Relationships and Romance

Neil.T said:
Sorry to drag this comment from another thread and everything, but it's provided some real food for thought since reading it:

I got to pondering how much I've ever really even attempted that in all my days. How much is it really a requirement to be able to get anywhere with, you know, the difficult stuff? I'm sure I wouldn't even be capable of it: it'd just make me feel like a total creep.

I mean, innocent conversation I can do easily; anything beyond that, though...
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Ah, is that the comment I made about that image of Shinji strangling Asuka that you showed me? XD

Regarding your statement though in serious light though, I'm probably not the best person to give advice, as someone who is absolutely hopeless at that kind of stuff. Added to that, I'm naturally a very friendly person, and I've often stepped back and wondered are my friendly gestures and overtures being misinterpreted unintentionally? It has happened before and it's awkward as heck :S I love being friendly with people; it's just how I am.

I think it has to start with conversation, to generate a rapport - find a common ground and once you can get talking about things, I think confidence comes from there to be able to initiate a cheeky flirt so to speak, to test waters. I think it's safe to say that so long as conversation is tasteful and respectful, you won't be perceived as a total creep :)
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
I think it's safe to say that so long as conversation is tasteful and respectful, you won't be perceived as a total creep :)
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I always, always keep it tasteful and respectful. I absolutely insist upon that. Probably to the point of being just too scared to move.
~AyaMachi~ said:
I think confidence comes from there to be able to initiate a cheeky flirt so to speak, to test waters.
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It's interesting, because I just can't imagine being able to do that without causing some horrible reaction of revulsion. I think even the "confidence" bit eludes me. But then, of course it does: I've no experience of success to draw upon. Hmm.
 
Neil.T said:
Sorry to drag this comment from another thread and everything, but it's provided some real food for thought since reading it:

I got to pondering how much I've ever really even attempted that in all my days. How much is it really a requirement to be able to get anywhere with, you know, the difficult stuff? I'm sure I wouldn't even be capable of it: it'd just make me feel like a total creep.

I mean, innocent conversation I can do easily; anything beyond that, though...
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I've always been awful at flirting I've been stone faced many a time. I've always thought of it as making someone laugh enough until tour more comftoble talking about them I don't want to sound sad though but I've forgotten what interest in another person is like, I wouldn't mind if someone started flirting though
 
Neil.T said:
I always, always keep it tasteful and respectful. I absolutely insist upon that. Probably to the point of being just too scared to move.

It's interesting, because I just can't imagine being able to do that without causing some horrible reaction of revulsion. I think even the "confidence" bit eludes me. But then, of course it does: I've no experience of success to draw upon. Hmm.
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Well, in all the conversations I've had with you, you've come across as completely respectful. Trust me, I've been on forums/Discord chats in the past where I've been absolutely appauled by the things that are said - derogatory and hateful comments that make fun of people; it's why I left. I can take a joke, but I have morals and principles at the end of the day, and if it means sticking by them and ending up with no friends, so be it!

There is such a thing as being too nice I guess; I've learned that the hard way - don't let people treat you like a door mat or take advantage of you in anyway. It's more about being assertive I think; I respectful balance of being kind but firm. It's taken me years to get to where I am, and I still have days where I don't feel confident; and granted I'm not at my best these days due to difficult circumstances, I'm a HECK of alot better than I was years ago! It takes time, but I guess I wanted to make the positive change for myself as well, else I wouldn't be the person I am now!

Regarding confidence, it will come, but only if you want it to. I'm actually surprised; you come across as someone who seems quite confident enough - I can't guage facial expressions or body language, but it's just based on the way you put yourself across on here. You get involved in conversations with others and you always word things well :)
 
Captaaainuniverse said:
I've always been awful at flirting I've been stone faced many a time. I've always thought of it as making someone laugh enough until tour more comftoble talking about them I don't want to sound sad though but I've forgotten what interest in another person is like, I wouldn't mind if someone started flirting though
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People in movies make flirting look easy; I think it's more like an art! I'm usually oblivious as to when someone is flirting with me though (not that it happens often) XD
 
@ Captaaainuniverse

I think making people laugh is an important thing though, even if you're not doing it with the intentions of flirting. It's just a nice and fun thing and if you're funny people will value it; I like to think most people who are human have a sense of humour ;)
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
Well, in all the conversations I've had with you, you've come across as completely respectful.
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Thanks, Aya. All of that means a hell of a lot to me. It's a very rare and precious thing to be able to get some female input on this stuff, so thanks ever so much for chipping in.

I must say that I'm surprised myself that you'd describe yourself as "hopeless" with this stuff, because you come across as very lively and responsive. That's not bloody fair for you!
 
Neil.T said:
You mean even from your side? Yeah, it kind of gets to the stage where your heart kind of freezes over, doesn't it?
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It's natural to feel all kinds of nervous anxiety in situations when you're intentions are romantic. It shows you're human for a start - anyone who is "too cool" in their approach to courtship (old fashioned XD) should be treated with caution in my opinion. Even the most confident of people can stumble when it comes to trying to initiate conversation between somneone you're interested in! It's a natural response :)
 
Personally I flirt quite a lot, don’t mean anything by it. Ultimately it’s a facade so people won’t see just how uncomfortable I am actually communing with them. It took a while to get used to but y’know with practice it becomes easier.

Edit: I must also say anytime I’ve been into someone I drop the flirting. Possibly not the beat approach to start a romance but I’d rather treat someone I’m into with more honesty and respect than to just throw some flirting which I mean nothing by their way.
 
