Here's all the complete sketches I wrote for these two characters several years ago, thought people here might enjoy them (for the record, I would like to note that Commander Will is not actually threatening anyone with torture for real in the first skit, he just wants to help Gary out by giving him a motivation to eat the chicken!)
1 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 1.
“Sir, this roast chicken is awfully dry”
“Good god man put some mayonnaise on it, or some BBQ sauce or something! Who eats roast chicken on it’s own? Unless it’s fresh out of the oven. Or they’re under threat of torture…
…that brings back some unpleasant memories.”
“Sir, I don’t have any mayonnaise, or BBQ sauce.”
“Do you have anything else to put on it?”
“I think we have some turmeric. But I don’t like turmeric.”
“Well, can’t you just throw it away?”
“Sir that would be rather wasteful.”
“Well, if I threaten you with torture would that get you psyched about eating it?”
“Oh yes sir, I’ll eat it right away.”
“Good. See, you can solve a problem if you discuss it."
2 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 2.
“Sir, can I have the day off?”
“What for?”
“I’m, er, going on a date.”
“Oh god, I haven’t been on a date in years. I was in love once Gary, Gary, have you ever been in love?”
“I’m not sure Sir. What’s it like?”
“Awful! You get stomach cramps and have to wear special devices to prevent your bleeding heart from leaking everywhere! But god I miss them! I miss them everyday, my precious genderqueer, lion-bearded, purple and blue tutu-wearing angel…
sob sob sob E-excuse me, I have something in my heart, can, can someone get me an Aloe Vera tissue please?”
“Yes sir, I’ll get you one right away.”
“Thank you Gary. Enjoy your date.”
“You mean-“
“Yes, yes you can have the day off, just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know what that entails Sir, could you perhaps write me a list?”
“Just get out of here Gary. Where’s that tissue!?”
3 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 3.
“Gary, what’s that in your hand?”
“Which hand sir?”
“The one with something in it Gary.”
“Oh! It’s a footlong.”
“Well of course I can see that Gary, you know that I won an award for being able to accurately judge measurements from a distance at Commander Academy, but what is it?”
“Sorry Sir, it’s a sandwich.”
“What’s a sandwich? Is it dangerous?”
“Not usually Sir. It’s edible fillings between two or more slices of bread, or a roll or baguette that’s been sliced in half.”
“Edible you say? That sounds quite appealing. Not dangerous at all.”
“Would you like to try a bite sir?”
“I’m not quite convinced at this point Gary. Do we mean “deliciously edible” or “just barely edible but still kind of gross?””
“Well Sir, this one contains sliced tomatoes and boiled eggs. How do you feel about that?”
“I have a lot of emotions about that Gary, thank you for asking.”
“Oh, you’re welcome! Erm, is one of your emotions the one that makes you want to try the sandwich?”
“It’s alright Gary, it’s your sandwich.”
“Thank you Sir. If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure Gary. Gary, go and make me a sandwich with sliced tomatoes and boiled eggs.”
“Yes Sir. Right away!”
4 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 4.
“Sir, it’s that time of year again.”
“What time of year Gary?”
“The time that the ship’s crew stage our annual musical!”
“Is it strictly necessary for me to get involved? I’m kind of busy with… uh… this paperwork…”
“OK then Sir. I’ll-“
“-and… uh… my headquarters needs a bit of a tidy…”
“It’s really alright Sir. Let me just-“
“Oh Gary, you can see right through me! I’m in the middle of marathoning the Naruto filler episodes and my stress levels are very high! Why do I do this to myself Gary?”
“I don’t know Sir, but I do have this handy guide I found telling you which episodes to skip, it was handed out at a “preventing homicidal behaviour on outer space missions” seminar.”
“Gary, be honest, are you stalking me?”
“I’m your personal assistant Sir, one tends to notice these things.”
“…that does make logical sense Gary. I apologise for casting asparagus.”
“You mean aspersions Sir.”
“I do have aspirations Gary.”
“That’s wonderful Sir.”
“What are your aspirations Gary?”
“I wanted to open a shelter for abandoned kittens Sir.”
“Who would abandon a kitten Gary? Are you sure that really happens?”
