Relationships and Romance

RadFemHedonist

Thousand Master
Thankyou I appreciate the edit :)

I would also add that I'm remembering some of the stuff you said in the fanservice and it's appropriateness thread @ayase cuz I feel like some of that sounded like you have perhaps bought into some of the ideas you are rightly criticising here a bit? NGL the stuff you said about not wanting to objectify real people felt a bit like... I found myself thinking "what is this strange new society where we're all supposed to just fap it to anime characters with impossibly perfect bodies, instead of to like... actual other humans?" not that I'm saying it's bad to find anime characters attractive I just mean that I think that some people feel a certain sense of entitlement to never be the subject of anyone else's fantasies and I'm a bit like "please explain to me why I should care about your non-problem, that you are strangely indignant about?" As long as someone doesn't harass me their thought are their own business really. Why do we (society we not you or me in particular) have this unhealthy obsession with trying to sanitize and sterilize the contents of our minds and sexuality until there is little to nothing left? (I just imagined Troy McClure or Kent Brockman reading that last part while having a bit of a nervous breakdown then coughing and saying "more after this informercial intermission!" XD )
 

Neil.T

Titan
I'm really sorry you felt that way Neil.T, I know it sucks.
Hey, it's totally not anything for you to feel any badness over, RadFem, but thanks. It's a situation that does indeed very much suck.

I had the same fear when I was younger and fresh out of some horribly messed up relationships with guys who were selfish in bed and made me feel bad about wanting to get off. I still find it really difficult to ask for what I want in that context now
That's... bloody awful, quite frankly. You should be able to get what you want out of it as well. There's absolutely nothing to feel bad about there whatsoever, to my mind.

Far be it to sound like I've completed my metamorphosis into some kind of righteous moral crusader, but I'm all about things being a two-way system in human relationships. I mean, that's the healthiest way, isn't it?

(Isn't it?)

I feel like for the most part, women still expect men to make the first move, but men (and women, actually) seem to be increasingly given the impression that making advances is a form of sexual harassment if it turns out they’re unwanted, but until you make an advance you can’t know if it’s unwanted or not. So nobody makes a move, and people stay alone. Cue resentment, and the creation of both male and female incels.
That's... exactly how I'm seeing it as well. I redid the quote to cater for your edit, but I wouldn't have disagreed with the original sentiment either, simply because those are the cases that seem to garner the most sensationalist media attention. But if we're honestly living in a society that causes this of all things...
I feel like a creep for making the first move too sometimes
... then we really are f**ked.

You're really left to feel like that, RadFem?? 😲


And as I was typing this, this gem of a thought came through:
I just mean that I think that some people feel a certain sense of entitlement to never be the subject of anyone else's fantasies and I'm a bit like "please explain to me why I should care about your non-problem, that you are strangely indignant about?" As long as someone doesn't harass me their thought are their own business really. Why do we (society we not you or me in particular) have this unhealthy obsession with trying to sanitize and sterilize the contents of our minds and sexuality until there is little to nothing left?
This discussion's gotten really interesting. 🤘😖❗

I like things like this.
 

ayase

State Alchemist
@RadFemHedonist that’s really interesting. That’s not really what I intended for anyone to take from those comments, but it’s entirely possible I didn’t explain myself very clearly there and I appreciate you questioning it so I can make it clearer.

What I meant by that was that I don’t feel comfortable openly objectifying real people. Hearing people make objectifying comments towards real people (either in person or on the internet) makes me cringe, and hearing the views of people who are the subjects of that objectification, I’m led to believe they find it quite upsetting. That’s the kind of thing I have no desire to contribute to (this attitude has its own issues though, as it doesn’t particularly account for those people who would enjoy such comments. I mean I probably would. I can only dream of being objectified, even being objectified by gay men or women I don’t find attractive would probably still up my self-esteem because it would tell me at least somebody finds me attractive).

With drawn or CGI characters though, there’s no guilt to feel, you’re not going to upset a fictional character by openly objectifying them. Posting a comment to the effect of “look at those knockers” on a picture of an anime girl is not going to be upsetting to anyone (or at least, not to anyone sane, I still suspect Ken Levine was attempting reverse psychology when he told people to stop making r34 of Elizabeth from BioShock), whereas posting the same comment on a real person’s instagram very well might.

In your head though? By all means objectify anything and everything, have whatever depraved fantasies you like about anyone, never ever did I intend to promote the idea of thought policing, especially not self thought policing.
 
