am is this, and if you won't talk to me about it then all we have is a superficial relationship, and you're not worth it". After I said that if we talked only about this I would keep feeling like dying, she dumped me. I know this is for the best, but since this was my only relationship up until now, it has left me with issues a little deeper than I had when I was only scared to talk to people, since I am now scared to talk to anyone and also afraid of betraying her, since she has left many times before and ultimately come back. As I said in the previous message, I don't regret this, it's just that not sometimes I suppose things don't end well. Though her depression was undeniably the cause, along with a few irreconcilable issues I won't get into here, I do realise now that I was probably in an emotionally manipulative relationship which would have ruined me had I continued to pursue it, but she undeniably loved me, in her own way, so I have at least a little hope that something else may happen in the future, though I don't think I will be ready to even think about attempting anything else for a very long time.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2017
  8. Watanabe Ken

    Watanabe Ken Great Teacher

    One of the Two Manga I ordered from book depositary turned up today unfortunately it was vol 2 so I can't start reading it until I get vol 1 odd that they didn't ship them together
  9. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    @Lord Bacchus: I'm stunned speechless, dude. Well done for posting those messages of yours. I salute your courage.

    For my own part, time and time again in other threads I've clicked "Like" on one of your posts after reading it and thinking "Yes! This guy knows what he's talking about!" So it properly upsets and angers me that these things have happened to you.

    That first anecdote of yours:
    No, you certainly didn't deserve that. That's just a warped and twisted and outright bizarre way to handle anything. Those two can go and f**k each other. I'm sure they'll be very happy together.

    As for your second post, all I can hope to do is answer it by sort of linking it back to the story of my own singular experience, of someone who sadly had their finger on the self-destruct button.

    I'd mentioned before that beyond the time when the person I'd asked out had changed her mind, things got a bit bizarre and complicated. The full story is that I continued to speak to her at work most days. She even loaned/recommended some books to me. She had great taste. (My favourites were The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and Flowers for Algernon.) Eventually, she left to work elsewhere, we said our goodbyes, and I thought that would be that.

    Some months later, an older female former work colleague of mine was planning on going to see a certain film, and the idea came up that we'd both go. In the days before, she asked me "Do you remember Xxxxxx?" [Names removed to protect the innocent! :p] I don't know how much she knew, so I just said "Yeah, of course." She said "She'd like to come along too, if that's okay." Well, it was okay by me!

    To cut a longer story shorter, we all had a fun outing. Towards the end of it, I was suddenly gifted with an opportunity to get Xxxxxx's number. With uncharacteristic decisiveness, I grabbed the chance. (I won't deny it: I did still like her, after all.) Somehow, I'd ended the day with her phone number. (It was a pointless endeavour, in the end: I think she texted me back... twice ever, maybe?)

    So that should have been the end of that, but it still wasn't. I never spoke to Xxxxxx about this directly, but apparently she was being picked on at her new workplace. (My older female colleague told me this.) Long story short again, she left there and came back to work with us.

    This was when the bizarre stuff started. I didn't know this before, but it turned out she was "infatuated" (the gossip-mongers' words, not mine) with her section manager. I heard that, at one staff outing, she caused a bit of a scene by basically throwing herself at him. (The gossip-mongers' account of events; I wasn't there.) Now obviously I'm biased, but I have literally never spoken to one person who thought that this guy was anything other than a total and utter a***hole, with his pompous attitude and generally domineering behaviour. (They were both bi, I understand. Maybe she... identified... with that... or something...?)

    As time went on, Xxxxxx's behaviour became increasingly erratic and cause for alarm. Her lovely curly, sandy-coloured hair that I liked so much got hacked down to nearly nothing and dyed a horrible garish colour. (Personal choice and absolutely nothing to do with me, of course, but still upsetting to see.) She was clearly struggling with self-esteem; she seemed torn by her sexuality and hated her appearance. I sometimes honestly just wanted to grab her by the shoulders and yell sense into her, but you obviously can't do that in the workplace. I couldn't even look at her one time she again attacked how she looked as I hit back "That is not true." I was just so angry; I just wanted to tell her "You are so pretty. Why can't you see that?" I did try to text her sometimes, but she didn't answer and my words never reached her. I had to stand by helplessly.

