Hana-bolin [short story, unfinished]

C

cardybean

Student Council President
This is a short story I wrote for my cousin's GCSE coursework, the little b' handed it in early (unfinished) though, so I never had any motivation to finish it. Please give honest feedback =). Oh, and pardon any mistakes, I make so many mistakes when I get typing, and am too lazy to read over usually.

Hana-bolin sat in her faded red sweater around a large rectangular table with her classmates. Classmates was the most appropriate word she could find for them, for if she was asked for something most descriptive she would have to say ‘bullies’. The atmosphere created by the classmates that made her life a realistic depiction of hell terrified her so much that she was forced to retreat behind her messy red hair.

It was now an entity – or so it felt – it was growing; and she could feel it touching the hairs on her arm. She was now hiding behind her hair even more, her head was nearly horizontal and the entity had reached her flesh. “What’s wrong, Nana? Not gonna slit your wrist again are you, awwww!â€
 
she was forced to retreat behind her messy red hair.

Extra marks are awarded for description, you could build on that by describing the colour and texture ...for eg. Brown wildly frizzy..

.she was walking up was an ancient pathway through the increasingly sinister collection of large dark, decrepit oaks which could be considered a forest if the numbers were greater.

with a view of the shimering scenery of the city awash with darkness, buildings silluette by the streetlights and a vague yellow glow emitting from the homes of the citizens, the tranquil towns and deserted motorways beyond it and the large patches of cultivated farm land beyond those played host to the breath-taking view. The glimering white street lights revealing the most beautiful of the buildings; the traditional ones which could probably be recognised as English by anyone in the world.

The wind mustered a strong gust and blew his long silvery/grey hair in multiple directions at the same time.


Tried to throw some more description in there for some more
marks.

But hell mate thats a brilliant start ^^ you should be proud :thumb:
 
I think Hana-Bolin should have been introduced with greater detail. If I'm going to have to imagine this girl going from place to the place I'm going to need to know a bit more about her.

Also does she not have a school bag that she had to take with her when she left the classroom? Also we don't know what time this is all happening at. Is it the first class or is it just after lunch?

I felt that the Austim was brought out of nowhere to be honest.

“Yesâ€
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Thanks for the feedback Tachi and Zen, it's greatly appreciated.

In reply to Zen, she did leave her bag, as she was upset and ran out the class, in that state she didn't remember to take her bag lol.

I think I know what you mean about the autism coming out of no-where, the only reason I actually made her autistic is for the main event in the story, which is obviously not written yet. So, I think I need to add a little history to that then.

About her jumping over the fence, I was obviously neglecting the story and using my own imagination when I wrote it; she was jumping over the fence onto a field, that was at the side of the motorway.

And yes, the fact I didn't describe how much pain she was in wasn't consistent with the amount of description in the rest of the story.

I'll wait for some more feedback, if people want, I'll finish it, really need a motive to do it haha.
 
Kurogane said:
The protagonists coping mechanism is unbelievable, and quite frankly; stupid.
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Well, I disagree with your 'constructive criticism', Hana-bolin is a young girl with autism who is constantly bullied. I'm sure running out of the classroom is a very mild reaction compared to how some kids who are constantly bullied would react? Heard about the kids killing themselves over bullying etc?

Anyway yes, you could say that story doesn't mention she is young, or constantly bullied, but if you allow your imagination to work, I'm sure you would assume that.

So in reply to your comment, I believe the reaction is very believable, and not very stupid.

Thanks for the feedback though.
 
Just needs a little bit of work mate, then it'll be great :thumb:

Constructive critisizm only goes so far, and in truth, from what we know of kurogane, he excels in art, not really known for his literacy qualities.

The main things that make a story are:
Plot/Story
Characters including brief but informative history on characters. and work on character building (emotions, maturity and metality in this case)
Description throughout the story, eg both scenery and characters
Remember to stick to the plot, its very easy in story writting to start waffling about things that you don't really need to talk about, similarly make sure that you remember to put in enough information on the things that matter.


:)
 
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