“Unfortunately yes Sir. Some people are so poor they can’t care for a pet. Others are unkind. There are a variety of reasons.”
“You know Gary, I think I need some cheering up. Shall we compose a song for this musical?”
“Really Sir? You know you don’t have to-“
“Let’s just do it Gary. Now, what’s this musical about?”
“Pirates Sir.”
“I love parrots Gary.”
“Well there are parrots in it Sir. Shall we compose a song about them?”
“Let’s see now, uh, parrots, they have feathers not fur… parrots, they never purr, parrots, you won’t find them drinking milk… ummm…”
“Sir, I think this song is turning into a song about cats. Would you prefer to write a song about cats? I”m sure we can incorporate cats into a story about pirates if we try hard enough!”
“No, you’re right Gary, I’ll get this song back on topic, parrots, their plumage is like silk, parrots, they squawk and ask for crackers, parrots, a swarm will leave you knackered, parrots, they’re not all that keen on boxes, parrots, they… ummm… ain’t no lummoxes… have I gotten the song back on track Gary?”
“Mostly Sir. Do you want to write more or shall I get Shirley from food cube development to work on it? She’s very good. She managed to stage a one woman performance of Grease with just an accordion last year.”
“Well, she does sound impressively talented Gary. I was kind of enjoying writing a song about cats though,”
“You mean parrots Sir?”
“Yes, yes, you’re right Gary, parrots! I must stay in sync with the artistic vision of the show! Am I being a diva Gary?”
“Don’t let it worry you Sir.”
“I’ll try not to Gary. I think I will take that Naruto filler guide.”
“Yes of course Sir. I think I’ll go and talk to Shirley from food cube development.”
5 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 5.
“Hello S-“
“AAAAGGGGGHHHH!
pant pant Oh Gary, it’s just you. Sorry about that.”
“That’s alright Sir. You seem distressed?”
“I am undressed Gary.”
“Yes, I can see that Sir. Did something scare you?”
“Well you scared me a bit Gary, but that’s not really your fault.”
“You’re not usually scared of me Sir. Was there something else that scared you before that?”
“Well you see Gary…
…I’ve been watching Supernatural again.”
“Sir, you know this always happens whenever you get entangled in the lives of the Winchester brothers.”
“There was a clown Gary! A scary, evil clown!”
“Yes Sir. Would it help if I got the puppy?”
“Really? Yes Gary! Gary get the puppy Gary, the puppy I want to see the puppy!”
“Right then.”
INTERMISSION BEGINS
Buy dog pops for your pooch
And they’ll give you a smooch
With a mouth that’s nice and cool
And a minimum of drool
This aftershave is totally awesome and will make chicks totally dig you and a surfboard will magically appear and you’ll become a really good surfer and have lots of muscles and the sun will shine when people look at your faaaace… …oh yeaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Let’s all go to the bobby
Let’s all go to the bobby
Let’s all go to the bobby
Get ourselves some whacks
dun dun
You want to be loved, don’t you? Buy our cereal!
INTERMISSION ENDS
“Here’s the puppy Sir.”
“Thank you Gary. Oh you little battered donut you I just want to eat you up chuchuchu mwmwmwmwmwha
kiss kiss Who’s adorable? Surprise, it’s you and your cute liddle fuzzy paw paws! I love you puppy. I love you too Gary.”
“Thank you Sir! I apologise for my lack of professionalism, but the feeling is very mutual.”
“It’s alright Gary, I’m in my underwear.”
“Yes you are Sir.”
“Gary, has the puppy changed?”
“It’s gotten a little bigger Sir.”
“Why has it done that Gary?”
“I’m not really sure how to explain that Sir.”
“Oh, well, never mind. I love you, precious slightly less little puppy.”
“Sir, try and remember not to watch too much Supernatural in future.”
“I’ll take your recommendations under consideration Gary.”
“Very good Sir.”
“What did you come in here for anyway Gary?”
“Well, I… …well I’ve been watching Grimm again Sir and I… …erm…”
“I understand Gary. I hope the puppy cheered you up too.”
“Yes Sir, I feel much better now!”
“Good. Sleep well Gary.”
6 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 6.
“Good morning Sir.”
“Good morning Gary.”
“Did you sleep well Sir?”
