Coup D'etat

J

Janus

Completely Average High School Student
Right, wanting to make a Grand entrance i'd like to put forward some writing, something this board seems to be lacking.

event 1

In a dark meeting room with very little light and a smell that would not be out of place in a meat processing plant, fourteen people gather round a table with a small lifeless vase of roses in the middle. Talking amongst each other waiting for their leader to show up so the planning can being, the doors opened and in came a 23-year-old man wearing a black formal suit. Something that seemed out of place with the rest of the room, they all sat down and the man spoke.
“Gentlemen it’s been a while since we last gathered and I hope you all completed the tasks I assigned to you for the mission?â€
 
A very nice piece with some interesting ideas being explored. I am however a bit anal when it comes to certain grammatical things etc, so just a few pointers:

1) ABSOLUTELY NEVER change from a narrative to scripted dialogue halfway through the story and
2) A technical thing: numbers are written as words (so it's "thirteen hundred hours" or "one o'clock", not 13:00 etc)

Apart from that it's really very good! I would have liked to see a little more description perhaps, especially in terms of character introduction, and a slower build-up to the faster paced scenes, but that's it.

And you're right - writing on here is very scarce indeed. Thanks for breaking the mould! :D
 
Well i think there was some good criticism there, but i have a code that i live by; it's a sort of declaration that i won't over complicate things and won't write in a manner that has way too many rules.

the change from event two into event three, all i can use to defend myself is the fact that i wrote them on two different days.
 
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