    It got worse. One time, she made up a complete lie about how, on her way to work, she'd just seen our older female colleague's young daughter (who should've been in nursery at that time of day) accompanied by an unknown man. (I heard this second-hand.) You can imagine how she must've freaked out upon hearing that. Xxxxxx later backtracked on it, saying something like "Oh, I must've imagined it or something." A p**s-poor attempt at attention-seeking? Unsurprisingly, our colleague gave Xxxxxx a wide berth from then on.

    In the end, Xxxxxx was sacked after being caught with... a certain substance in her employee locker. The last I heard of her was a few years ago when a close friend of Xxxxxx's, a girl who worked in my workplace's café, mentioned that she was going to be meeting her at the weekend. "How's she getting on these days?" I asked. After a worrying hesitation, she answered "Yeah, she's... okay." It didn't sound very convincing.

    That close friend died suddenly around two years ago. (The story was all over our local media.) God only knows how Xxxxxx must have taken that.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2017
  10. Lord Bacchus

    Lord Bacchus Dandy Guy, in Space

    I can certainly see many similarities between this person and my ex. Having been around someone with depression for a very long time, one of the things jumps out at me specifically. The one about not being happy with her looks is something I have had to reassure on so many times that the words lost all meaning to me. In the case of my relationship, I hold no illusions, I was definitely the less attractive one, but she would often get into this cycle of self loathing even when I told her that she was by far the prettiest person I'd ever met. This also manifested itself as an obsessiveness with her weight and how her skin looked. She would often tell me things like "if I haven't done any work today I don't deserve to eat anything", which sounded utterly incomprehensible to myself, and she did this for a very long time. Her response towards having eaten something she thought she shouldn't have would be to become incredibly upset over it and tell me she had binged. 99% of the time the thing she described as a binge was just eating like a normal person, or having something sweet. I still have no idea how someone who mostly maintained a weight of 8- 8 and a half stone could think they were fat. :/ Unfortunately this weight thing of hers sometimes had more direct effects on myself too. I am actually a little overweight, but her response to me ever attempting to lose some was to get despondent and try to lose more herself, even though she was the last person who needed to lose weight. It meant that I was torn between wanting to lose weight, and not wanting her to dangerously lose weight. :D
  11. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    @Rui: My god. Thanks yet again for your advice. Where would I be without it?
    Again, I cannot stress enough that that's very much the easy part. I'm pretty much hyper-sensitive to any words or gestures that would indicate that I'm bothering someone.

    You know, Rui, your take on things is very intuitive:
    This had actually occurred to me as well! Believe me, the last thing I want to do is to concoct ready-made excuses for my own shortcomings, but at the same time, your advice in this thread has made me try not to automatically perceive everything quite so negatively.

    Haa!!! I nearly laughed out loud at that! Right now, I'd take anything better than "Oh god, him again" as an opinion of me. (As I'm sure has happened multiple times in the past. :p)
    As I sit here today, I cannot even imagine how it must feel for someone to actually look forward to seeing you. What an amazing thought that is.

    Anyway, with the combined advice of Rui and @serpantino, I at least now know I'm not expected to have to do anything rash. Thanks a ton for that! :D

    Speaking of advice, I've long wanted to ask:
    I know that this is common sense to most people, but I've never actually seen what this looks like first-hand. What does it look like? What would count as "good signs"?

    Yeah, terrifying is exactly the right word, dude. The other day, before I had that conversation I mentioned, I already knew I'd get to see her again that day if I went out of my way a bit, and even that prospect was nerve-wracking. I just felt absolutely wretched. I think I'm actually getting worse. I'd probably have felt less dread and been more at ease facing a firing squad! I was fine once we got talking, though; that was the fun bit.