“Well, I had this strange nightmare about a woodchuck Gary.”
“Were they having difficulty chucking wood Sir?”
“Actually their work life was great Gary but they had trouble at home, their wife was drinking and their daughter kept on trying to jump off the roof of the house. It was very sad.”
“That does sound very sad Sir. I apologize for making assumptions about the nature of this woodchuck’s difficulties.”
“That’s alright Gary.”
“Do you have nightmares like that a lot Sir?”
“Only every other night Gary.”
“That is quite a lot Sir.”
“I suppose it is Gary.”
“Is there a reason for the nightmares Sir?”
“No, no of course there isn’t, why would you say that Gary?”
“I apologise again Sir. I do seem to be getting a lot of things wrong today don’t I?”
“It’s alright Gary. I got out of bed on the wrong side today.”
“Oh, well, you don’t seem angry at all Sir.”
“I mean I literally got out of bed on the wrong side Gary, I fell into the crawlspace and got covered in sawdust.”
“I’ll arrange to have the crawlspace vacuumed Sir. Do you need any help closing the door?”
“Maybe a bit of help Gary.”
“Certainly Sir.”
“Gary, would you like a popsicle?”
“That would be lovely Sir, but maybe later. I prefer to have cereal for breakfast.”
“Is that because you want to be loved Gary?”
“It’s a different brand Sir.”
“I see. Well, I’ll see you later Gary. Go get yourself a popsicle when you want one, they’re on the third shelf of the fridge in section 3B kitchen 5.”
“Thank you so much Sir. What are you going to have for breakfast?”
“It’s alright Gary, I’ll just eat this box of cereal bars.”
“Are you sure Sir?”
“Yes Gary. It’s Thursday, remember?”
“Ah yes, of course Sir.”
“Enjoy your breakfast Gary.”
“I will Sir. Call me if you need anything.”
“Will do.”
7 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 7.
“Gary, do you like flowers?”
“I think they’re very pretty Sir, but I’m slightly allergic.”
“Does that mean that you have difficulty in social situations or sensory issues Gary? My brother has that. He’s a novelist. He keeps unusual hours but he’s a very nice person.”
“I’d like to meet your brother Sir, but what it actually means that I get hay fever when there’s a lot of pollen in the air. My eyes water and I sneeze a lot and get a runny nose.”
“Do flowers make you sad Gary? I’m sorry about that. I’ll get you something else then.”
“Pardon Sir? I didn’t quite catch that.”
“Nothing, nothing.”
“They don’t make me sad but I find them rather irritating because of my adverse physical reaction.”
“I understand Gary. That’s a bit like that feeling I experience when I look at a panda and suddenly get indigestion.”
“It is a bit like that Sir, yes.”
“Gary, what is it you want the most?”
“…Sir! Is this about my birthday?”
“No, Gary, of… course… its’s not…
pant pant this is hard!
ahem I was just wondering that’s all.”
“Sir, are you in pain?”
“It’s nothing Gary, just a bit of gas.”
“If you’re sure. Do you like flowers Sir?”
“Yes I do Gary. My favourites are the pink ones.”
“Can you be more specific Sir?
“All the pink ones.”
“Ah! Now I understand Sir.”
“Gary, if you weren’t aspergic to flowers, which would be your favourite?”
“I do rather like nasturtiums Sir. And poppies.”
“That’s my favourite candy brand too Gary.”
“I rather like those glowing orbs with the cinnamon pudding inside Sir.”
“Perfect!”
“They are delicious aren’t they Sir!”
“…uh yes, yes they are Gary.”
“Well Sir, I’m going to go and talk to Sheryl from vacuum technology about how to more efficiently store luggage on board.”
“Very good Gary. I’m going to go and play Connect 4 with the ship’s computer. I never can beat them.”
“Good luck Sir.”
“Thankyou Gary.”
8 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 8.
"Sir, have you ever wished that you could fly?"
"Well, we're all on a spaceship Gary."
"I meant, erm, like, like a bird Sir."
"Well, I did imagine myself as a butterfly when I was younger. Is that the sort of thing you're talking about?"
"Yes! Just like that Sir!"
"Do you think I'd make a pretty butterfly Gary?"
