Finding Love

XENO

Hikikomori
I was wondering how people find love with very specific interests?

like it’s impossible to find a girl who even likes anime on any dating apps it’s so annoying!!!

i just want to find a women to watch anime with is that hard to ask for 😭
 

Captaaainuniverse

Time-Traveller
I’m not the best guru but my own experience and some prior knowledge says; don’t look on apps. Virtually everyone has heard of the OKcupid stats by now. Apparently guys aren’t very fussy but girls using apps will look for the top 20% of most attractive men on those sites and if you look into it you’ll find some element of truth to it, it’s all about status and looks

either the girls using them aren’t into anime or they never say it, getting to know someone face to face is much better though. You and girls will see much more than looks and status when you know much more about each other.

Hell my sister in law knew my brother from Facebook, she was there for him when his was going through a relationship with another girl and it was going south. He was going through a slump after it and she just said to him he’ll never have a chance with her if he doesn’t make the effort to go see her, I’ve never seen a man travel the country so fast now their kid’s 9
 

Rui

Karamatsu Boy
Administrator
Going to give conflicting advice because that stuff about status and looks is nonsense. It's like saying that all men look for in a woman is their bra size; some people do work like that but it's not productive to start out by assuming that all hope is lost just because some guy you overheard at your local will only date girls who look a certain way. What people look for in a hookup and what they want in a loving relationship are not the same things - status and looks are also completely subjective labels, to the point that they're meaningless in a general sense.

There's nothing wrong with apps or dating sites, though you're going to get a very different mix of people depending on the app/site you're using. Some focus on physical attraction and downplay quirks of personality, which is actively unhelpful when you're looking for something inherently quirky, while others focus on what is written in the profile. Finding anything worthwhile in profiles is a nightmare; a lot of people try to seem as inoffensive and likeable as possible in their profiles which makes it impossible to actually latch onto much other than the obvious red flags.

From my experience, women putting themselves 'out there' on dating apps/sites don't usually mention any actual hobbies beyond maybe a favourite book or movie, because most women who do anything else growing up get relentlessly bullied - until they no longer want to be the kind of person who puts their profile on a dating site at all. It's not as bad nowadays but there's still a knock-on effect when it comes to what people think is acceptable to mention to a prospective date.

It feels like the best way to confront this is to be very direct about what you are looking for (and search the nerdier, less hookup-friendly apps more than the bigger ones). The problem there is that female geeks tend to get swarmed with attention the moment their profile goes online because there's a big imbalance in the gender ratio across almost all of the dating apps/sites. If you ever want an eye-opening experience, sign up to a dating site as a woman and see how quickly the notifications start appearing. You don't even need to use a picture.

Otherwise your best options are to look for someone fun and open-minded then introduce them to anime yourself, which is a perfectly viable route many couples take, or to befriend some anime fans and see whether anything develops. Please don't befriend people just to steer them into a relationship and ditch them if they're not interested, though; I think a few people have bad experiences of being on the other side of that!

I remember back when I was young (we still had dinosaurs in those days) when I mentioned my anime hobby to some (female) schoolmates. My fear was that they would be disgusted but they all thought it was pretty cool and lamented that they'd never had the chance to check it out themselves; I could easily have lent them some carefully-curated stuff and converted them if I hadn't been a shy loser with no social skills.

The great thing about anime is that there's literally something for everyone so long as you're open minded about genre; so long as you're not expecting them to become a super-otaku overnight I'm sure that your dream of curling up on the sofa to watch One Piece with someone is completely achievable.

R
 

Captaaainuniverse

Time-Traveller
I’m gonna go a bit into the battle here, I did watch a few videos before on a woman using pictures of her friend for a profile and making him sound like what she thinks is interesting, I can’t see it in my YT history at all though which is kind of fishy, but basically she poses as a guy much like how her friend is and she ends up being treated like countless guys - she’s happy to have over 20 matches in one day but a lot of them ghost her or don’t reply at all, and well, she’s a decent woman so she’d understand how much attention women get, but virtually none of them really leading to anything close to a date means it’s not subjective, many of these women are looking for the same standard, and there’s a lot of average guys like her friend

it happens to me too, apps are the worst thing to happen to dating. I’ve only had dates with people I’ve actually met, I’ve met someone off a chat site, none of them on dating apps have really had the attention span to lead to a date or to ask me. People your friends might know, people you meet by chance, actually making a friend, those are tried and tested methods that still work

the story, well not really part of the story with my brother and his wife, is that they are not really into the same stuff at all. You’re looking more for a friend or someone to share it with if you’re looking for someone into gaming/anime etc the real hobby sort of stuff you love, if you want a relationship, don’t sweat the small stuff, couples are really lucky if they are into the same things

maybe I’m bitter about it and I question what “love” is, but sometimes “love” just happens. Keep your chin up, see if you need to work on yourself or anything you’d like to do, and someone may notice that confidence. I myself think if I did something that worked out for the better though that I’d reject anyone since they didn’t “like me for me” before I improved, just don’t fall into that trap it’s a laughably dumb thought, people just like seeing someone at their best
 

