Poetry By Ramen89?(Whats the world coming too)Please read :)

Ramen89

Thousand Master
I really dont know why Im doing this because I'll probably just get told its a piece of crap (which it probably is)

Ok, just before you read my poems, dont expect anything funny, its drastically the oposite of that. I have no idea why the hell I wrote these poems, just because I was bored I suppose but I did put quite alot of effort into them so If you could read them and give me some honest feedback then it would be much appreciated. There may also be a few gramatic mistakes :oops:

P.S. Its suprisingly dark and gloomy poetry from a 16 year old, to be honest Im not really sure what posessed me to make them so unhappy because Im not like a goth or anything (no offense). So enjoy I guess.
And please only mature people, not in an age sense but mental age :lol:

http://members.aol.com/zwanster03/memory.rtf
http://members.aol.com/zwanster03/Ablaze.rtf
http://members.aol.com/zwanster03/Torment.rtf
http://members.aol.com/zwanster03/Voices.rtf
 
There really good i like them alot, im not a goth or anything but the goryness is great lolz. There short but full of life, witch sounds wired i guess but that wat i see in them, when i read them ^_^ but they really r great uve got a great talent for wrighting. :3
 
Thanks alot both of you, I really have no idea why the subject matter of them were all so dark, probably because I wrote the memory one first then I couldn't really do a happy one because it would look strange in comparison :lol:
 
Lol, I was kind of unsure about writing that one because I thought it was a bit too dark but it had a certain something about it that I liked so I kept it.
 
Mm. Very deep and meaningful. I too like the torment. I think it's sad that everyone dies. =S I'm fond of poetry, but only write when i have to.
 
They're not bad, though there is room for improvement in all of them - some more than others. And there are quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes, but I still get your meaning. :wink:

I think that Ablaze is, poetically, the best one - and also my favourite. Since this is poetry, I think that instead of having "The flames seem to dance around him as if there [sic] enjoying watching him suffer" you could say something like:

"the flames dance around him
enjoying watching him suffer"



Which is alot more poetic, and actually brings the flames to life - personifying them by actually having them dancing and watching and enjoying (though "enjoying watching..." to me sounds a bit awkward, so you could reword it as "delighted at his suffering", "delighting in seeing him suffer" or something to that effect =P) .

The same could go for " “As if that would make any differenceâ€
 
Also, is anyone else having any problems viewing 'Memory'? When I open it I just get a lot of HTML and javascript. I searched through it, but I didn't manage to find any pieces of the poem, just alot of stuff about AOL.

Oh thats strange, maybe AOL deleted it or something.

Thanks alot for the comments, I read back over them a few days ago and realised that quite a few of them were poor, some of the had things that I liked but then the rest of it was just crap :lol:

And there are quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes

Tell me about it, thats what I get when I have to write in Wordpad :lol:
 
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