    Also, full credit to Lord Bacchus for the last paragraph of his second post, bringing up one of the biggest taboo subjects. I'll endeavour to tackle it head-on, too. I personally often think to myself that this will probably eventually be the death of me. I'm not sure that the human mind is designed to cope with such a prolonged period of anguish over something. (I sometimes ponder that I might make a morbidly interesting scientific study.) I know very well that a lot of people deal with much worse things on a daily basis, but I guess this just gets me in a weak spot.

    The problem is when it starts to eat into everything else, as is an increasing problem for me. My concentration span has been absolutely terrible lately. I just can't seem to focus on any kind of passive activity just now without becoming quite despondent. For example, I've been trying to watch a boxset of Otogi Zoshi for about three weeks now, and I can only manage a couple of episodes every few days. I feel like I'm gradually running out of places to hide.

    Full disclosure in spoiler tab:
    I found the opening of A Silent Voice somewhat chilling to watch, and that was partly because I knew pretty much instantly what Shouya was planning. Many moons ago I myself had various notes and reminders prepared for when the time finally came, to make things easier and more streamlined. I tore those up a few years ago, and that genuinely felt very liberating. I've lived the past few years not really understanding what drove me that far. Unfortunately, I feel like I've now remembered.

    I also feel like I'm in a bit of a dangerous position by now. I know that, realistically, there's no way for a beginner like me to make things work out with someone first attempt. That's not even a remotely realistic idea: you'd just make too many stupid mistakes and the other party would quickly get fed up of you. The problem is that I've never been confident in my ability to bounce back from something like that. I mentioned before that I've gotten to be pretty emotionally brittle by this stage, and I think something like that could be the final hammer blow. So, the only other option is to try to just avoid it. But then that's the very thing that's causing the problem. [Repeat thought process.]

    These forums are very important to me, though. I really couldn't overstate that. I've never had something like this to join in with before. This very thread is of tremendous value. I really, genuinely do not know what I would have done without it and the viewpoints so many kind folks have contributed.

    You might surprise yourself, buddy. The gaps in between that you've listed are a lot shorter than mine, and you've already survived something that I'm really not confident that I could. That alone shows great strength and resilience. None of it was your fault: you just got caught up in someone else's self-destructiveness, and yet you still stuck by her when many others wouldn't have. That, too, surely shows your character. You'll pull through this yet! I don't know whether these words have been of any kind of use to you or not, but I do know that I'll be looking forward to reading your continuing contributions to these forums in the meantime. :D
  12. Lord Bacchus

    Lord Bacchus Dandy Guy, in Space

    It's probably going to take a long while. I'll be honest here, I feel a lot worse these days than I ever did before I met her. If I were to miraculously end up in a healthy relationship it would probably be a shock to my system and I'd find myself making stupid mistakes. :D So far, I have no experience of what a normal healthy relationship is supposed to look like. If this had just not happened for my first one it might not feel so earth shattering to me, but I'll have to muddle through somehow.

    To be honest, asking and being accepted like that was such a fluke that I can't imagine a situation where it would happen again. The reason I think I was able to even get as far as that was because she was A. someone I met online who shared interests, who I had known as a friend for a long time, and B. so much like myself that I often felt we were two sides of the same coin, even down to the having never had a relationship of any kind previously. If I had to approach someone more experienced than myself, I would most certainly crumble under the pressure. The friends I mentioned making in the first year of university were likewise a fluke, since they were flatmates, it would have been impossible not to come to know them. :D But after I cut ties in the second year I didn't make any friends at all, and spent the last year and a half isolating myself to my university flat, only coming outside to attend lectures and buy food, and gradually became more and more isolated/depressed. During that time the only people in contact with me with any kind of regularity were my ex (who made it worse), and occasional calls from my family. One of the reasons I find it very difficult to rewatch 'Welcome to the NHK' is because I see so much of myself in the protagonist that it freaks me out a little, although I'm obviously not quite at the exagerrated level displayed there (and I don't plan to make any eroges...yet). :D
    Neil.T likes this.
  13. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    Wow. That literally could not have gone any better! The more I speak to her and the more I learn about her, the more I grow to like her.