XENO

Hikikomori
Thank you all for giving me advice and knowledge on this situation.

i really appreciate you taking your time out of your day to help me!

i just think it’s really hard because in the UK I think women find it easy to get judged by men for there likes and their appearance. Which I think has a affect on women using dating apps etc especially if they’re not very social etc.

im going to take all advice into account and post a update in the near future to help others who maybe wanting to find someone :)
 

Professor Irony

CYBER FUNKER
Moderator
If you're looking at the more targeted services, I would say to avoid Animeloversdating.com. Cheekily, they appear to be combining their membership with others under the same ownership to make it look like there are more potential matches, so you'll see profiles from other sites as well (reading some of the profiles, I'm guessing one is 'vegandating.com', for example), but they'll also tell you people are near you when they're not ('user x is in London, just 3km away!' Thanks, I am in Scotland) and most troublingly, they seem to fudge the ages on user profiles to make you think people are closer to you in age than they really are.

It's just skeezy as hell and I'm glad I didn't give them any genuine personal information.
 

Vashdaman

Za Warudo
I do get where you're coming from. I'd love to be able to curl up and watch a couple episodes of My Little Monster with someone one day. And I'm sure that's plausible. I'd say that's plausible with most open minded people.
 
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Captaaainuniverse

Time-Traveller
1. If you’re concerned about her walking the walk, then you’re gonna have to actively do something about it. Girls can be self centred in a way that you need to make them feel they are more important than the things you care about, that they are important enough to take action first thing.

I’ve been on dates where I didn’t really do a lot while hanging out and the girl’s told me soon after they’ve slept with someone else, I’m not very forgiving so I cut ties after hearing that, it just may be those girls personally or maybe they just wanted to test a reaction (girls, don’t test reactions from guys. Even if the guy knows it’s just for a reaction it’s still getting a rise out of them) I’ve also heard and seen girls just walk off with other guys, cheat etc and the previous BFbeing left with nothing but a sop story, the thing is, even if these guys do have their own lives, they still did nothing

2. If you still have that sense of shame pull your trousers up, they may have fallen down
 

Rui

Karamatsu Boy
Administrator
Good luck Vash; maybe suck her in with Gundam 00 or Iron-Blooded Orphans first since they're definitely Gundam but also more accessible, then move on to the gorgeous setpieces of Unicorn? I think you share the same issue with those of us who cut our teeth during the 'anime is for nerds' era; it's difficult to get past all of the negativity we perceived around our hobby earlier on, when we were more vulnerable in our opinions.

I’ve been on dates where I didn’t really do a lot while hanging out and the girl’s told me soon after they’ve slept with someone else

This is something that has seriously happened to you personally on more than one occasion, i.e. enough to warn strangers about it? o_O

You know, your posts always seem to involve a lot of generalisations and hatred specifically directed towards women. I think it would be healthy to address that one day, without acting as though every woman in the world is out to manipulate all of mankind. What does it really add to any adult conversation about love to make statements like "Girls can be self centred"? It's dehumanising.

R
 

Captaaainuniverse

Time-Traveller
Where as I can’t ignore there is at least some attempt to control the public by many groups, I think it’s more than women, if you think it’s “hatred towards women” that’s you jumping at shadows, chief, put it up to awkwardness as I’ve not had much interaction with people in I don’t know how long, some people who have listened in the past it ended up working out.

I do think the first point is heavily loaded, especially with generalisation but it’s not like I know what the whole deal is, I can only work those generalisations off what I believe thought which is that women work to keep a social circle and interest with that social circle while men are just happy given something to do

and from what I remember, it did happen twice. Each time different girls. Something like that’s happened to both my brothers too, I don’t want to scare people into being closed off but it happens, the longer and closer you are with people the less chance they’d do something like that, people who aren’t close do often think of themselves
 

Rui

Karamatsu Boy
Administrator
I believe thought which is that women work to keep a social circle and interest with that social circle while men are just happy given something to do

This is where you are going wrong, in my opinion - it's folly to assume that just because a person's body is shaped one way or another, it has a direct relationship to how their mind works. Many, many men invest ridiculous amounts of time and energy into cultivating elaborate social circles too, while many, many women are happiest snuggled up in an armchair reading a book on their own. I'm sorry to hear that you and your brothers have had so many terrible experiences, but I'm reasonably confident that I can find anecdotal, one-sided evidence of men acting like cheating, careless jerks to female partners too if I put my mind to it. This stuff is not a girl thing, it's something that a particular kind of sociopath does to others if a relationship is in that much of a mess.

