Jeremy Clarkson- Top Gear Quotes

M

McIcy

Mushi-shi
I had to post this, its something that will brighten anyones day, some of the his best quotes from Top Gear (Some of my faves are in bold)


"I'm sorry but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

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"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine, it's full of
rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40,
where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

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"(About Porsche Cayman S) There are many things I'd rather be doing
than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

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"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany "

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"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
w****r!"

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On the Alfa Romeo Brera: "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan
leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull a
greased stick out of a pig's bottom!"

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On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "There is a word to describe this car: it
begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So it's fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!"

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"Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -
and that he, long before anyone else, realised that Jade Goody is a racist
pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

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"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite."

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"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that's
what gets you."

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'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

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"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

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"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable
was Adolf Hitler"

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(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,
you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp
fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
camp!"

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"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good, I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

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(About the Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would
be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

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"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"

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"If there was room for me to undertake, there was room for him to get out of my way."
 
Gotta love the old Clarkson quotes. Gotta be the best car programme ever. Stuff Fifth Gear.

.... I want a tiny car to drive round my office in too ^^

OK, here's some more classic quotes.
>>>>


(On diesel motors)"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

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(On the Bently Con. GT dashboard)"It really is about as useful as putting a snooze button on a smoke alarm."

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"Cool is just another way of saying 'not very popular'. The Guardian is cool. Desks made out of zinc are cool. Rolf Harris, on the other hand, is warm."

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"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

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"In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad."

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(On the Perodua Kelisa 1.0 GXi)"This is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world. It has a top speed of 88mph but takes so long to reach it that no one has ever lived long enough to verify the claim, the inside is tackier than Anthea Turner’s wedding and you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost.

"Also its name sounds like a disease."
 
Clarkson is a genius!

One quote from his weekly column I remember before Casino Royale came out was
"It shouldn't matter who plays Bond, as long he isn't American or gay."

I've forgotten the website now but there is a petition on one of those create-a-petition sites which requests Clarkson to be prime minister and about 22,000 people have signed it so far! If I find out I'll put the link for those who want to sign it too!
 
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