    It was actually a lot closer to Rui's version than mine. What?!

    I was absolutely dying of nerves again. It was hard work, and I had to use all my best tactics and intuition to make running into her again seem so casual and coincidental, but I think I pulled it off pretty well! I was very pleasantly surprised by her positive greeting; I'd been worried that I'd made a couple of stupid missteps in conversation last time and was prepared for the worst, but there was no sign of that at all!

    We'd already had a bit of a chat, picking up where we left off last time, and I was waiting by the staff lift as she was about to walk past me. I'd just opened my mouth to spout something to say cheerio for the day and call its quits while I was ahead, when she picked up our conversation from the other day and started asking about the Japanese language course I've got booked. She even said at one point "I'm looking forward to hearing you speak some Japanese when the course is finished." It didn't come across as just some generic pleasantry either; she seemed genuinely intrigued by it. She told me she'd like to study a course to improve her Italian; she has Italian heritage (her grandparents). I didn't know that, and it's fascinating.

    She seemed somehow more relaxed this time, and that made me relax in response. I completely forgot about prickly stuff like how near I was standing, etc. I felt actually really comfortable in her company. We must have been stood there talking for something like half an hour again before I got dragged away to a scheduled training meeting.

    Early in the conversation, I asked whether her anime-watching friend watched Sword Art Online at all, because the film is showing at a couple of nearby cinemas. She wasn't sure, but her friend (she used her friend's actual name this time around) lives miles away anyway. At some point a thought occurred to me, so I nonchalantly suggested "You wouldn't fancy coming along to see the film, would you?" She declined, but seemed to suggest she might have gone to see it if she'd seen any of the actual series. I added that since booking the ticket, I'd seen some not-so-good reviews of it, so maybe couldn't recommend it anyway. I didn't seem like I caused any terminal damage with that, given our chat that followed. Maybe, if nothing else, it sowed the idea that I'd be interested in seeing her outside of work at some future point? (Or am I deluding myself with that?)

    We parted well as well, I thought. I ran into her again before I finished. She mentioned last time that she and her family are celebrating a birthday at the weekend (her brother's), so I brought that up and said I hope you have fun. I asked whether she was in any early shifts next week; she didn't know off the top of her head, but she properly wracked her brains trying to remember! So I said I hoped to run into her again at some point next week and said bye. I even allowed myself a little smile! I really couldn't have wished for anything more: I thought that went really well. :)

    Thanks to @serpantino and Rui for their advice. It helped keep me grounded. And sane!

    To top it off, I popped into HMV on the way home, and they had the twin-pack of Gantz live-action films I'd been hoping to get. What a bonus!

    Today has been a great day for me. If nothing else, I get to keep my memories of today. Even just that's enough for now.
    st_owly and IncendiaryLemon like this.
  14. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    Glad to see yer sense of humour is still intact, dude. :D

    Oh my god, I love Welcome to the NHK. I totally get where you're coming from, though.

    In terms of anime series that are a bit difficult to watch because they feel a bit... near the knuckle, mine would probably be The Tatami Galaxy. If you've seen it, there's a bit in the first episode where the protagonist (who is never named) is goaded into asking out a girl he likes during a busy summer festival scene, and shoved across the bridge where she's walking towards him in the opposite direction. He starts to hyperventilate, his vision goes shaky, and he's drawn as a jittering, blocky mess. He achieves absolutely nothing in the conversation, freezes up and then suddenly says something like "Well, I must be going." He then breathes a sigh of relief, turns back to normal and convinces himself "That went well. That's enough for today." That's still me to a tee, that is. And a lot of other people too, I'm sure, given that it's depicted in the episode as it is! And that line... "I'm not going to lose. I'm not going to lose to pining for love."

