I've been a bit worried about my mum's health recently so I wrote Poem 20 to help me process my feelings
Poem 20 2024
It is hot today
So people tell me
All I can think of is the coldness of your cheek
As I kiss you, silent
And the chill in the church
They always were good like that in summer
But I pray for relief from this icy, hard feeling
My heart is glass
Frozen yet broken
Mother
Please don’t leave me
I’ll be good
I will phone you every day
I will be there by your side
I will give you all the love in the world
I am a child today
Longing for your embrace
I will never again know
I remember you telling everyone how proud you were when I was born
Flowers upon my hair
Ice-cream in my mouth, the sun on my face
Leaves falling down past my legs
Snow on the ground under my feet
And you were there
Present
We were a gift to each other
I was not always part of your life
But you were always part of mine
Life weighed heavily on you
And I have wished that I could have met the little girl you once were
And held her
And told her everything was going to be ok
As I grew, I invited you to lean on me in turn
I am not sure if what I did was enough
Everything
Everywhere
Ends one day
As such, perhaps there are no happy endings
But it was a pleasure and a privilege to know you
Thankyou for my life
Thankyou for your time
Thankyou for your love
I am cold today
But I will not always be cold
And some of that warmth yet to be
I owe to you
Poem 21 2024
Attachment is beautiful
Tender
Soft
But I know it is, in some eternal sense
Transient and temporary
The ones I love the most
Mean more to me than I can put into words
Death is always with us
But so is life
People are always changing
New times come
New zeitgeists
Knowing that
I will be brave
Bold
Knowing that nothing is ever quite guaranteed in this world
I will walk forward
And face this day of possibilities and wonders
I might be a different person
In the far off, unknown future
Knowing that
Please stay by my side
Be my friend, forever
Even if forever doesn’t really exist
Let’s pretend
Poem 22 2024
When I feel good
I worry that I am doing bad
That anxiety
Seems almost woven into the fabric of my soul
I do not wish to live for, or in, pain
Or suffering
I keep feeling I somehow deserve it
That self-love
Is some great sin
I really do not like the part of my brain that thinks this way
It is unkind
Lacking in mercy
Cruel
It has wounded me in mind, body and spirit
Somewhere between excessive humility
And excessive pride
Lies something balanced
Or so they say
I am unsure how to find it
Yet I see there is more to life than self-hatred
That a better world is out there
That kindness is a real and tangible thing
From and for others
From and for myself
I am determined to make and find my happiness
And to do what I can to give some of that to others
I may be a big lady
But I feel like a small one
A bit childlike
Somewhat lost in life
But I am choosing to embrace all life’s wonderful joys and pleasures
Happiness is not zero-sum
I’m learning that
Learning that I don’t have to sever myself from myself
To hurt or injure my body
To live as a hermit in a frugal cold den
To be good
I have learned that there is as much a place in this world for me
And my soft, gentle hedonism
As there is for all the other ways of being
All the people
I like having fun!
Ultimately that’s what I want for everyone
To spread some love and happiness around
To see that neither I or anyone else
Needs to be perfect
In order to justify our existence
Now, what can I do
To make myself or someone else happier today?
Poem 23 2024
I have gotten better
At telling people how I feel
And asking for what I want
Over time
I’m still not the best at it
But I do try to be courageous
If you don’t ask
The answer will always be no
I have also learned that
My kindness is not fake
I used to think it was perceived that way
That I would seem insincere
If I expressed earnest concern for people
That is possible
But if I don’t express that kind thought and sentiment
People will not know that I feel it
Or at least, they are less likely to know
I love everyone so much
I have to show them
If people are unused to such things
Let me be the one to disarm them
With my best attempt
At a tender heart
My kindness is my own
Unique
There is a plum on my back
And I am glad I can finally see it
Through the mirror
That is the ones who love me