"I'm sure you'd be very beautiful Sir."
"Thankyou. I also used to imagine myself as a bee, I would pollinate flowers and sting all the bullies in the neighbourhood until they apologised to Timmy."
"Who is Timmy Sir?"
"She was a girl in my class with cerebral palsy and an arguably ill-chosen name. They would push her over and call her names I won't repeat because they make baby Jesus cry."
"That's horrible Sir. I didn't know you were particularly religious though."
"My beliefs on the subject are very complexificated Gary. I mostly meant it as a metaphor."
"Ah, I see Sir. Well, not my place to judge regardless. Did Timmy ever get any help?"
" Well, eventually the bullies moved on to picking on to picking on this kid with a scalp condition and a lisp, Timmy became a voice actress but she still has PTSD. She was... ummm... er... she was..."
"Yes Sir? Are you alright?"
"She was my first Gary!"
“Oh, how lovely Sir. That explains why you’re blushing. Are you still in contact with her?"
"She married a pastry chef a few years ago, Carl I think his name is. We kind of fell out of touch. I sometimes still wonder how she's doing though.”
“Well, I hope she’s happy Sir.”
“I wonder if she ever wished she could fly.”
“I don’t know Sir. Maybe ask her if you ever see her again.”
“That’s a good idea Gary. I also hope Dennis is doing well.”
“Who’s Dennis Sir?”
“The boy with the scalp condition and the lisp. He really liked this obscure indie band called “Der Katzenthriller.” And apple juice. I think he moved to a small island off the coast of united britain where everything is made of rich, creamy milk.”
“They must have very advanced technology there Sir.”
“They do Gary. I think they even have wasps made out of cheese.”
“Incredible Sir.”
“Gary, I wonder if parrots wish they could swim.”
“I’m wondering about that now too Sir.”
“Well, I’m going to go and wonder about it in bed. Goodnight Gary.”
“Goodnight Sir.”
9 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 9.
“Hello Sir.”
“Hello Gary.”
“Sir, you’ve changed your hair.”
“No I haven’t… wait, yes I have! What do you think of it Gary?”
“It looks very nice Sir. What a bold colour.”
“Thankyou Gary. I wanted it to look like a poppy.”
“Well, you’re not far off Sir.”
“That’s good Gary. I hoped there wasn’t too much of a distance between us.”
“Of course not Sir. You know, I’ve been thinking of dying my hair as well.”
“That’s very exciting Gary! Are you going to give it a new name?”
“What do you think I should call it Sir?”
“I was thinking “Electric Star Fusion.” “Sparks from a Fallen Comet.” Maybe “Mavis.””
“That’s a very enthusiastic arm gesture Sir. I think I might go with “Silver Snake River.”
“I think snakes are a very underrated animal Gary.”
“I agree Sir. Like coelacanths. And grey squirrels.”
“I used to have a pet squirrel Gary. She was called “Ms. Giraffe Fabulous Deluc”. I loved her so much. Then she mysteriously disappeared one day and I never saw her again. It was very traumatic. That was when I started biting my nails.”
“I have noticed you have rather short nails Sir. Do you think she ran away?”
“Well, I did think that at first but then I saw that there was a strange mark near her cage and found some tatters of black fabric, and I started to have questions. My uncle told me to stop doing that but then that just raised more questions. Eventually I put it to the back of my mind.”
“That must have been very difficult Sir.”
“It took a lot of medication Gary.”
“I understand Sir. I wonder what did happen to her.”
“Well, she might have gone to the peanut factory a couple of blocks away. But they never found her in there.”
“I’m sorry to hear that Sir. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”
“I would like to feel some butter Gary, that would be very comforting.”
“Very good Sir. Salted or unsalted?”
“Peanut.”
“Certainly Sir. I’ll go and get that right away.”
“Ms. Giraffe really liked peanuts.”
“I’m sure she did Sir. I like them too. My brother’s allergic to them though.”
“My brother has that too Gary.”
“Yes Sir, I remember. Would you like the peanut butter on it’s own or shall I bring you some bread as well? Perhaps some jam?”
“Is this one of those… “sandwich” things Gary?”
“Yes Sir.”
“That would be lovely thankyou.”
“I’ll be back shortly Sir.”
