Relationships and Romance

Foxfire-Nova said:
So let me see if I’ve got this right - plenty of experience, lots of different partners offering lots of variety, feeling good at knowing I’ve got the skill, looks and history of being with lots of people and having the stories and experience to back it up;

Why WOULDN’T I want that?
Click to expand...

I think what he means is that there's no shame in waiting for the right girl to come along and have her be your sole romantic partner as opposed to sleeping around. Those kind of guys (generally speaking) lack any sort of commitment and could potentially be worse off in the long run.
 
ayase said:
Well a couple of them ended up in relationships with people not of my gender, that's always a particularly good twist.
Click to expand...
That is a good twist. I had something vaguely along those lines happen as well once, many moons ago. The one last year is still my favourite, though: that was on par with Hideaki Anno gleefully kicking poor Shinji around.

ayase said:
Because while the things that make me happy might not have value to other people or to society, frankly, f*** 'em.
Click to expand...
Yeah... that's kind of the bit that's become rather a problem for me: "things that make me happy". There are certainly things I get enjoyment out of, but it's very short-lived. Things like travel are pretty much out of the question, because I reckon the melancholy of solo adventuring would probably kill me. Hmm...

I learnt last year that I apparently have the symptoms of bipolar type II, so there's the possibility that could be part of it. I haven't done anything about it, though, because I have an awful opinion of GPs. It took SEVEN YEARS just to get my asthma diagnosed, for christ sake! And that's a physical ailment with very obvious outward symptoms. Then there was the difficulty in even getting an appointment for my tendonitis a couple of years ago, despite the fact I was in literal screaming agony with it at some points.

So, you know, **** 'em.
 
IncendiaryLemon said:
I think what he means is that there's no shame in waiting for the right girl to come along and have her be your sole romantic partner as opposed to sleeping around. Those kind of guys (generally speaking) lack any sort of commitment and could potentially be worse off in the long run.
Click to expand...

I’m less fussed about wanting “the right” person. I just want to look at other guys and know I’m not less experienced than them, and occasionally I want to look at a girl and know I’ve kissed them, or slept with them, or anything in between. Every fibre of my being is screaming at me that this should all be coming to me effortlessly and I just want that to be true.

And to be honest, even if I was with “the right” person right now - my lack of experience would still bug me, and even if I was going out with her and I was happy I would still want to have the memories of being with other people besides her. I’m unwilling to “settle down” right now until I can mess around a bit more.
 
How would you know it's the right girl without something to compare it to.

It's like ice scream, your never going to know your favourite unless you try different flavours ;)
 
Foxfire-Nova said:
I’m less fussed about wanting “the right” person. I just want to look at other guys and know I’m not less experienced than them, and occasionally I want to look at a girl and know I’ve kissed them, or slept with them, or anything in between. Every fibre of my being is screaming at me that this should all be coming to me effortlessly and I just want that to be true.

And to be honest, even if I was with “the right” person right now - my lack of experience would still bug me, and even if I was going out with her and I was happy I would still want to have the memories of being with other people besides her. I’m unwilling to “settle down” right now until I can mess around a bit more.
Click to expand...

At the end of the day, what would that achieve other than bragging rights? You can look at a girl and know you've kissed them or whatever else, but I think an actual relationship, even if it's not with 'the one' would still be far more rewarding, at least I think. I can understand at least wanting to get your v-card gone, I'm in the same boat there, but if it's meaningless, what are you getting out of it other than a couple of minutes of happiness that would only ring hollow in the long run? You shouldn't feel the need to compete with the guys who woo girls only to get in their pants and then immediately stop wanting anything to do with them, those guys are dicks.
 
Foxfire-Nova said:
I’m less fussed about wanting “the right” person. I just want to look at other guys and know I’m not less experienced than them, and occasionally I want to look at a girl and know I’ve kissed them, or slept with them, or anything in between.
Click to expand...
Wow, that's awful. Egotistical, much? o_O
 
Watanabe Ken said:
How would you know it's the right girl without something to compare it to.

It's like ice scream, your never going to know your favourite unless you try different flavours ;)
Click to expand...

Exactly, why would I want to have the same flavour over and over when I can try different kinds?

