Searching for a cheap editor

I just read it, and I'll say that grammar and spelling are the least of your worries. I found the writing was stunted and lacked a natural flow, making it somewhat frustrating to read. Language is, largely, poorly used and did not sustain my attention. The concepts are faulty and unoriginal. Also, it's probably a good idea not to invent your own verbs ("javelining", for example). I'm markedly unimpressed and I think it needs work. It could just be this particular scene, and I could be wrong, though. There's certainly promise there; it's obvious you've got a clear vision of the scene you wanted to depict, and I imagine that if you keep working at it, you'll improve over time.

Just my two cents :]
 
I admit the critizm is hurtful 'CitizenGeek' but I am grateful for your honest. My writing use to be as worse before I took in my first lot of critizm and accepted all the pointers they gave me. So I'll remember to take this in.

However, this may of been mentioned a lot sooner, but I wrote this two years ago, so it will mostly be a good idea to try and check over it again, after so long that it may help.
 
Well, you could just ignore my criticism as I'm hardly a literary expert and there's every possibility I'm wrong. It's just that I hate the attitude of saying everything is great on the internet, just to please the person who's done it. If I were to publish something (be it art, literature, and essay etc.) I'd want honest criticism so I just thought that's what you'd want too :]
 
CitizenGeek said:
...Also, it's probably a good idea not to invent your own verbs ("javelining", for example)....
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Tell that to JK Rowling, on the other hand, lack of fluidity in narrative is a killer. I still didn't manage to find the time to read it though. Will do shortly.
 
Sorry for my boasting, just thought the more I highlighted it would get more people's attention to try and help me. After all not very many people will help something that is not much worth putting effort into and also for the fact it is one of my life's greatest achievements. But yes, apologies for my boasting, I did not mean to make anyone unhappy.
 
WalrusM3 said:
Sorry for my boasting, just thought the more I highlighted it would get more people's attention to try and help me. After all not very many people will help something that is not much worth putting effort into and also for the fact it is one of my life's greatest achievements. But yes, apologies for my boasting, I did not mean to make anyone unhappy.
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I don't think you made him unhappy so why are you apologising :) Truth is he's right, honest critisms are worth more then just been told its great to shut you up (trust me i seem to only get those kinds...apart from Spyro of course when i show him my drawings).

Personally i remember reading the stuff you posted on this site earlier and enjoying it, and i wish i could help find a publisher but i've only heard doom and gloom stories from one of my friends who tried so i was put of the idea of trying to get some stuff published
 
Three things i can see from a quick scan over that peice of text;

repetitivness - try and avoid to use a persons name every second sentance. the same with words like opponent and ninja. try and use other peices of back story or plot to help move the story along.

lack of scenery - even though you may have described the location earlier on, in those last 4/5 paragraphs there was nothing to give a hint at the landscape, how high up they were going when they were flying through the air, etc. instead of saying "splashing against the tree like a bucket of water." say something like "splashing against the grand oak like a bucket of water" You don't need to write every single detail. thats what the readers for. if you give them enough information to get thier imagination going then they will fill in the blanks.

no talking? - with a big fight like this i would be expecting a bit of banter between the attackers. even things like "argh!" etc obviously it depends on the characters style etc, but an epic fight with no words. it just doesnt sit right with me.


There is material in there, good material, you just need to clear some of the junk away and create a good foundation to build from.
 
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