“Very good Gary.”
10 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 10.
“Sir, what’s your favourite star?”
“Dolly Parton Gary. I loved her in 9 to 5.”
“She is lovely isn’t she. But I meant in the sky.”
“I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t really know the names of any sky-stars Gary.”
“Were you not very good at that part of Commander Academy Sir?”
“I… let me think… oh, yes! I avoided that class for the entire year because my teacher humiliated me in the first lesson and when I swore at them they sentenced me to be thrown in the brig for an hour every day after class was over.”
“I’m sorry to hear that Sir, it can’t have been a very pleasant school to attend if that was the kind of punishment they doled out.”
“Well, I do have some… traumatic memories, but that teacher was a lot worse than most of them.”
“Did you have any friends at school Sir?”
“A few. There was Kurt, and Bert, and Dirt - that was her nickname you see, and Gert, and Shirt - that was his maiden name, and Ahmed.”
“I think I used to know a Shirt Sir, what was his first name?”
“Pressed.”
“No, the one I knew was called Button. Must be a different fellow.”
“How was your time at school Gary?”
“I was actually homeschooled for several years Sir.”
“My brother was too. He struggled too much with regular school.”
“In my case, it was because my parents thought that my school was insufficiently committed to my full development as a human being.”
“I understand Gary. Did they try to throw you in the brig too?”
“No, it was more subtle than that Sir.”
“Did you have any close friends as a child Gary?”
“Lipfton Kurami.”
“I’ve never heard that name before. Is it quite unusual?”
“His parents were Gundam fans.”
“I don’t understand that explanation but I’m just going to nod politely and pretend I do.”
“It’s an anime featuring giant robots Sir.”
“Well, there are a lot of anime featuring giant robots Gary.”
“Yes Sir, but most of them don’t have a character called Allelujah Haptism.”
“…
…would you like a cereal bar Gary?”
“Why, yes I would Sir, but don’t you usually eat the whole box?”
“It’s been a very strange Thursday Gary.”
“I’m sorry to hear that Sir. Shall I get you a nice cup of tea?”
“Can I have it with chocolate spread melted into it?”
“I don’t see why not Sir. How many spoonfuls would you like?”
“Two dessert spoons.”
“Milk and sugar as well?”
“Lots of milk, but no sugar.”
“Very good Sir. May I have that cereal bar before I go?”
“Here you go Gary.”
“Apricot and Walnut. Sounds delightful. I’ll be back in 15 minutes with your tea.”
“Thankyou Gary. I think I’ll go to bed early tonight.”
“I’ll bring it to you in your quarters then Sir.”
“But I’ll be wearing pyjamas Gary.”
“Of course Sir. I’ll return shortly.”
11 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 11
“Gary, do you like dolpins?”
“Yes Sir, very much. Most of them are very nice. I met one once on Arktakurus. Had really interesting ideas about quantum physics and Viennese Whirls.”
“I met an earth dolphin once Gary. It squeaked like an angel. Squirted me with water. Gave me a slippery hug.”
“That sounds lovely Sir.”
“Have you ever swum with the narwhals Gary?”
“Regretfully no Sir, never got the chance before they went extinct.”
“About that Gary…”
“Yes Sir?”
“Well, I-“
“Good lord! Gaahhhh! Oof ouch ow ah ee ooo damn it!”
“Oh god are you OK Gary? What hit the ship?”
“I think I’m OK, I bruised my shin but that’s about it. According to the computer it was a small piece of space debris, probably some sort of rock.”
“Someone threw away a rock in space!?”
“Yes that’s right Sir.”
“Alright Gary, I just wanted to make sure I understood that properly.”
“Very good Sir.”
“Do you want me to kiss your shin better Gary?”
“That’s very kind of you Sir but I think I’ll decline.”
“Someone get Gary a reclining chair!”
“I… yes thank you very much Sir.”
“Here we are. Thank you Jasminder.”
“Yes, thank you very much.”
“Would you like a biscuit Gary?”
“Yes Sir, but won’t they all have gotten crushed in the collision?”
“Surely our ship’s tech is more advanced than that Gary?”
“Hopefully Sir. I will have a biscuit thankyou, even if it is in tiny little chocolatey fragments.”