IncendiaryLemon said:
At the end of the day, what would that achieve other than bragging rights? You can look at a girl and know you've kissed them or whatever else, but I think an actual relationship, even if it's not with 'the one' would still be far more rewarding, at least I think. I can understand at least wanting to get your v-card gone, I'm in the same boat there, but if it's meaningless, what are you getting out of it other than a couple of minutes of happiness that would only ring hollow in the long run? You shouldn't feel the need to compete with the guys who woo girls only to get in their pants and then immediately stop wanting anything to do with them, those guys are dicks.
Click to expand...

Well for one thing, I’ve spent my entire life around guys like that, hearing about things they’ve done with girls and the stories they have to say and not having anything to contribute with makes me feel inferior - don’t forget I was given the impression from a young age that these things would come to me incredibly easily so that makes me feel even more left out.

They might be “dicks”, but they’re living the sort of lifestyle I want to live, and I’m trying to find a way to live that sort of lifestyle without being a nasty person who girls don’t like - that’s my problem, finding a balance seems impossible.
 
Foxfire-Nova said:
Well for one thing, I’ve spent my entire life around guys like that, hearing about things they’ve done with girls and the stories they have to say and not having anything to contribute with makes me feel inferior - don’t forget I was given the impression from a young age that these things would come to me incredibly easily so that makes me feel even more left out.

They might be “dicks”, but they’re living the sort of lifestyle I want to live, and I’m trying to find a way to live that sort of lifestyle without being a nasty person who girls don’t like - that’s my problem, finding a balance seems impossible.
Click to expand...

Hmm, I mean, obviously, you know what you want, but I just think it's not something you should be aspiring to be like. I'm in quite a similar situation, at work, everyone knows I'm a massive virgin, and pretty much everyone I work with has either settled down, or can get girls quite easily, and they'll often talk about stuff like relationship issues or sex, and I do feel very left out and quite envious, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'd want to sacrifice my own personality to get to the point they're at. Sure, I could change myself, I could discard all my anime and related merchandise, I could stop playing video games, I could listen to 'trendy' music, I could go to nightclubs, I could become a big gym nut, and that might, if I was lucky, might lead to me getting somewhere with someone, but would it be worth trading in myself in exchange? No, of course not. I'd much rather just find a single girl who could accept me for being me, rather than change myself wholly on the pretense of getting laid. I just think it might be worth reevaluating what your goals are and if what you want to accomplish. Sure, you may not be like those other guys, but so what? It's okay to be different. I'd like to think the people who you hang out with would be supportive of you, and not make you feel bad.
 
Let's bear in mind @Foxfire-Nova did mention he's on the autistic spectrum.

While in terms of attitude, I don't agree with a lot of the things you're saying Foxfire (my concern would be that you're judging yourself harshly based on peer-pressure and have invested too much in the fairly unhealthy attitudes of modern society - but ultimately someone's choice in how to live their lives is up to them) but I do understand the desperation to live life's full range of experiences... y'know, before it's over. I mean pretty much all my regrets are centred on missing out on things - I'll never know what it's like to be young and in love for instance. I'll never know what it's like to be a teenager and go out with friends and things like that, because I didn't do these things when I should have done. All we can control is the present and the future and when it feels like you can't even bend that to your will, even if you're trying, it can be very frustrating.

Neil.T said:
Yeah... that's kind of the bit that's become rather a problem for me: "things that make me happy". There are certainly things I get enjoyment out of, but it's very short-lived. Things like travel are pretty much out of the question, because I reckon the melancholy of solo adventuring would probably kill me. Hmm...
Click to expand...
Anhedonia is an old and still occasional friend of mine, so I can understand that feeling. But I don't really think it would be my place to try and offer any remedies. If you ever feel you need any help with that Neil, please do seek it out. It is good to talk with friends about these things, but I think we're all a bit too screwed up to really be able to help one another.
 
Last edited:
IncendiaryLemon said:
Hmm, I mean, obviously, you know what you want, but I just think it's not something you should be aspiring to be like. I'm in quite a similar situation, at work, everyone knows I'm a massive virgin, and pretty much everyone I work with has either settled down, or can get girls quite easily, and they'll often talk about stuff like relationship issues or sex, and I do feel very left out and quite envious, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'd want to sacrifice my own personality to get to the point they're at. Sure, I could change myself, I could discard all my anime and related merchandise, I could stop playing video games, I could listen to 'trendy' music, I could go to nightclubs, I could become a big gym nut, and that might, if I was lucky, might lead to me getting somewhere with someone, but would it be worth trading in myself in exchange? No, of course not. I'd much rather just find a single girl who could accept me for being me, rather than change myself wholly on the pretense of getting laid. I just think it might be worth reevaluating what your goals are and if what you want to accomplish. Sure, you may not be like those other guys, but so what? It's okay to be different. I'd like to think the people who you hang out with would be supportive of you, and not make you feel bad.
Click to expand...

