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- Thread starter Tachi
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I know, I know. It's just... that's the only way I can see things. Thanks for the realistic viewpoint as always, @serpantino. You're genuinely informative.
It's funny, because Vash's post made me think about how much I've had to repeatedly revise down my hopes as time has gone on. In all truthfulness, my list of life's ambitions is now down to:
- See the last Evangelion film.
That can't be healthy.
(Great. That's everyone cheered up a treat now.)
serpantino
Thousand Master
you seem to worry prematurely about everything Vash. You should focus on your anxiety before worrying about hunting ladies or what to do when you've got one or you'll just keep falling at the first hurdle and then you'll get even more paranoid the next time and further reduce your chances in a vicious loop. Relationships don't cure you unfortunately and my previous one years ago fell apart because of my own issues & paranoia.
In my (limited) experience women like a man who's confident, assertive, and who doesn't second guess too much; at least initially. Once you're both comfortable in a relationship then it becomes more balanced and you can open up about your own hangups but early on it needs to be more about theirs.
If you can't do it then practice faking it, it worked for me. Everytime I was paranoid about something I'd push it back, delete the texts before sending etc.
edit: if it seems like I'm being cruel at any time in my responses to anyone, it's not my intention. I've been in the same place and I've learnt that you need to know when to push and when to stand back and reinforce. You can't win a war just by charging repeatedly, you need to be equipped to win first.
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st_owly (witch)
Time-Traveller
My requirements for a partner aren't that difficult. Don't be an asshole is the main one. You don't need to be mega assertive or anything like that, just being happy with who you are will do the trick (easier said than done I know). I'd far far rather go out with a happy but not so attractive person than a super attractive misery guts.
I've done the anxiety and paranoia thing before. A good person will let you tell them about it and support you through it once you're more comfortable with each other as serpantino said. I'll tell you right now the beginning of a relationship isn't easy for us women either. We worry about being too clingy and needy.
I've done the anxiety and paranoia thing before. A good person will let you tell them about it and support you through it once you're more comfortable with each other as serpantino said. I'll tell you right now the beginning of a relationship isn't easy for us women either. We worry about being too clingy and needy.
IncendiaryLemon
Captain Karen
Not sure you're actually able to answer this, but is this actually a common viewpoint, or are most women generally put off by looks? Even though I wouldn't consider myself happy, I try not to let it show in the way I act on the outside, although it doesn't seem to be giving me much luck, unfortunately. I realise this could be due to a host of factors, but I am generally interested.
st_owly (witch)
Time-Traveller
I really can't speak for anyone other than myself. I know some girls won't even talk to a guy if they consider him "ugly" (YMMV on definition of ugly) Being brutally honest, my previous partners have been all over the place on the looks scale, and some of them would definitely not be attractive to a lot of women. But, I found them physically attractive because I liked them as people. I think I've mentioned further up this thread that a big part of physical attraction for me is personality. I can still appreciate one of my exes' looks, and objectively he is definitely very good looking, but I am not in the least bit physically attracted to him any more despite us still being friends.
IncendiaryLemon
Captain Karen
Appreciate the honest answer! I suppose it does give the some vague sense of hope that not every girl out there is so judgemental on appearance, my looks being something I'm generally not confident in.
st_owly (witch)
Time-Traveller
If people are going to judge you for something as superficial as your appearance, they're probably not worth bothering with. As long as you take care of yourself and keep yourself clean and tidy then you're well on the way. Regarding the confidence, fake it till you make it. If you don't look like something off Jeremy Kyle, you're fine. Once again, if people are going to judge you for something as superficial as your appearance, they're probably not worth bothering with.