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Neil.T

Titan
Why am I imagining @Neil.T sitting in an old armchair, legs crossed, hands in the Gendo pose, speaking with a German accent and puffing on a large cigar? :p
Because after the General Conversation Area, I'm trying to turn this into the Therapy Zone next; that's why! 😝

(Incidentally, take away the German accent from the Freud description above and you could be left with Groucho Marx instead. 😛)
 

Donut

Brigade Leader
(2d and anime girls are very, very good and cute ;) but the people we know and love have the cutest idiosyncrasies, they're unique!)

While I work in an environment where a lot of us are a bit unsure how next week onwards here in the UK is going to go, if people are going to be sensible and keep their wits for the most part or if we'll end up in another lockdown soon (not to ramble too much there but, that's a thing that's getting discussed a lot with my workplace lifting some restrictions carefully) I'm looking forward to being able to see my partner when it is safe to and getting the first jab felt good! I've reunited with my best friend and my other best friend is passing through my town on the way to another destination with their family so after a long long time it has felt lovely to see my friend's beautiful faces again 🥺 I feel very lucky and comfy to be with someone who has been so loving through all of the lockdowns and distance and a year later we still find lots of ways to coexist together that I look forward to. It's been a busy month for both of us so it felt like a while but we got to draw together before bed a couple nights ago and I forgot how much I love doing things like that with him! I will post whenever the day comes that we're getting to do that offline, but I feel even now that we're both very patient and chill about the long distance so even though we have wanted to meet already and go on adventures it's been worth the wait and hasn't caused any sort of tensions there that I think I've witnessed or seen happen before in the past with others or I've heard about.

I'm in that nice position where we've bonded a ton and we will get to even more when we can be together in person and that'll be a new chapter and it feels like everything is alligning gently and comfortably. I'm in a job I really love and I've really found my feet here, everyone there is like a second family to me, the future of my job is opening up with the new additions and what I can learn and potentially teach others, my mum and me are on much better terms since I learned how to carefully establish boundaries when I was in therapy and I feel that we have much better conversations as a result, and even if I live on my own and some of being here for long times without seeing any loved ones has been lonely I'm very thankful for the internet and technology meaning that we're still connected and able to play games together or talk over all the distance and stay in touch, that's really kept me going through this ❤️ The boyfriend has been amazing too and at this point I think we're both going to cry when we do get to run into eachother at the train station finally, it has been a long time coming.

Coming out of a rather toxic and draining relationship and a couple of equally as unhealthy friendships with people who didn't truly love or respect me (nor others 💀) in the last couple of years or so has made such a difference too and I feel a lot happier in myself in all these things which I'm feeling really thankful for. Getting better at speaking for myself and I still find I'm pretty blunt but it's simultaneously way way better than how I used to be which was someone who didn't speak enough and attracted toxic people who would walk all over me or treat me quite horribly. But now I am getting better at standing up, establishing boundaries, distancing from anyone or anything that abuses those and me, especially repeatedly. I have been stalked, harassed, taken advantage of and in a couple of instances in my life, traumatized, because of people like that. Cutting them off has felt so needed in order to grow and for myself to feel safe and I'm very fortunate to be in a loving relationship and have some very good friends online and offline. There are a lot of good people in the world really.

Happy pastry ;__;
 

Donut

Brigade Leader
Happy pastry to you too @Donut, happy pastry to you too :) <3 (yes I understand you were actually saying that you are a happy pastry, and it makes me happy to hear that!)

Thank you <3 Happy pastry is the same energy as Korone's "happy face!"

I got to reunite with one of my best friends today albeit briefly as they were passing through my town with family, on the way to a holiday! It feels so good to see their beautiful faces in person and eat lunch together and chat and I'm probably going to burst when I can hug my boyfriend, he's already sweet enough over calls so I'm prepared to melt at this point! 🥰
 

RadFemHedonist

Thousand Master
I might have found a lovely boyfriend! I've met him while staying with my mum and we both caught feels after one meeting sooo while there are certain things to be considered I am definitely wanting to find a way to make it work if possible :) We had a rly nice first date it was meant to be kinda casual and we ended up cuddling and whatnot in a secluded area, it was rly nice :) Then he came over last night for half an hour on his way to work and cuddles and er "whatnot" ensued. We chat loads online as well so for all that I had major reservations about an LDR before I think this could actually work, he said he wants to visit me in my own city soon after I go back there as well X3 I'm so excited! :)
 

Donut

Brigade Leader
Rad that's so lovely! It's good that you're considering certain things but know that things will work out together if you're both dedicated, please don't feel any pressure on yourself to make it work though! You'll both navigate the goods and the not so goods together and if he's a keeper, he'll most certainly be there for and with you. I'm so happy for you ❤️ 🥺 long distance relationships really bring out the feels when you do reunite or meet for the first time, I hope he can come to your city when you guys can meet again! I know I'm going to die a bit when my partner and me meet and that's actually coming up soon, just waiting for the second vaccination and having to work some extra shifts and sort my house out first!
 