    Episode 6 as well, where he freaks out at the idea of physical intimacy, and vows to protect his "long-protected virginity", much to the cowboy's dismay.
    The cowboy represents his penis. :p
    I can't identify with the episode where he chooses the love doll, though. That just wouldn't be my bag. :p

    And the last two episodes are an absolutely terrifying idea to me.
    He's trapped for months in an inescapable maze consisting of countless iterations of the same room.

    @Lord Bacchus: I've been re-reading your posts.
    I'm sure her hypocrisy isn't lost on you, dude, so I'm sure nobody even needs to point that out. What's supposed to be the point of offering someone you care about encouragement to do something and then lashing out at the result?

    Look at how these read when you line them all up:
    There's no "probably" about it, dude: you hit the nail on the head. Who needs all of that grief in their life? She's supposed to care about you, for god's sake. All of the above is a funny way of showing it. Like I said, you just don't need any of that in your life. Nobody does.

    You deserve better, man. I hope you realise that.

    No bloody wonder. That would drag anyone down into the bowels of some kind of hell.

    I can't see how it was a fluke. It didn't work out in the end, but asking her out and hearing a yes as an answer was no fluke. What was it Rui said before?
    End of!

    Well I guess you need to wait for lightning to strike twice. Or even better, put yourself in a spot where lightning will strike twice. I'm not sure about that part yet as I'm still trying find my own way with all of this just now. Anyone got any firmer advice for our Bacchus?
    Nope, I can't agree with that at all. You were friends, weren't you? Well, there you go. How was that a fluke?

    How did your friends react when you cut ties with them?
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
    Lord Bacchus likes this.
  15. Lord Bacchus

    Lord Bacchus Dandy Guy, in Space

    Yeah, I was painfully aware of the fact I was being manipulated, but sometimes knowing it and doing something about it can be very different things. :D Emotional attachments can become very difficult to break. What the heart wants and what your reason knows to be true can often be entirely different things. There were many times when the threat of suicide was a very powerful motivator in stopping me from leaving. Ultimately even if I wanted to break it off, it didn't mean I wanted her to die, and the thought of myself being in some way indirectly "responsible" for her actually killing herself would be more than I could take. My family assured me many times that it wouldn't be my fault even if the worst were to happen, but if it did I would still have blood on my hands. That obviously wasn't the only thing keeping me there of course, but when push came to shove it would often cause me to back down when I thought I had had enough.

    As for the friends I had made, that's a whole different issue. I stand by what I said, that being that I probably only ended up being friends with them because they were flatmates. It's not that I have difficulty chatting with people, but I don't make proper friendships easily, and haven't really made any new ones irl since I left school (except my ex), so when I was put in a situation where I had to make friends I did see it as an opportunity to possibly reinvent myself. For the first few months I tried to keep up with them, but going to university three years late meant they were all 18 year olds, and all wanted to go clubbing and such, which is like my own personal hell. :D I still went other places with them, but there were a few occasions when my ex took issue with me and it put me off (all of the times I ever disclosed my intent to go somewhere with them really). Two things stick in my mind. One time we were going to be going for a Christmas dinner as a group, and for about an hour before I was meant to go, my girlfriend was in a depression and demanding I keep talking. I told her eventually that I had to go, but I made up a lie and said I had to go shopping, because if I told her I was going somewhere with the flatmates then past experience told me it would end badly for me. I can't remember how, but she somehow knew I was lying and forced the truth out of me. She started screaming at me down the phone and I ended up just hanging up and going anyway, but it made me pretty miserable company.