IncendiaryLemon
Captain Karen
Well, I'd like to hope I look ever so slightly above your average Jeremy Kyle guest. I have low confidence, but I don't think I'm quite at that level just yet! My general attitude to my appearance, at least on the outside, has leaned into self deprecation as opposed to confidence, acknowledging and making fun of my not so great looks in the hopes of showing some self awareness or maybe some wit. Not exactly sure if this was the correct approach to take.
st_owly (witch)
Time-Traveller
Emotion shows in your face. You know how when someone smiles for real, and it's just the most amazing thing? They look so animated and happy and wonderful. You can't fake that. Even "ugly" people can look amazing when they smile (I hate the word ugly but I can't think of a better one to use at the moment). Likewise when people get really animated talking about something they enjoy. You might not know anything about it, but damn if it makes them that happy then let them talk about it aaaaaall day.
Whereas someone who's "pretty" can look incredibly dour if they have a crappy personality. It works both ways.
Self deprecation works to a point, but you kind of have to have the confidence in yourself to begin with to pull it off. It comes over very differently from someone who's confident compared to someone who's not. With someone who's confident, it tends to be funny, with someone who's not, it often just comes across as "woe is me." Take my height for example, I've always been short, it doesn't bother me any more, so I can laugh at it with people and that comes through. Thinking back to when I wasn't so confident, it was more like people were laughing at me rather than with me when I made fun of it.
Whereas someone who's "pretty" can look incredibly dour if they have a crappy personality. It works both ways.
Self deprecation works to a point, but you kind of have to have the confidence in yourself to begin with to pull it off. It comes over very differently from someone who's confident compared to someone who's not. With someone who's confident, it tends to be funny, with someone who's not, it often just comes across as "woe is me." Take my height for example, I've always been short, it doesn't bother me any more, so I can laugh at it with people and that comes through. Thinking back to when I wasn't so confident, it was more like people were laughing at me rather than with me when I made fun of it.
serpantino
Thousand Master
People get too hung up on looks I think. There's people out there with all kinds of tastes and you're bound to suit somebody even if you're not what society pushes as attractive.
IncendiaryLemon
Captain Karen
I'd like to think that I pull it off but I have no idea if my true feelings betray me.
Wow, that goes to show you how something that's an issue for one person really isn't an issue for someone else. The girl I had a big crush on all the way through secondary school was short in stature. She was great.
Where you say 'short', I say 'petite'.
Eh?!? Really? Why?
Another massive revelation for me. I had no idea that was even a factor.
Thinking out loud again, I'm just glad I don't prattle on in real life like I seem to in this thread. As impossible as it might seem, in real life I'm actually the guy always trying to get a laugh out of people. And I do succeed.
That doesn't seem to work for me either, though.
(Woe is me.)
I remind you again, Lemon, that time is very much your ally; I can't emphasise that enough, as much as I try. Your age doesn't even start with a '2' yet!
I wish someone had told me this at your age. Please listen to me, dude!
st_owly (witch)
Time-Traveller
Because we think if we come across as clingy and needy it's off putting
IncendiaryLemon
Captain Karen
Patient-X
Railgun
I hated turning 20, not as much as turning 30 though. I hated turning 40 even more. Luckily by the time I turned 50 I had more important things to worry about like not peeing when I sneezeGive it a month
Lord Bacchus
Student Council President
The political system has officially imploded! Tory-DUP coalition in a desperate bid to maintain power with the only other party that wants anything to do with them. Everybody panic! The end is nigh!
Lord Bacchus
Student Council President
Oh don't get me wrong, I only started thinking about the horrible implications of the coalition after I was done laughing about it. I like to think it won't last too long either way.
Obviously I can only speak for myself, but I'd imagine that if someone I liked actually wanted to spend time with me or seemed to be counting on me for anything then, far from it being off-putting, I'd find that tremendously heartening. I'm much better at getting up off my ar*e to do something if it's for someone else's benefit other than my own. That's kind of when I really come alive.Because we think if we come across as clingy and needy it's off putting
I was okay about turning 20. Though I do remember thinking at the time, for some reason, "Well, I suppose I'll have to act all responsible and **** now."
If anything, I probably had my **** together better then than I do now. I've regressed since then!
Wow, for once, my post isn't even the most-depressing thing in the thread – not when there's The Politics around.