RadFemHedonist

Thousand Master
Aww thanks so much @Donut! He and I are still talking and we are gonna meet up again tomorrow, we talked more about how we feel about each other and it turns out he was in an abusive longterm relationship fairly recently so he's not ready for another relationship yet, he said he does want a romantic relationship with me, just not right now, but we are still gonna talk online and he still wants to visit me when I go back home so I'm still really happy... I really feel for him though that must have been horrible for him :( But I firmly believe there is hope :)
 

Donut

Brigade Leader
Aww thanks so much @Donut! He and I are still talking and we are gonna meet up again tomorrow, we talked more about how we feel about each other and it turns out he was in an abusive longterm relationship fairly recently so he's not ready for another relationship yet, he said he does want a romantic relationship with me, just not right now, but we are still gonna talk online and he still wants to visit me when I go back home so I'm still really happy... I really feel for him though that must have been horrible for him :( But I firmly believe there is hope :)

Bless him, I can imagine how tough that was for him, so happy that he's out of there and I can understand that he's still healing but it's really warming that he's letting you in and it's good to take things slow- I have hope for you guys too and I'm sure that he needs time to heal and wants to honour that and your own relationship's future together. He's very lucky to have you in his life and I know you also have had your fair share of people who treated you badly...but you can give eachother the appreciation and love that you deserve!

You're very genuine and respectful and I think it's cool that you understand and appreciate the fact that he isn't ready as well. I think it can really hurt, or be frustrating, that sometimes there are people out there who stay or make friends with us with an ulterior end goal in mind of "I'm going to get a relationship out of this as soon as possible" and similar things. I had a friend once who was not only emotionally abusive towards me, but they only maintained the friendship when they had this very unhealthy crush and goal of making me their girlfriend even though it was never going to happen. I had to cut them off in the end, they got way too scary and unhealthy. They always got unhealthily obsessed with girl after girl and didn't understand what friendships were because they were so fixated on meeting girls with only a relationship in mind and they'd push this pressure onto me and the rebound girls after and then wonder why they always got ghosted or cut off, incredibly unhealthy! Part of me used to feel guilty because it was a result of continued rebounds that they'd drop at the turn of a hat for me because they were using those girls to replace me but still obsessed over me to mutual friends, so those girls also got messed about repeatedly and I had my friendship abused which was gross too. Anyhow, I think about that, how we have to be careful of the toxic kinds of people who are that deluded or have those very ulterior motives, and how this was when I'd rejected them, but I know people who have also had a situation where they did have romantic feelings but weren't ready and got pressured and ultimately shut off from the other person's pressures, so please know that you're definitely someone this guy feels safe around, trusts, and the way you're handling this is so good of you. Have a good time getting to know one another further tomorrow x
 

RadFemHedonist

Thousand Master
I decided not to pursue it any further cuz there were certain things he said that made me afraid he might rape or sexually assault me... couldn't be sure but it's not worth the risk, though I did offer to be online friends with him still cuz I care about him, dunno if he'll talk to me again ^^ I'm OK though, tbh I think a lot of what stops me from being happy single is judgments that other people place on the way a person lives their life, that I have internalized, so I'm doing what I can to break free of all that, and live in a way that makes me happy rather than trying to live up to other's standards. Thanks for what you said @Donut, I really appreciate it, I'm sorry I never replied and I hope you and your mum are happy and well as you read this :) ❤️
 

Donut

Brigade Leader
I decided not to pursue it any further cuz there were certain things he said that made me afraid he might rape or sexually assault me... couldn't be sure but it's not worth the risk, though I did offer to be online friends with him still cuz I care about him, dunno if he'll talk to me again ^^ I'm OK though, tbh I think a lot of what stops me from being happy single is judgments that other people place on the way a person lives their life, that I have internalized, so I'm doing what I can to break free of all that, and live in a way that makes me happy rather than trying to live up to other's standards. Thanks for what you said @Donut, I really appreciate it, I'm sorry I never replied and I hope you and your mum are happy and well as you read this :) ❤️

I'm glad that you're trusting your gut, any red flags or things that make you uncomfortable are important to make note of and you've done what you needed to do in order to feel safe and comfortable. It's hard when you've experienced a lot of trauma, to trust again, but it's good that you're able to focus on yourself and that you recognize that your happiness and self acceptance is the priority here! I think the right person will not only make you feel 100% safe without any inklings of doubt, but they'll show you the utmost appreciation and support what makes YOU truly happy. So I'm proud of you ❤️ I know this must have been hard and to have to experience these fears because this guy showed red flags must have been overwhelming. I hope you're doing alright! You're very strong.

