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Family Dynamics...

#1
Not sure if anything like this has been posted before so if so I apologise if it has. I was just curious to know what type of relationships with family other folks have here. Is anyone here (like myself) in a position of estrangement? Are people here (unlike myself) very family oriented? What are people's opinions of family ties and the like. Is... *oooh my Digimons have arrived*...Ahem, sorry! 😅 Is there anyone here who (like myself) is actually better off from becoming distanced? I'm in the unusual circumstance of still actually sharing a roof with my folks, despite being completely estranged. We have no common values or principles, and over time I've completely lost trust in these people. Obviously growing up, you become influenced by your parents, because, well, you have no choice, but it's only in my adult life that I've been able to..."correct" potentially destructive behaviour, and I've had to do it all on my own.

Personally I feel much more at peace with who I am nowadays, even if it's at the expense of cutting all involvement with my folk's affairs. I manage my situation as best as I can, but, and I'm content with the way my life is panning out, but sometimes, it just helps to feel like you're not alone in these kinds of situations :)
 
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#2
I was always very close to my family when I was younger.

My mom died from breast cancer when I was six years old leaving my dad to raise me and my brother. As he worked nights as a miner he relied on neighbours to look after us at night. At weekends we would go to my nans. In school holidays we'd either stay at aunts and uncles or my grand parents. If it wasn't for this support from family I'm pretty sure me and my brother would have gone into care.

After my dad died when I was nineteen I lost contact with my family. I think I only saw them once in about 25 years and that was at my nan's funeral.

Me and my brother lived together for a couple of years after my dad died but we hardly spoke and when we did it was just to argue. As soon got a full time job I moved out. We hadn't spoken for about 20 years until my daughter was born.

I sought of blamed my brother for me having to leave sixth form and not take my A levels. He was at university when my dad got his cancer so it was down to me to look after him through his illness. As he got worse I had to finish school to be with him all day.

When me and the ex got together I inherited her family, which is very close. And it was great, unfortunately she left me and took her family with her.

So yeah, family to me is important, just a shame I can't seem to hold on to one 😁
 
#3
@Patient-X - fair play, much respect! :)

Whilst my parents did what they could for myself and my sister growing up, it's not always turned out for the best. My Mum suffered with anxiety and depression all her life, and my Dad is pretty much as emotionless as they come. He's a bit of a chauvanist to be honest (as far as he's concerned, it's the woman that does the cooking and the cleaning). My parent's relationship isn't loving husband and wife; it's mother and man-child and I can't respect that. Over the years, whilst I love them in the unconditional sense, I have lost all trust and respect for them. It's the kind of stuff I've only really gone into detail about with @Neil.T , but these days I stay out of all of their affairs. I feel sorry for my Mum in a way, but I also need to acknowledge that she's an adult who needs to be able to sort things out herself and not be a martyr to every cause. My parents actually do act like children to a degree - you try to have a rational discussion and it turns into childish insults or huffing and puffing and storming out of rooms!

I have much respect for anyone who is family oriented, so long as they can respect and understand my stance on family; it's that simple. I remember when I used to try out a dating site, and you'd read profiles of men that would say "family is the most important thing for me so if you're not family oriented then don't bother!"...well, alright then, I won't! 😅 I'm never going to belittle someone for being close to family, so long as they're not preaching and imposing their beliefs onto me about "what it means to have a loving family, etc" - we're all different, and some people are all the better for cutting ties. Some people live in toxic situations; you just never know the full picture. Becoming estranged from family doesn't make that person horrible - I'm far from perfect but I like to think I'm a decent human being all things considered :)

My gripe is that I think society pushes the concept of what the perfect nuclear family looks like, and you see adverts everywhere that portray the perfect harmonious dynamics, and if we don't live up to that we're somehow not normal and we're made to feel guilty about it. If I'm a happier person in myself for having become somewhat estranged, from having discovered more about myself, what I stand for and so much more, then so be it - nothing changes! I've sacrificed far too much of my life to fix the dysfunctional mess that is my family now; I've got my own life to live! Selfish? Perhaps, but...other people aren't in my situation.
 