    The other was the worst one. I had been chatting with a girl before a lecture. I can't have talked to her for more than five or ten minutes, but she asked for my Facebook details and saw I had no profile picture, then insisted she took one of me. After I got home, my girlfriend saw I had added this person, saw the picture and argued with me for hours, saying I was cheating, and then also demanded to see the pages of every other female friend I had so that she could test me and see how attractive they were compared to herself. Because I wasn't incredibly close with these people, there wasn't a reaction to me not remaining in contact since I often ended up not going out anywhere with them, and the second year put me in a different building, but I probably would have had a lot more trouble if I hadn't many times been convinced not to go places with them in order to avoid the stress of arguing.

    At the moment I am utterly burnt out on relationships. I can't really see myself making it a priority until I have sorted out some more pressing issues with my life, like making sure I finish the degree next year, getting a job afterwards etc. I'm making some plans at the moment though. When I was still shackled in that relationship I wouldn't have ever thought of going to a foreign country after the degree, but since I am now free to do as I like, I have been strongly considering applying to go to Japan to teach English after my degree. The only requirement appears to be that you are a native speaker with a degree, and since my degree will be English I figure it puts me in a fairly good position to apply, assuming I get the grade I want. I've been playing around with the idea of using a good chunk of the time I have between now and going back to university to start learning Japanese so that I could adapt a bit better when and if I decided to go.
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
    Neil.T likes this.
  16. Rui

    Rui Karamatsu Boy Administrator

    Lots of good news! I'm really pleased you had a good chat with your new friend, Neil; it definitely sound as though at the very least she enjoys talking to you. Hopefully our lovely anime industry will serve up some interesting options now that cinema screenings are happening with increasing frequency!

    And Lord Bacchus, it's good that you're able to talk so groundedly about that experience; while I doubt she meant it, what she did to you was clearly emotional abuse and you've done terribly well to come through it all. I suppose that's one of the nice things about coming to the party a bit late, dating-wise - a lot of people are not very emotionally stable when they're growing up and shy, introverted people tend to be vulnerable to other vulnerable people (stereotyping us all as typical nerdy types here, but I think it's a fairly safe thing to say). It takes a lot of emotional strength to cope with difficult relationships. I've had some friendships involving just a small portion of the behaviours described and they are absolutely exhausting.

    Japan is amazing; I wish I had had the chance to go there and do what you're mulling over. Most people who have done the teaching thing and engaged fully with it (as opposed to hiding in the flats with other English speakers outside of lessons) seem to have got a lot out of the experience.

    st_owly and Neil.T like this.
  17. Neil.T

    Neil.T Hunter

    Yeah, that's too true, isn't it? I've known exactly what you mean.
    And they were right. Call it cold or callous if you like, but my experiences related to the girl from years ago taught me that the only person who can save you is yourself. Other people can offer advice, support or a hundred other things, but the responsibity for pulling through it or otherwise ultimately rests with the individual.
    Oh dear god, clubbing. Yeah. I've never gone, myself. But yeah, that's why not. What a circus that must be.
    That's... every kind of wrong there is. Those are not the actions of a rational person.
    Great. You're doing the best possible thing to start to repair your life, and giving yourself the best possible chances. You're doing exactly the right thing. :)
    Now that's a hell of a plan! Wow, you've really got something amazing in your sights there, dude. That's awe-inspiring.
    You should absolutely do that. Do you know much Japanese at the moment? I know a usable amount, and it's really not the most difficult language to learn. Maybe Rui can back me up on that claim?

    Thanks, Rui! :)
    It's still way too early to even be allowed to count her as a friend or anything, but I'd really like to be able to. I just like her, however it might pan out in the end. (I know it's early days, but I think I'm smitten. :p) I think I've been able to just gently turn a couple of my cards over and leave them lying face up on the table, so to speak, so she probably already has a bit of an idea how I see her. She hasn't frozen me out yet as has happened before! That's what I went into yesterday fearing most of all.