“Somebody bring Gary a biscuit!”
“Oh that’s lovely thankyou. Bourbons and Jaffa Cakes. Why they aren’t damaged at all!”
“Well of course the Jaffa Cakes have an advantage being made of bouncier material. The bourbons were just lucky I suppose.”
“What’s that you were going to tell me before we got interrupted Sir?”
“I… I can’t remember Gary.”
“Ah well, don't worry about it Sir.”
“Are the rest of the ship’s crew alright Gary?”
“Carmen’s spaghetti bolognese got ruined, as did Leo’s new hairdo, but other than that everyone’s fine.”
“That’s a relief. I’ll have a biscuit too.”
“Certainly Sir.”
12 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 12
‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you Gary.’
‘Yes Sir?’
‘Well, I was wondering, Gary… Can we adopt a sloth?’
‘Well Sir, I think that might be a bit impractical, you know, on a spaceship.’
‘Oh.’
‘Oh Sir, you’re making that sad face. What made you want to adopt a sloth?’
‘Well, I saw a charity appeal on the Love Flakes channel and it said that they’re having a very hard time in their natural habitat and if we adopt them then they can have better lives.’
‘Oh I see! Did you mean to sponsor a sloth Sir?’
‘Well, I don’t know… I may have sort of drawn up some plans for converting part of the ship into an expansive jungle area for the sloth to live in. I thought it would be safer on here than in the wild, and I had this idea for a safety net below it’s branches so that if it mistakes it’s arm for a branch it won’t fall to it’s death or sprain it’s delicate sloth ankles.’
‘That’s awfully nice Sir but I feel that it might be better for the sloth to be in an animal sanctuary. It’s generally the best place for them if they can’t live in the wild.’
‘Oh, well, alright then Gary, if it’s what’s best for the sloth.’
‘Very good Sir.’
‘Gary, what happened with that musical that the ship’s crew was staging in the end?’
‘Oh, it went wonderfully Sir! Shirley from food cube development stole the show!’
‘Oh dear, I hope they managed to get it back.’
‘I mean she was the standout performer.’
‘Did she hand out the flyers Gary?’
‘Erm… yes Sir, she did actually. She was also the star of the show.’
‘That’s nice Gary. I wish I had seen it.’
‘Yes Sir, it’s unfortunate that you ate that banoffee pie.’
‘It did really disagree with me.’
‘I remember Sir. Usually your personal bathroom is so clean and well kept.’
‘I know Gary, it’s one of the things I pride myself on.’
‘Have you ever had food disagree with you Gary?’
‘Well Sir, once I encountered a particularly mean spirited plate of pickled cabbage that kept on insulting my mother and saying that things were better before people like me could join the space program.’
‘Did it also leave your personal bathroom in the most wicked condition Gary?’
‘No Sir but it spat in my eye.’
‘How awful Gary, you aren’t blind now are you?’
‘Sir, if I were blind then… thankyou for your concern Sir but I assure you my eyes are working perfectly.’
‘I’m so glad Gary!’
‘Thankyou Sir, I’m glad too.’
‘Why weren’t you allowed to join the space program before Gary?’
‘I’ll explain another time Sir. Right now we need to fill in this paperwork!’
‘But Gary… I… my arms are broken Gary.’
‘Sir, you said that yesterday and then Clarion threw a ball at you and you caught it.’
‘But… but…’
‘Come on now Sir, you need to tough this out. Ever since they passed that anti-bureaucracy law paperwork is kept to a strict minimum but there’s still the odd scrap we have to endure. I know it’s not fun but it has to be done!’
‘Ah yes, my old school motto. Alright Gary. Can you scribe?’
‘Yes Sir, but I’ll need your signature.’
‘OK, deal.’
‘Very good Sir.’
‘What’s the paperwork about Gary?’
‘Well, after we almost fell into that wormhole we need to fill in a form to report what happened, if anyone was hurt, etc.’
‘Alright Gary, let me dictate?’
‘Yes Sir.’
‘“We almost fell in a wormhole but then we didn’t. No-one was injured but we will need to replace the tennis court nets as they got eaten by a distressed zebra who is now receiving massage therapy.” That’s it Gary.’