#4
@Patient-X - fair play, much respect! :)

Whilst my parents did what they could for myself and my sister growing up, it's not always turned out for the best. My Mum suffered with anxiety and depression all her life, and my Dad is pretty much as emotionless as they come. He's a bit of a chauvanist to be honest (as far as he's concerned, it's the woman that does the cooking and the cleaning). My parent's relationship isn't loving husband and wife; it's mother and man-child and I can't respect that. Over the years, whilst I love them in the unconditional sense, I have lost all trust and respect for them. It's the kind of stuff I've only really gone into detail about with @Neil.T , but these days I stay out of all of their affairs. I feel sorry for my Mum in a way, but I also need to acknowledge that she's an adult who needs to be able to sort things out herself and not be a martyr to every cause. My parents actually do act like children to a degree - you try to have a rational discussion and it turns into childish insults or huffing and puffing and storming out of rooms!

I have much respect for anyone who is family oriented, so long as they can respect and understand my stance on family; it's that simple. I remember when I used to try out a dating site, and you'd read profiles of men that would say "family is the most important thing for me so if you're not family oriented then don't bother!"...well, alright then, I won't! 😅 I'm never going to belittle someone for being close to family, so long as they're not preaching and imposing their beliefs onto me about "what it means to have a loving family, etc" - we're all different, and some people are all the better for cutting ties. Some people live in toxic situations; you just never know the full picture. Becoming estranged from family doesn't make that person horrible - I'm far from perfect but I like to think I'm a decent human being all things considered :)

My gripe is that I think society pushes the concept of what the perfect nuclear family looks like, and you see adverts everywhere that portray the perfect harmonious dynamics, and if we don't live up to that we're somehow not normal and we're made to feel guilty about it. If I'm a happier person in myself for having become somewhat estranged, from having discovered more about myself, what I stand for and so much more, then so be it - nothing changes! I've sacrificed far too much of my life to fix the dysfunctional mess that is my family now; I've got my own life to live! Selfish? Perhaps, but...other people aren't in my situation.
I understand people have problems with their parents but it makes me sad because I never got the chance to have a normal relationship with mine. I'd have loved Alice to have had two sets of grandparents like most kids. I'm not judging anybody, but people should make the most of their parents because they ain't gonna be around forever.
 
#5
I like family but for the most part I’m estranged from them, my dads dead but we were close, I was also close to my mom but after cutting her other child out of my life we’ve become estranged, she’s basically taken the man child’s side who uses her and treats her like sh*t. I don’t get why but hey ho if she wants to be a doormat that’s her choice, I’ve lost my respect for her. I’m not close to my OH’s family but then nor is she.
I’d like to be close to a family but if I take grievance with someone I’m not going to be close to them. I have zero issues with cutting toxic out of my life regardless of who it may be.

Edit: forgot to mention I am close to my uncle but it’s the kind of relationship where we don’t see or speak to each other very often but if either of us needs the other for any reason things get dropped to make time for them. Doesn’t really matter if it’s big or small we have each other’s backs. 👍🏻
 
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#6
I understand people have problems with their parents but it makes me sad because I never got the chance to have a normal relationship with mine. I'd have loved Alice to have had two sets of grandparents like most kids. I'm not judging anybody, but people should make the most of their parents because they ain't gonna be around forever.
It's like I said though, when you're not in that person's situation, it can be hard to undertsand when you're not..."seeing it as they are". I get what you're saying, of course, but, at the end of the day, no-one's getting out of here alive - you might just as well make the most of your life and live it in the most honest and true way that feels right to you! I don't owe anybody anything, least of all my family! I don't have children, so I understand there's a difference in perspective there as well - you want Alice to have family around her whereas the only other person I have to worry about in that regard is Neil, and he has no siblings so...

Family ties to me don't come complete with an automatic moral sense of obligation to just be there when the s**t hits the fan, or to do things that they want, but maybe that varies from person to person and situation to situation. (Or maybe I am just totally selfish in that regard...). I help out when I can with what I'm capable of doing, but I'll by no means bend over backwards.

