Chitso Samake: Chapter one. Novel

W

WalrusM3

Kiznaiver
Hey, this here's the first sample of a novel I've written. It's not on book yet, on account it's still being edited. But it's sort of like an Anime world it is, so I hope it's alright that it's influnced instead of based. But please read it and enjoy.

*

The sun sparkled down upon the land, birds sang and water roared. Lying amongst the washing water and on the smooth rocks laid a dark mysterious body. He lied down slump and ragged, he wore the outfit of a Ninja and his ears were shaped up pointy and his midnight black hair was beautiful but greasy. The Ninja twitched and groaned as he begun to wake.
In his mind shot flashes of pain as he heard screaming and shouting that slowly tormented him. The Ninja pushed him self up with his arms and looked down at the ground confused and wondering. His mind felt blank and could not remember what he had been up to.
He looked around for a clue but all he could see was the trees surrounding him and the stream he stood on. He rub his hands around the handle of his daggers. He did not pull them out seeing as he reminded himself that they were poisonous.
He tried to move but the water soaked his undercoat chain mail that made it difficult to move. It even soaked his dark cloak that made it feel also slightly heavier. There was no rip though in his light cloth making it seem odd since he felt he had been in a battle, this was all to confusing.

“Hey what are you doing here in the part of this Forest,!â€
 
Nice, enjoyed the concept.Definitly intruiged.
Your on the right track alright, but if I may point out some things that may help you.

Firstly, I dont think you should use similar words so soon after each other, like near the start when you use water twice, try to meld the two sentences in such a way you need only say water once.

Also I noticed at the start in particular you use "and" a lot, using and to much near itself can take away the proffesional feeling to the flow of writing, again try combining pieces of sentences with comas, or other words(USE A THESAURUS, NO WOULD BE WRITER SHOULD BE WITHOUT ONE)

I noticed also you refer to him with his name a lot, maybe too much, although at the same time it didint really bother me, just something you may want to get others opinions on.

Overall my advise would be this, try making sentences flow a bit better with different joining words and comas, and definitly keep a thesaurus handy, you can find great ones on the net.

Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, its only an opinion.

Post chapter 2 if you want, Ill look forward to it^____________^
 
Good start to a story there Walrus. Could really picture it in my head too. Wouldn't mind reading the second chapter if your willing to post it. Also, listen to Outlawstar as he makes some good points.

Good stuff :D
 
Thanks for you comments. And yes, later in the book you find, that I do use different words. This thing was made a year ago and took me three months to complete.

But yes thankyou for your comments and critisim, much appreciated.
 
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