    I'm trying not to spoil things by looking too far ahead, but I had a sneaky peek at the staff roster (well, I say "sneaky", but it's pinned to the wall where you can't miss it) for the next couple of weeks to see when we might run into each other next. I won't see her again until the end of next week. Nooooo! :(

    I'm in a bit of a quandary just now: the following week our shifts don't overlap at all. What am I going to do?

    I feel like I'd like to try to casually ask whether she has any plans for her next days off, and if she doesn't... I don't know: I don't want to rush anything, but at the same time I don't want to waste the momentum. That following week, our shifts only miss overlapping by a little bit. I feel like if I just dithered a bit leaving work I might run into her. I've passed her before further along the road going in opposite directions before we really spoke properly. But then what? Isn't that becoming a bit stalkery?

    Anyway, it's a nice quandary to have. I wouldn't change it for anything.

    Lastly, as I'm still kinda new here:
    I've read bits and pieces in various other threads. How many times have you been to Japan, Rui, if you don't mind me asking?
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2017
  18. Buzzkillington

    Buzzkillington Pokémon Master

    I have a mate who left to do this for a year after Uni 6-7 years ago and he never came back, he actually just informed us that he is getting married next year and asked if we would all be able to travel over for the wedding. I'm pretty sure he doesn't teach English anymore but he did for a couple of years, I'm forever jealous of him for doing it tbh as if I could, I'd leave today lol good luck with it, sounds very exciting.
  19. NormanicGrav

    NormanicGrav The Eagle-Eyed Member Moderator

    Changing the mood on this thread to a positive, I have finally fixed my Calendar that I had to put up with for weeks. For days I wanted to pester Teapot for support but I decided I shouldn't, so today I tried to see in close detail what is actually going wrong.

    For starters a majority of the code is actually external but it had to be tweaked because it was using MySQL instead of MySQLi and was missing a few things. After adding the code in, the actual Calendar does display. It looked like this (before I added some extra tweaks to the CSS):


    Then I decided to investigate the SQL database as I thought that was the issue. It did require some minor changes but it wasn't going to resolve the situation regardless. So the first step I did was to use the printf method that Teapot used when he helped me set up the Timetable a few weeks back. It turns out that the SQL does work, but it wouldn't display on the calendar whatsoever. I also was able to do a WHERE AND statement so that I can have a unique ID filter (so that the info only displays whoever logs in) and so that the Calendar can get its Year & Month statements on the Query. The result was able to display the array data within those months so database wise it was working 100%.

    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    On the verge of getting annoyed I decided to pay better attention to the feedback from the site where I got the source code from, and I noticed a lot of them had issues similar to mine. So after spending ages reading, I found a user who added a list day function type to their code. And to my surprise this was the key to getting the data to display!

    And now it looks like this:


    This feels so rewarding that I literally want to take the day off, but I can't because I don't have much time left to sort out this final year project. The deadline for everything is on Monday 24th April - that's this deliverable and the 8000 word report. I have some CSS stuff to tweak and then I'm calling it there for the deliverable - a polished deliverable is better than an incomplete quantity of stuff.
    serpantino likes this.
  20. MrLaserSharkKH

    MrLaserSharkKH Stand User

    It's been a busy week, a week last Friday I had an interview for a job as an Office, Stockroom and Data Input person, the following Wednesday I got an email saying I got the job which is excellent news, but I was also asked if I could start work the next day, so I worked the Thursday on short notice. The place I work deals primarily with mail order Comics and Graphic Novels and man you've never seen so many of those things in one place, they literally are everywhere (even in the kitchen). In the afternoon I carried a whole load of comic board boxes and those things aren't too heavy (not light either) but when your carrying quite a few of them up a spiral staircase it gets a bit tricky after a bit, that was tough thought I was going to pass out for a moment, I can certainly understand why my new boss said you ache like a mother... at the end of the day, Pretty much fell asleep not long after I got in! But it was a good start to precedings and I look forward to seeing what the week coming throws at me after the rest of the Easter Break!