I have zero issues with cutting toxic out of my life regardless of who it may be.
If it means you're going to be a happier and healthier person without them in your life then surely that's a good thing :) It's never an easy thing to do, but if someone is making your life miserable, and it's affecting you in a negative way...

My family aren't toxic by any means, but they have breeched trust, and they've lost my respect. My Mum hasn't really done anything to help herself, and I'm not in the habit of helping people who don't help themselves. The way my Sister and Dad speak to her sometimes is appauling, but if you're not going to stand up for yourself, how can I respect that? It's setting the worst example for a child, now as an adult, it just frustrates me!
 
#7
@~AyaMachi~ i totally understand that, it’s the same reason I lost respect for my mom, as well as other similarly related things. At times I’ve stuck up for her, it causes grief between everybody and nobody thanks you for it. I’ve reached the point where it’s a case of if you’re not going to do anything about it even when you’ve had a lot of backup there and are going to let it continue why should I bother doing anything again?
 

Luke

Dandy Guy, in Space
#8
Family is important to me as it was something I was always thought and even though some of my relatives are about as smart as a kardashian I've got a good few one who are good XD.
My family is kinda funny as one side came from a strict catholic family and the other form a very easy going catholic family.
When I was growing up I was possibly the only kid who got the option of mass or watch soccer with grandad?
I wonder which one I always chose lol.

Some of the aunt's and uncle's on the strict side were always very supportive and caring despite me not being religious as I follow my beliefs ( free will ) and that is accepted as you love someone for who they are not what they are.

I generally just don't bother with most of my family but always stay in touch or meet up with the ones I like or know are good people.
I have a sibling who is more religious than me and we get along great and anyone who has ever insulted them never insulted them a second time muh ha ha ha ha.
Though I use to be a bit overprotective of them they are their own person and can look after themselves though I do sometimes things in 2 to give them 1 of them XD.

I have always liked how my family tends to try help others out but depends on the type of people they are if they are good they will get a fair bit of help if not then won't waste out time as we know a few scammers and indecent people over the years.

No real issue that can't be resolved through talking and being reasonable XD.
 
#10
I'm going to have to quote the classic....but they brought you into the world and raised you. And youre still living in their house. That's got to be worth something, surely?
I’m going to stir the pot here a little by altering the perameters a little.

Let’s say the offspring wasn’t planned. Let’s also say for the most part the parents also pretty much left their offspring to raise themselves and the main reason the parents are willing to have the offspring in the house is because they offer financial support or some such thing that benefits the parents, is it really worth anything?

Just as a disclaimer I’m not saying this is how it is for anyone, it really is a theoretical question.
 
#11
I'm going to have to quote the classic....but they brought you into the world and raised you. And youre still living in their house. That's got to be worth something, surely?
I didn't choose to be here though, and I whilst yes, I'm still living in their (rented) house, I'm a 31 year old adult who has the right to choose how to live her life :) I'm just making the best of the short time that I'm here for, and in the way that is right by me and my values. I don't hate my family, I just don't respect them or trust them. Those to me are two of the core principles that strong and lasting relationships are built on.

I'm not going to be a parent, so I appreciate that I'll never know how it feels or what it's like from that particular perspective, so I get that you're coming at this from a different angle, but again, this is my life that I'm living, and these are the circumstances that I'm currently dealing with :)
 
#12
I didn't choose to be here though, and I whilst yes, I'm still living in their (rented) house, I'm a 31 year old adult who has the right to choose how to live her life :) I'm just making the best of the short time that I'm here for, and in the way that is right by me and my values. I don't hate my family, I just don't respect them or trust them. Those to me are two of the core principles that strong and lasting relationships are built on.