You're doing others a disservice by giving advice based on personal prejudices, and you're doing yourself a disservice by not questioning these 'truths' which don't stand up to logical examination. I'm normally content to just roll my eyes and move along but I genuinely feel bad for the young women reading this stuff constantly being forced to see how negatively they are perceived by their fellow fans on a bally anime forum. Remember that anyone reading what you say about women in a forum viewable by the public might well be a woman themselves. Think about your audience and how your words make them feel. Kindness is a trait a thousand times more attractive than 'status and looks' to anyone worth considering for a long term relationship.

R
 

Captaaainuniverse

Time-Traveller
I would say I can only really talk of my own experience, anyone is free to bring their own experience in to it too, men and women, whether its negative, or as I would say to bring the thread more in line with its intention positive. To shave down my generalisations to something simpler for those in the thread...

@XENO here's something I found on dating sites being harder for men


There are a few paragraphs on "solutions" but some of the unlucky guys have already been trying them. I would need to find more data on this, but what I say now is about the general environment of dating apps; guys will want to match with about half the site, but girls are being picky, it is up to a point about status, about the trophy BF, what I think it is would be that women think it is easier to find that type of guy on those sites, I don't need to tell you though that if those guys do in fact exist, they don't need the apps. I have a feeling though that the user base is shifting to be heavily female, meaning if they looked for 10% of men before now its more like 5% since men dissatisfied with those apps have left, while more women will still use them

Your much more likely to get the girl working up the courage to know them first than to trust the apps, I have tried them and I've found myself bored out of my skull and feeling like my own standards are skewed, real people wouldn't make you feel like that

I highly encourage not to take my words as wrote, but take a look at the link at least and do some of your own sleuthing

@Vashdaman again I don't know who you're with, and I should have said this before, but she sounds... bored? Not of you of course. I will say again women have walked from a relationship where the guy has done nothing, though I don't think you're quite in that boat. Lockdown rules are easing up a bit and the pandemic has driven everyone bats. I'm just thinking she wants you to at least ask if you guys could do something

@Rui My main man, you keep talking this and that and making it sound that I've only come up with anecdotal stuff with I've put some genuine experience in there too. I haven't noticed you saying anything about yourself, so I would say I will respect you coming up with something on your experience within the intent of the thread, positive or negative, I won't make generalisations about it its something that happened to you.

I can't believe I have to put it into writing though but any women who have experiences that could be relevant are free to jot it down, I've not said anything against women joining in
 

Rui

Karamatsu Boy
Administrator
I highly encourage not to take my words as wrote, but take a look at the link at least and do some of your own sleuthing