‘Very good Sir. And what colour best represents your emotions about the incident?’
‘Shocking pink- no wait -olive green.’
‘Are you sure Sir?’
‘Yes Gary.’
‘“Do you have any further comments, or any noises expressing your feelings that you would like to record and send on to us?”’
‘Vrrrrrmmmmmm!’
‘Is that the sound of a motorcycle Sir?’
‘Yes Gary.’
‘Very good Sir! It sounded just like one.’
‘Thankyou Gary, I’ve been practising all month.’
‘Really Sir? I never once heard you.’
‘Even I have secretions Gary.’
‘You mean secrets?’
‘Yes Gary and secrets.’
‘Well Sir, now there’s just the diversity monitoring form to fill in.’
‘Must we?’
‘No, this one’s optional.’
‘I think I’ll skip it then.’
‘Very well Sir.’
13 The Adventures of Commander Will and Gary Spiders 13
‘Hello Sir, how are you today?’
‘Like a box of cashews.’
‘Is that a nice feeling Sir.’
‘Fairly.’
‘Very good then. I wanted to talk to you about the puppy infestation on board the ship.’
‘Gary, I mean, does it really count as an infestation when they’re so fuzzy wuzzy like warm sunshine with adorable little wet noses?’
‘I see your point Sir but they are making rather a lot of mess.’
‘Where did they come from Gary?’
‘Well Sir, you see, when a female dog and a male dog love each other very much then-‘
‘But there aren’t any grownup dogs on the ship. Just little, liddle cute tiny baby waby puppy dogs.’
‘…yes Sir actually that is odd come to think of it.’
‘Can’t we let them stay Gary?’
‘No Sir, I’m afraid not. The ship’s crew keep tripping over them.’
‘Oh god Gary, Gary none of them got stepped on did they?!’
‘Thankfully not Sir, but you see that’s the kind of thing that might happen if we don’t do something about the situation.’
‘OK Gary, you’ve convinced me. Could we round them up and put them in their own special puppy area?’
‘Well that’s the first step Sir.’
‘What happens after that Gary?’
‘Well we’ll have to find a planet where we can drop them off and they’ll be taken good care of.’
‘Promise it won’t be a planet full of puppy eating monsters Gary!’
‘I do promise that Sir.’
‘It was so hard rehoming those pigs!’
‘Yes I know Sir, but thankfully puppy meat is not really considered to be much of a delicacy on most planets.’
‘Are you sure Gary?’
‘Yes Sir.’
‘Well that’s a load off my mind Gary.’
‘We still need to deal with the puppies Sir. One of them just weed on my leg.’
‘Alright Gary, but when we’ve rounded them all up can I spend some time in the special puppy area?’
‘Yes of course Sir.’
‘Should I help round up the puppies Gary?’
‘I think it’s best we leave it to the special puppy rounding up team that I have created from the ship’s most qualified crew members.’
‘But Gary!’
‘Sir, what are you going to do when you’ve caught one puppy?’
‘Try to catch another puppy Gary.’
‘Are you going to put the first one down first?’
‘Yes of course.’
‘Where are you going to put it down?’
‘Well just next to me… I’m sure it won’t… run off…’
‘Do you see why I haven’t put you on the puppy catching squad now Sir?’
‘Yes Gary.’
‘Oh, Sir, you look so disappointed. Your job is to cuddle the puppies after they’ve been put in the special puppy area.’
‘Really Gary? I have a job?’
‘Yes you do Sir. A really important one.’
‘Thankyou Gary. I have surprisingly few jobs for a Commander.’
‘I know Sir. We should really give you more of them.’
‘Couldn’t I be on the puppy catching team if I remembered to only pick up one puppy at a time? And then put them in the special puppy area?’
‘…yes you could Sir. My opposition was unreasonable and condescending.’
‘It was Gary, but I forgive you.’
‘You’re a saint Sir.’
‘Well that’s very nice of you to say Gary.’
‘It’s true Sir.’
‘Thankyou Gary. How is the zebra doing?’
‘Karen? She’s alright now Sir. Playing on the tennis courts again.’
‘Oh good. Let’s catch some puppies shall we?’
‘Yes Sir. Now we haven’t actually designated the special puppy area yet…’