I'm not going to be a parent, so I appreciate that I'll never know how it feels or what it's like from that particular perspective, so I get that you're coming at this from a different angle, but again, this is my life that I'm living, and these are the circumstances that I'm currently dealing with :)
Nobody chooses to be here, but you are. So would you rather not be here? It's nothing to do with my perspective as a parent. It's from my perspective of someone's son. I didn't choose to be here either but my parents brought me into the world. And I personally think that yes I did owe my dad something. I got a part time job in a shop when I was 16, earning about £15 for a weekends work, I gave my dad £10 of that, not because he asked me, but because I wanted to.
 
#13
Nobody chooses to be here, but you are. So would you rather not be here? It's nothing to do with my perspective as a parent. It's from my perspective of someone's son. I didn't choose to be here either but my parents brought me into the world. And I personally think that yes I did owe my dad something. I got a part time job in a shop when I was 16, earning about £15 for a weekends work, I gave my dad £10 of that, not because he asked me, but because I wanted to.
Fair enough, and I respect your views :) I'm not going to change my perspective any more than you're going to change yours, so I'll leave it at that :)
 

Luke

Dandy Guy, in Space
#14
I'm going to have to quote the classic....but they brought you into the world and raised you. And youre still living in their house. That's got to be worth something, surely?
I’m going to stir the pot here a little by altering the perameters a little.

Let’s say the offspring wasn’t planned. Let’s also say for the most part the parents also pretty much left their offspring to raise themselves and the main reason the parents are willing to have the offspring in the house is because they offer financial support or some such thing that benefits the parents, is it really worth anything?

Just as a disclaimer I’m not saying this is how it is for anyone, it really is a theoretical question.
I didn't choose to be here though, and I whilst yes, I'm still living in their (rented) house, I'm a 31 year old adult who has the right to choose how to live her life :) I'm just making the best of the short time that I'm here for, and in the way that is right by me and my values. I don't hate my family, I just don't respect them or trust them. Those to me are two of the core principles that strong and lasting relationships are built on.

I'm not going to be a parent, so I appreciate that I'll never know how it feels or what it's like from that particular perspective, so I get that you're coming at this from a different angle, but again, this is my life that I'm living, and these are the circumstances that I'm currently dealing with :)
I think that although there is some really crappy parents out there that most of them deserve some credit.
Mainly the ones who stay actively involved in the child's life and always supportive, make time and look after the child.

As for Aya I do think although they aren't decent people from what you have stated if they helped raise you, put you through school, brought you to places including any club or sports activities then they did good to put in an effort and as my friends says to other others
" Atleast they didn't abandon you and leave you as an orphan ".
Though yeah they might not be worth trusting but if they did make an effort they deserve some credit at least I feel.

Though there is parents who will milk this and guilt their kids into being money banks, servants which isn't cool and they need to be stood up to.
As a guy I know who I coached soccer to as a kid once had money he was saving up for some school stuff like gym and trips.
Once has his money stolen by his dad for drinking and I being myself had a word with him and so far he hasn't tried it since lol.
I helped the kid with by giving him some of the money needed so he was able to pay for the stuff.

For me I'm always doing what I can for my parents since they never ask and want me to live my own life by my own choices.
I'm always checking if something is needed at the shop, do they want or need anything or any help when possible as they would do the same for me now and again.

I know some families can be tough but sometimes be we need to reflect and be thankful for what we have and who we have in our life as it is better to focus on what we have than what we don't I feel.

One the plus since your parents had you and you met Neil isn't that a good thing XD

I'm not trying to defend anything they did but just trying to give a different view point if it helps.
 
#15
they did make an effort they deserve some credit at least I feel.
Whilst my parents did what they could for myself and my sister growing up
:)

I do acknowledge that they did what they could but I simply cannot credit them for the person that I am today. As mentioned I've had to unlearn lots of potentially destructive behaviour that was rooted in my childhood and I've been spending much of my adult life trying to correct it and striving to be a much more balanced person.

Again, I'm not going to say too much more, but I respect your personal views :) It's all down to differing perspectives, different upbringings, different attitudes and different circumstances when all said and done :)

Thanks for your input dude!
 