Sure. Here's why that link you posted is not helpful in a thread about finding love (as opposed to finding short term hookups on dating sites).
  • It is specifically written for a marketing site where their business model is to portray online dating as hopeless in order to sell their service of dating coaching, which renders any 'fact' in that article suspect as best. Where would you go to get advice on healthy eating: the McDonald's website or an independent medical site? Where would you go to find information on your favourite music group, the group's own website or a fan site set up by its haters? That dating site has an agenda and that agenda is not about helping people. It's about selling a service.
  • She's also blatantly paid to be promoting Hinge since she mentions it every time there's an opportunity, then mentions it more in her links within the article. Not directly relevant but worth noting. It's always good to know who is profiting when an agenda is being pushed.
  • Is the writer a qualified psychologist? No. Is there any sign that she is in a relationship herself? No. Is there any sign that she has, in fact, ever been in a lasting relationship herself? No. Is there any evidence that her advice helps anyone beyond a bunch of anonymous testimonials? No. By her own website's admission, her only claim of expertise is that she went on a bunch of dates with 52 men, 8 years ago. I'm not sure that I'm ready to take her word as gospel on anything at all.
  • The article uses 'most attractive' as a metric but never defines what that actually means (or links back to the also-biased commercial source, which might have done so). The reader probably assumes that it means 'most conventionally handsome' and then spews out a load of 'women only like hot guys' stuff on forums as though it's fact, but what does 'most attractive' actually mean? 'Having qualities or features which arouse interest'. Suddenly, the data means nothing. The most popular people on the site are the most interesting, which covers looks, personality, spelling ability, selfie-taking-skills, hobbies, career, height, weight, age, wealth, style, intellect and everything else in the world depending on the person doing the looking. So the statement is actually saying that the people with the best profiles get the most interest. Well, duh. That's going to be true everywhere.
  • Consider the phrasing too. It's framed as though that top 10% getting the most likes are 'them' and the bottom 50% getting overlooked are 'you'. That's a calculated manipulation tactic. They are positioning you, the reader, as a loser in need of their help. Anyone who keeps reading after that kind of statement is hooked in their net, ready to listen to what they are told. Those who stop reading were never going to invest in her counselling anyway, so who cares.
  • Men being less selective than woman is positioned as the problem behind why men are struggling to use the apps, but rather than encouraging men to be more selective too the site trashes women for snaring men who are 'way out of their league' (ok...) and introduces the narrative that they are elitist. It also trashes the women the men do match with by asserting that they will 'not be up to snuff', making it impossible for the type of male reader they're targeting to see the solution. Again, the writer has an agenda.
  • Suddenly, later on, 'attractive' is stealth-defined as 'crazy hot'. That's interesting, because that isn't what the word means. There is no objective attractive ideal and there never has been in the history of the human race. For every woman who thinks that Netflix's Geralt of Rivia is their ideal beau, there are hundreds of others who would prefer Jaskier, or Cahir, or Mousesack (or Yennefer, let's be real here). This covert redefinition is no accident; the writer is trying to make women appear driven by looks. But that's not what the statistics they cited (or invented) actually mean.
  • The article posits that online dating is harder than picking people up in bars because women (poor, stupid women) have learnt to filter their candidates, which they didn't ever do before. Anyone who has gone out on enough bar trips and ended up hating themselves drinking alone all night will tell you that it's not always easy offline too. Spoiler alert, women have filters in real life too. Just because they don't show up in an interface doesn't mean that you don't get disqualified as a date candidate if you rock up in a bar and don't match their preferences. Men have the same filters. Maybe they don't want to date someone who has tattoos, or the wrong coloured hair, or the wrong kind of laugh. Think about it; would you date Prince Charles if he showed up at a bar and made eyes at you? No? It's common sense to assume that everyone has preferences, both physical and otherwise. Any dating coach who brags that their tips will get you 'any' woman you want is filling your head with nonsense on purpose to get your money. Some women are not 'obtainable', by you, ever, because their preferences are fundamentally incompatible with who you are. Similarly, some women can never 'obtain' you either because no matter how desperate you feel you will never, ever, ever find them attractive in the right way. It goes both ways. It's working as designed.
  • When she stops driving her agenda so hard and actually adds content, 'Stand out by penning an awesome bio. Let humor be your x-factor.' and the stuff about keeping cool is actually good advice. It's a shame that she buries the relevant advice behind so much spite so that she can position herself as an expert by shooting everyone else down first (including the reader). Shame on her. She can do better than that.
  • To be fair to her, the service probably does help people who needs a confidence boost and some social skills. As a society we aren't very good at educating people in relationships. But her blogs are nothing but marketing for that service. Never forget that.

@Rui can't believe I have to put it into writing though but any women who have experiences that could be relevant are free to jot it down, I've not said anything against women joining in

No, but your hostility is discouraging. Even in this post we learn that:
  • women have walked from a relationship where the guy has done nothing
  • girls are being picky
  • it is up to a point about status
  • it's about the trophy BF (incidentally, the term "trophy girlfriend" is used 6x more frequently in Google search results than the neologism you cite)
There is no balance; the narrative is always 'guys are normal and cool, women are a hive mind'. You come across as being very bitter towards women. Why would any sane woman engage with such a debate?

I haven't written much about myself in this thread because it's completely irrelevant to the question being asked by the (perfectly respectful) original poster. Though I did allude to personal experiences in my first post. Do they not count if they are not bookended by sweeping statements about the preferences of an entire gender based on isolated personal observations?

R
 

Neil.T

Chuunibyou
I feel like I could be chiming in with something or other in this thread, but I'm really not sure how much of my own experience is widely applicable. If any.
 

serpantino

Thousand Master
Likes anime seems like such a broad topic. I mean there's a huge wealth of genres etc.

My other half didn't know about anime prior to me but now enjoys studio ghibli & various other films and series on a case by case basis.
I have owned copies of urotsukidoji & la blue girl, bible black etc since my teens (my kind of messed up, except the latter; I have no idea why I still own it) but she doesn't know they even exist and I wouldn't show them to her in a hurry, but I have watched RIN with her so she is aware of the places anime can go.

OK it's an extreme but she's also liked series I couldn't stand so my thing is it's not that black and white. Looking specifically for someone into anime seems limiting, there's no guarantee they'll like what you do anyway and if they don't is that any different from them not being into western shows/films you are?

One of the best things about relationships is getting into interests you didn't both share from the outset and I thoroughly enjoyed sifting through my mound of anime for potentials to show my fiancée.

In fact one of my favourite shared memories was introducing her to Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time, it's something I never thought she'd be into and yet she enjoyed the first so much that she made me marathon two towers & return of the king extended editions in 1 day and witnessing someone experience the wonder and developing the passion for them that I had all those years ago when I first watched them was far better than if she'd seen them already.

I can't wait to do the same with my little'un.
 
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