They might not so much as “make me feel bad”, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. Most people that know don’t say anything but at any point if my lack of experience comes up, I feel embarrassed. I feel like I have a hell of a lot of making up for lost time to do but every time I get close to someone and I think of all the hoops I have to jump through - texting, meeting up, dates, meeting the parents, building trust, deepening connections until they’re finally ready to get busy - it all seems really long-term and too much effort, so I lose interest. Those things are nice if both parties are interested, but I don’t always feel it should be necessary.

I was chatting to a girl last month who I wasn’t MASSIVELY into, but I could tell we had chemistry so I kept the conversation going. We had a bit of a flirty banter and I could tell she was into me, but she wasn’t the sort of person I would openly date. Would I go there? Absolutely, but I wouldn’t want it to be an ongoing thing.

Now here was my issue - I wouldn’t want to just go there and get lost, because I wasn’t prepared to put up with any sort of drama afterwards should I go about it the way I wanted to - in short, I cared about her feelings and didn’t want to mess her about, but at the same time I felt like it would be nice to look at her in the future and remember what we could have done. But even then there were other factors - let’s say we had sex, where would it be? We couldn’t go to my house cause it’s not ideal, if I went to hers would I have to meet anyone in her family? I can’t be arsed with any of that, I just want the deed done.

The thing stopping me from living that sort of lifestyle is that I DO care about girls feelings, and if I was with a lot of people then I wouldn’t be caring about their feelings would I?

That’s my main problem - I’m trying to find a way to be both.
 
Watanabe Ken said:
The girl with daddy issues gets her self esteem boosted he gets what he wants, which is to sleep around without hurting any feelings.
Click to expand...

I more mean when you're forced to pick out pictures of yourself to put on display for all to see, which if you're anything like me, is an incredibly tough job when you have a face like a car crash. Second, you're then forced to write about yourself, which can serve as some bleak introspection as you realise you have nothing to say about yourself that isn't endlessly self pitying or a hobby that would make the majority of the Tinder user base run 10 miles in the opposite direction. If you can get through the soul sucking process of your profile creation to get to the actual swiping part, what little remains of your dwindling self-esteem is then eradicated when you swipe literally every girl until you run out of likes and discover you can't get a single match with any female in your area.
 
I’ve actually not had much bad luck on Tinder, at least in terms of matches. I don’t get several every day or anything like that, but I’ve had quite a lot over the last few years... however I’m also one of those people who swipes left on everyone, so a lot of the time I find myself umatching half of them.

And most of the time when they message me first I don’t respond cause I don’t think they’re pretty enough...

I’m not proud of thinking like this but it’s a mental habit. I like knowing I’ve turned plenty of people down, makes a change from actually being turned down.
 
Foxfire-Nova said:
I’ve actually not had much bad luck on Tinder, at least in terms of matches. I don’t get several every day or anything like that, but I’ve had quite a lot over the last few years... however I’m also one of those people who swipes left on everyone, so a lot of the time I find myself umatching half of them.

And most of the time when they message me first I don’t respond cause I don’t think they’re pretty enough...

I’m not proud of thinking like this but it’s a mental habit. I like knowing I’ve turned plenty of people down, makes a change from actually being turned down.
Click to expand...

Congrats, you've already got me beat.
 
Have you tried being less picky you don't have to marry them just play around a bit to boost your confidence, you must have found them a little bit attractive in the first place or you wouldn't have swiped right.
 
Neil.T said:
Sounds like yet another potential option to pre-emptively cross off my list, then.

I'm totally with Lemon on this. Like, 1,000%. It sounds... just another horror.
Click to expand...

I mean hey, by all means, try it. I still have it and attempt to use it on occasion, but the stark horror of being forced to sell yourself to the opposite sex and realising (potentially) you have nothing to show is quite depressing.
 
Back
Top