Luke

Dandy Guy, in Space
#16
:)

I do acknowledge that they did what they could but I simply cannot credit them for the person that I am today. As mentioned I've had to unlearn lots of potentially destructive behaviour that was rooted in my childhood and I've been spending much of my adult life trying to correct it and striving to be a much more balanced person.

Again, I'm not going to say too much more, but I respect your personal views :) It's all down to differing perspectives, different upbringings, different attitudes and different circumstances when all said and done :)

Thanks for your input dude!
I agree and it is good have you improved upon the destructive parts as you don't want to be going all godzilla on the place later on lol.

Who knows maybe you one day will be blessed with a wee one of your own:p
 

-Danielle-

Pokémon Master
#17
I come from a big family. There's a lot of us still alive and kicking, hundreds. Once my Grandpa died when I was 3 though, me and my Mum became estranged from most. I saw 2 of my second cousins until they hit their 20's and since then, it's just been me, my Mum and younger Brother.

My dads still alive and kicking, he left when I was born, came back from 13-21. I have a half brother and sister his side I've never met. I dislike my Dads side of the family. When I bought a house, my grandparents from that side were more concerned how I was still single. Awesome sauce.

I'm very close to my Mum and Brother. They're my lifeline and my best friends as I don't have any. I don't want to move elsewhere as on my darkest days, I don't see me surviving if I don't have them on tap. When I went through a really bad period, Feb-May this year, I moved back in as I couldn't be alone with my thoughts.

Never really cared about anyone elses family situation as in like it was a deciding factor on my opinion of them, so long as I wasn't judged for how close I am. One of my best mates can't believe my closeness since he has never been with his Mum for example but that has no bearing on our friendship.
 

Joshawott

Monsieur Monster
AUKN Staff
#18
I still live at home, so am still on good terms and have regular contact with my immediate family. Two of my brothers have moved out; one lives about an hour away and I speak to them regularly via text and such, while the other lives locally and stills pops around almost every day.

The extended family is where things get iffy though. Both of my Mum's siblings live further apart and have understandably busy lives - both have their own jobs and families. We live in the same village as my Grandpa (who lived with my Nana until she passed away in 2009), so we visit him regularly and handle his shopping etc.
My Nana was 1 of 10 siblings, so there are a lot of second and third cousins that I'm not acquainted with at all - especially as they're mostly based in the south, whereas I'm in the east. In fact, yesterday I went to the annual extended family gathering... and knew basically no one outside of a few great aunts and uncles!

I'm on good, but irregular terms with my father. He and my Mum divorced when I was only a toddler, then he remarried and moved abroad for work. It was only as an adult that we got back in touch and I see him about 2-3 times a year, when he returns to the country on business or to see his family. I don't really see the step-sisters from his later marriage; I see them about once a year but otherwise, don't really talk to them.

I'd say family is pretty important to me, but really, it's about all I have. I live in a rural village, can't drive and don't earn a lot. Almost all of my friends have long since spread their wings across the country and beyond due to education and work, with some even marrying and starting families. Yeah, fun.
 
#19
I'm quite close with most of my family. I live at home with my mother, I move back in with Mum and Dad years ago to be mum's carer, a few years later dad illness took a turn for the worse so I was looking after him as well until we passed a few years ago, I'm still looking after Mum.
I've also got 2 sisters 1 niece and 3 nephews and 1 great nephew, we all live in the same Village, I'm very close with my niece and talk on the phone for a few hours a week. I'm not very close with one of my sister's which is a shame as we used to be talk all the time at one point, now I only ever hear from her when she wants to borrow some money. I don't think I've ever become very close with her again as unfortunately I hold a grudge, hopefully one day I will let it go.

When it comes to my extended family on my dad's there is just him in his mum and I've been told her I met her once but I was too young to remember. On my mom's side, we started seeing a lot more of my auntie, uncle and cousins in recent years, it was just a shame that it took mum getting really ill to start seeing my cousin's more, turns out he's also an anime fan so when he comes down I lend him some DVDs or when Mum goes down there to see them I send some down with her.
 
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