Neil.T said:
Thanks, Aya. All of that means a hell of a lot to me. It's a very rare and precious thing to be able to get some female input on this stuff, so thanks ever so much for chipping in.

I must say that I'm surprised myself that you'd describe yourself as "hopeless" with this stuff, because you come across as very lively and responsive. That's not bloody fair for you!
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Nah dude, it's cool! I pride myself on honesty when divulging opinions on any matter and if you can take any grain of comfort from it then that's great in my book ;) I'm naturally a helpful person, moreso towards other people than when it comes to helping myself mind you!

Ah, I do like to have a jibe at myself; it's all in jest. I'm actually not really as well-versed as I appear; as I say, I'm just an open, honest and friendly person - WYSIWYG with me! I'm a late bloomer in life and I never dated in my youth; wasn't interested, nor did I have the confidence (too busy battling crippling OCD). First partner at 26; it was a set-up from a colleague but I went with it. Turned out to be a douchbag of the highest order. Longest relationship was 15 months; it didn't work out. So I've not really had a great feal of experience.

Thanks though Neil, it's kind of you to say. I honestly sometimes feel like I forget how to socialise; it's been that long. Literally I have no friends close to me and despite still living with family, we don't talk all that much (very dysfunctional here).
 
Neil.T said:
You mean even from your side? Yeah, it kind of gets to the stage where your heart kind of freezes over, doesn't it?
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Kind of. When I was in school I only remember like 2 girls may have had a crush on me, but they never spent any time with me and only their friends and others told me, I just pit it off as people teasing me I was always quiet and never made any real friends.
One girl was pinching my ass for 2 years, but that was just to get a laugh out of everyone.
 
~AyaMachi~ said:
I'm a late bloomer in life and I never dated in my youth
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Heh, maybe I'm just an even later bloomer! (Joke falls flat with self.)
I didn't even manage to ask someone out until I was 25! What an absolute physical wreck I was afterwards from the sheer sickening stress of it. (She said yes at the time, btw, but subsequently changed her mind.)
I've never attempted it since. How many 36-year-olds do you know who've never even been on a date? (Do people still even go on "dates", or is that old-fashioned as well?)
~AyaMachi~ said:
Literally I have no friends close to me
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Heh, you'd better put me in that same boat, then! People seem to get fed up of me very quickly. If I knew why, I'd stop doing whatever it is I'm doing wrong.
 
Neil.T said:
Heh, maybe I'm just an even later bloomer! (Joke falls flat with self.)
I didn't even manage to ask someone out until I was 25! What an absolute physical wreck I was afterwards from the sheer sickening stress of it. (She said yes at the time, btw, but subsequently changed her mind.)
I've never attempted it since. How many 36-year-olds do you know who've never even been on a date? (Do people still even go on "dates", or is that old-fashioned as well?)

Heh, you'd better put me in that same boat, then! People seem to get fed up of me very quickly. If I knew why, I'd stop doing whatever it is I'm doing wrong.
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Don’t know why people would get fed up of you tbh, you’re a good guy in my book. Seems like you’d be a good catch.
 
Out of curiosity here, has anyone who is struggling to make traction in their love lives ever considered trying out something over the phone with people or via internet etc? I ended up having some weird phone thing with someone at one point and it helped give me more confidence in approaching my OH with romantic intentions.
 
Neil.T said:
Heh, maybe I'm just an even later bloomer! (Joke falls flat with self.)
I didn't even manage to ask someone out until I was 25! What an absolute physical wreck I was afterwards from the sheer sickening stress of it. (She said yes at the time, btw, but subsequently changed her mind.)
I've never attempted it since. How many 36-year-olds do you know who've never even been on a date? (Do people still even go on "dates", or is that old-fashioned as well?)

Heh, you'd better put me in that same boat, then! People seem to get fed up of me very quickly. If I knew why, I'd stop doing whatever it is I'm doing wrong.
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Ah, I can well understand that; it takes guts to do it! It was a little bit easier for me, for whilst I've been the one doing the asking in the relationships I've had, it's generally from a stage where we've already been conversing to get to know one another; I guess it was just in the spirit of "making it official", (if it wasn't already obvious) XD

Dates? I think it's "Netflix and chill" these days XD In all seriousness, I don't know if it's juts that culture is evolving anad whatnot, but a date these days seems more like just "hanging out". Not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but I think lines can become incredibly blurred if it's not stated that you're going on a date from the off. As a generation we seem to be losing the art of communication (perhaps owing to social media outlets), but things can get to a point where it's just too ambiguous!

I'm pretty sure you're doing nothing wring mate ;) If you're a respectful person, and you're respectful to others, there's a chance that they're the problem. One thing I've learned? Stop trying to please everyone; it aint gonna happen! If they don't like you, they don't like you, but that's their loss. Just carry on being you. I'm past the point of giving a flying fig what people might think of me!
 
Neil.T said:
Hah, thanks, man. I dunno. I do try my best. It's just... never ever been good enough, apparently.

I'm taking banter lessons from you, Sensei! ;)
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I would say stop trying too hard to please other people - focus less on the impression you make on others and just focus on being you. If you're genuine and respectful, people will like you for the real you. You can't please veryone though; those who don't appreciate you at your best self probably don't deserve to know you anyway. Let them get on; focus on those who do like you can care about what you have to offer!
 
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