Thank you for the love too! I've been a little quiet, I finished my extra work shifts and my mum phoned me in tears two days ago......it's stage three cancer and unfortunately it is malignant. That is what we were waiting on: if the cancer was a later stage, benign, malignant and the rest. She gets the dates soon and I'm soon going to be travelling three hours back home to be with her and stay as her carer for a while. Work already know and are supportive, so I might end up being pretty awol for the rest of the year. I swear cancer and illness follow my family and that literally every traumatic or difficult thing has happened in the autumn or winter, which is weird and a little sad because mum's birthday is in autumn and it's my favourite season.

The boyfriend has been very supportive too and doesn't mind that we won't get to meet yet and friends have been brilliant, I've just taken a few days to exist if I'm honest! I think I've got two work days coming up so I'm just going to get everything done that needs doing because I have a feeling this or next week might be my last there for some time.....so I'll leave the place with everything done so my lovely colleagues have nothing to worry about in my place as it's been really mad here.

She had breast cancer when I was little and twenty-one years later it's come back so at best it's going to be radiotherapy and another lumpectomy, then they have to remove her lymph nodes and if it has already spread sadly she'll need chemo and that's what really damaged my dad before he died. I'm twenty seven and my mum is barely sixty and dad was just seventy when he died a few years ago and it's really hard to wrap my head around. On top of that, I'm young but there's been a few reasons for me to be worried recently even before this news so I too might need to go back and ask for some checks. You can't get a mammogram under forty but with the repeated cancer cases in both halves of my family and now mum getting breast cancer again I have a feeling the hospital won't be sending an apology letter back this time saying the links aren't strong enough. It's just mum and me now so it's very strange. But I have to be strong and responsible and I've managed to keep my head up for her and be a support and that's what I'll continue to do.
 

RadFemHedonist

Thousand Master
I'm glad that you're trusting your gut, any red flags or things that make you uncomfortable are important to make note of and you've done what you needed to do in order to feel safe and comfortable. It's hard when you've experienced a lot of trauma, to trust again, but it's good that you're able to focus on yourself and that you recognize that your happiness and self acceptance is the priority here! I think the right person will not only make you feel 100% safe without any inklings of doubt, but they'll show you the utmost appreciation and support what makes YOU truly happy. So I'm proud of you ❤️ I know this must have been hard and to have to experience these fears because this guy showed red flags must have been overwhelming. I hope you're doing alright! You're very strong.

Thank you for the love too! I've been a little quiet, I finished my extra work shifts and my mum phoned me in tears two days ago......it's stage three cancer and unfortunately it is malignant. That is what we were waiting on: if the cancer was a later stage, benign, malignant and the rest. She gets the dates soon and I'm soon going to be travelling three hours back home to be with her and stay as her carer for a while. Work already know and are supportive, so I might end up being pretty awol for the rest of the year. I swear cancer and illness follow my family and that literally every traumatic or difficult thing has happened in the autumn or winter, which is weird and a little sad because mum's birthday is in autumn and it's my favourite season.

The boyfriend has been very supportive too and doesn't mind that we won't get to meet yet and friends have been brilliant, I've just taken a few days to exist if I'm honest! I think I've got two work days coming up so I'm just going to get everything done that needs doing because I have a feeling this or next week might be my last there for some time.....so I'll leave the place with everything done so my lovely colleagues have nothing to worry about in my place as it's been really mad here.

She had breast cancer when I was little and twenty-one years later it's come back so at best it's going to be radiotherapy and another lumpectomy, then they have to remove her lymph nodes and if it has already spread sadly she'll need chemo and that's what really damaged my dad before he died. I'm twenty seven and my mum is barely sixty and dad was just seventy when he died a few years ago and it's really hard to wrap my head around. On top of that, I'm young but there's been a few reasons for me to be worried recently even before this news so I too might need to go back and ask for some checks. You can't get a mammogram under forty but with the repeated cancer cases in both halves of my family and now mum getting breast cancer again I have a feeling the hospital won't be sending an apology letter back this time saying the links aren't strong enough. It's just mum and me now so it's very strange. But I have to be strong and responsible and I've managed to keep my head up for her and be a support and that's what I'll continue to do.

I really feel for you and wish you and your family all the love and happiness. (I'm sorry wasn't sure what else to say. I love autumn too). Thankyou so much for your support with my relationship troubles, and please take all the time you need to help your mum and take good care of yourself, also if you want to PM me please feel free (sorry I never PM'ed you... I guess I didn't want to impose).
 
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